perspective...

is a wonderful thing yes? so not only have i got my own number of perspectives in relation to 'current situation' but i now have that of my best friend...of course you have to remember that she is only interested in me being happy and does not want to see me hurt (yet again...)...

i am so glad we had made plans to catch up yesterday...by the time i got there just after 4pm not only was i ready for a cup of tea with her, but a hug and chat...and even though she is one of my closest friends, i sometimes find it difficult to open up and express what i'm feeling, but yesterday i was just too tired, both physically and emotionally, to even care about holding anything back and so out it all came...starting with the beginning and going right up to yesterday...and then i just cried

it was good to finally let some of it out...even though it has been a week where i have had a lot of time to reflect and ponder, i hadn't actually cried until i was with her, and as the tears rolled down my face i realised just how much all of this had impacted me...not just this week, but since that day, all those years ago, when things just started to unravel...

and of course i'm not irreparably broken, but it has taken it's toll...and of course even though we are best friends and have shared much in our 8 years of friendship, this is a story she had never heard...and therein lies one of the saddest things about life sometimes, is that even when we can't control what happens to us, there is a shame or embarrassment in talking about it (and now you know why i'm a therapist!!)...

so i talked, and she listened....and strangely after doing so, i felt better, closer to her and more understood...i think now she really gets some of what it's like to be me! she's not a person who's always good at expressing her emotion and like me, although moreso, she uses humour to hide what's really going on...but yesterday she turned up for me and i appreciated it...

soo then a coupla hours later (after i've spent some time with her 3 year old - the real reason i was there - his birthday!) we find ourselves standing in the kitchen going through the options....note to reader: she is very very practical and i'm very very romantic, so imagine the disconnect when i run her through my options (or at least the scenarios that have been going through my head, like a disjointed film reel on an old projector)....

Option 1: walk away now
Option 2: consider being friends with him
Option 3: become friends, I fall madly in love with him and he hurts me (again...)
Option 4: become friends, fall madly in love with each other, he leaves his wife and we live happily ever after...

so you can just imagine her rolling her eyes as i outline the options to her...actually, truth be known, option 1 did not exist until she put it there! she doesn't even really like option 2 because she doesn't actually think it's possible, and you know what? she's right....and as for options 3 and 4, she thinks i'm just fucking mad to even let myself even contemplate them...

i try and tell her that some people do find their soul mate even if there are complications and end up together...they do right?

so of course we have some fun with the options and i start to consider her take on it...and she says to me 'you're a romantic, you never walk away from anything, you can't help yourself'....i have nothing to say to this because i know it's true...so then she says that no matter what she'll be there as she always is....i know she so badly wants me not to get hurt again and frankly, neither do i, but i have romantic notion that the universe has conspired to get us together for good reason...

my fantasty is way down the track when i hear her saying to me 'this is because of all those books you read and they are FICTION'...and you know what, there's a part of me that believes that and then there's the romantic in me that just can't let it go...aarrgghh

her husband invites me to stay for dinner and i do...really not wanting to be all alone having had the week i did...and it's lovely...i leave reasonably early and she walks me to the car...as she does she hugs me, and tells me that life is short, and no matter what, she'll be there...i smile (and inside i think that her option 1 might be worth giving some consideration to)...

so i get home and think about it some more, and i realise that i need 'more information' in order to make a decision...of course there is something else i should realise at this point: do i need to make a decision right now? of course i don't, but somehow, i always feel compelled to do so...mental note to look at this in therapy sometime...don't really need to - it's all part of the 'not being very grey'...meaning i like things sorted out....not left unclear etc etc

so i ask him a question and due to him being out drinking and the fact that our text messages often overlap his response (or the response i think relates to my question) is 'of course'...and the question i had asked is 'have you cheated on your wife?'....

imagine my horror when i read this (now of course he may not have been answering that question)...of course - not the kind of answer i would expect to such a question, and one that has since given me a VERY VERY different perspective....and adds to a concern i had earlier in the week - the concern where he sees me as just another 'target'... of course i don't want to think that's true and some of the things he's said don't indicate that, but he oscillates between being the person i want to get to know, and the incurable flirt...and it leaves me confused!

and suddenly the 41 year old voice in my head, the one who knows better, the one who will not put herself in a situation knowingly that is doomed, is a little bit turned off...

and then as i'm lying in bed i start to try and put myself in his shoes - in his head actually - and wondering what must be going on for him? and then it starts to get messy....coz i can't understand what must be going on for him to get us to where we are now...where there seems to be a need to apologise and gain forgiveness (the bit i find attractive) and yet, that is then clouded by the 13 year old attraction and flirtation (which a different part of me finds attractive)....torn

back to my options then and i find that she's still (that 41 year old voice) competing with the romantically inclined voice who thinks that Option 4 is worth pursuing....

thank god the cricket will soon be on....maybe it'll provide the distraction i need!