550 is fast approaching...

posts that is! which is pretty scary since i only hit 500 on october 12th! which means in 2 months i have posted 50 times - well above my usual average...and whilst it's great that i am writing more, i'm sad about the cause of most of that writing :-(

sooo what started off as a great day, is now, inevitably it would seem at the moment, becoming a day where i wish i was busier...that way i wouldn't have time to think about things, and in particular....him

see it's been nearly a week since we had any contact, and that part of it doesn't worry me, but was does concern me is that he said he would come back to me with a time to catch up (not even sure i want to do that, but i'd like to make the decision rather than let him have all the power...) and he hasn't :-( i posted a little while ago about his unreliability, and this is just ANOTHER example of that....he says he'd like to be friends and wants to build trust between us, and then this....

his actions and his words, seem to me at least, incongruous...he says what he thinks he needs to say, but his actions belie him....and all over again the anger that i worked so hard to dispel last week comes bubbling up to the surface again...

deep breath sarah....

and i get to wondering just how long this 'ride' is going to go on? how long is it going to take before it no longer has the power to take me from calm and happy to angry in the blink of an eye? i hope it doesn't take too long, because i'm really not enjoying it...

and honestly, i don't even know if seeing him and talking about it is going to make me feel better - the truth of it is that i have NO idea what is going to make me feel better...i don't actually know where to start (guess therapy is a good start and i'm doing that), it's not the sort of thing that i have had to confront before and to say i'm a bit lost is an understatement...

i'm angry with him for so many different things, both now and then, and sometimes it's really difficult to have all of that running around in my head...tiring, destabilising and sometimes it just makes me feel like i am losing it :-(

and being angry makes me want to scream at him...i have removed his phone number from my phone so that in the height of my anger i don't just vent at him and say all the things i want to say, but on some level, i think that me having to 'contain' all this anger is just making it harder for me...mental note to discuss with my therapist how i work through this anger, which is ALL directed at him, without him being there, and working out how to manage this overwhelming desire i have to vent all this stuff at him...seems to me i believe on some level that telling someone else doesn't really cut it...he is the one that needs to hear it....

soo i think now might be a good time to go for a walk/run...then at least some of the stuff that is in my head might get dislodged....