3, 2, 1....

so i saw not 1 but 3 butterflies on my walk/run today :-) i do love a butterfly...

i have had 2 good nights sleep in a row which must surely make it a new record, especially of late...let's hope it continues...

and 1 day where i have struggled, and i mean really really struggled....despite the aussies belting the poms, despite spending a lovely evening with my girlfriend Em, and despite having found time to clean my lovely little house...today has been one of those days where i have just struggled to keep it all together...one where i spent the first hour crying in bed and one where i knew if i didn't just get up and get started, the entire could have passed like that :-(

i woke up and realised that yet another xmas, new year and birthday are likely to pass without me having someone special to share them with...and you know what, i sometimes really really don't get how it's possible that i should be single....

it could be that it's sunday (sundays have a way of making me feel acutely single...seems other days there is something else to focus on, but sundays must be, in my head anyway, the day that people spend with their partner...??) and it could be pmt, or it could just be this time of year...

i am prone to introspection and reflection at the best of times, but as an introvert and capricorn, this time of year is always when i find a way to focus on everything i don't have (and it's really only one thing...that elusive special relationship) rather than looking back over the year and celebrating the successes that i have had...of which there have been many, but recounting them here is not what this post is about...and honestly, i'm sad and tired and don't reckon i'd do a good job of it anyway...

and within the next week i'll undoubtedly get around to my 'year in review' post and in it, i can spell out what 2010 has been for me...well i can give you a preview right now: it's been the most difficult year i can remember on so many fronts, and some days (like today) i wake up and wonder if it is ever going to get easier...i wonder sometimes when some good luck is going to come my way, when all the good karma that i have put out there is going to come back to me...and mostly, when i am going to feel happy with my lot...

and don't get me wrong, coz i am GRATEFUL for a whole stack of stuff in my life...but somehow i have this belief that until i have someone special to share it all with, the stack of great stuff doesn't hold much meaning...and i'm not saying i like this belief, or that i believe it when i review it with my head (rather than my heart)...but it's a belief all the same and one that seems to plague me more at this time of year than any other...

i'm sad too that when i recount the story of 'him' and his behaviour in recent weeks to Em (we hadn't caught up for 2 weeks so she asked what was going on and whether or not i had in fact seen him again) she is horrified by his behaviour, his unreliability, but above all his inconsiderate nature towards me....as i sense her disgust, i start to feel it too...and then i start to feel bad...bad that i have let him come back into my life and let him treat me this way....and wondering why i have this compulsion (no other word for it) to not ask him to leave yet....of course if he really wanted to be friends, we would do things that friends do right? he wouldn't text me in the middle of the night, or call when he's drunk...he would call when he says he's going to, he wouldn't flirt with me or be suggestive...nope, none of these are things that friends do....

so i wonder if i'm ever going to work out where this compulsion is coming from....i hope so, coz it seems to have plagued me for weeks...:-(

sooo as i look forward to crawling into a freshly made bed (lovely) and know that i don't have to wake up to an alarm clock (bliss)...i am going to ponder on this belief of mine which often makes me feel like a failure and sometimes gets in my way...and also look at what having him in my life actually means and whether it's a compulsion or a choice....

nite
x