pondering...

why it is that after 9 months i still seem to care what happens to the ex...i don't even like that term...why is it, when he didn't seemingly give a crap about me or my happiness for so long, that even long after we are no longer together, i still care about what happens to him...

i get on a cognitive level how that may have come about and i get that in the past, it might have served me to think that i could help him or that i was responsible for his happiness or even just that i was needed, but it's now really causing me to re-live the trauma of so many things over and over and over again...

and i'm tired...i'm tired of wondering if he's ok, i'm tired of wondering what it will mean about me as a person if i can say i no longer care, i wonder if i'll ever be able to say i never care - i doubt i will...but then if i can't get to a healthy place about it and him and his happiness, i feel as though i'm stuck...and i'm tired of being stuck...i'm tired to still feeling like i should care about someone who didn't care about me, who couldn't care about me, i'm tired of the flashbacks that hurt....

it's a crap place to be and i'm really struggling with it....

i'm tired....