soooo following on from last nights post...so the texting gets not so much out of hand as intense! it stops just before i try and sleep (didn't do a very good job of that and consequently have been EXHAUSTED today and a wee bit distracted) and starts again at 6.15am this morning! of course he's not to know that i'm not exactly an early morning person (we've now HAD that conversation...thankfully my phone is always on silent when i'm asleep so no chance i can be rudely awoken even if it is with someone i cannot seem to get out of my head!)....
so that continues pretty much all morning until we decide that we will catch up this afternoon - yep, you read it correctly - what i thought might takes weeks (although i was secretly hoping wouldn't) to happen, took a day! so we agreed to meet up and go to Balmoral (one of my favourite places and in fact signals a lot to me about how i now feel about Ben as we spent A LOT of time there together during our relationship)...truth be told though i love Balmoral so don't necessarily (at least not now) now automatically think of him when i go there - also, had gone there for years before we even met...so in some way it's lovely to have reclaimed that for myself :-)
ok, so he comes to pick me up at home, and as you can imagine, i'm getting very very anxious - what if we don't get on, what if we have nothing to say to each other, what if i don't find him attractive (which of course says a lot about what i hope to get out of this meeting....), what if he doesn't find me attractive, etc etc and of course there is the voice in my head (the other one) wondering why the fuck i would be meeting up with him anyway...
soooo he arrives, i go to meet him and the first thing we do is hug - and let me tell you, he has a good hug - firm, strong and just the sort of hug i imagine i want...you know he's taller than me, bigger than me and strong, so i feel protected in this hug...and now you know why it's gonna be trouble...
then i am very nervous - it's weird, 28.5 years between drinks (as it were) and he's here, in my country, in my city and in my living room! kind of an out of body experience and one i NEVER thought possible...
sooo we head to the beach and it's so nice down there (very windy, but nice)...get a drink, head to the peninsula and find a good spot to sit, and talk....funny, one thing i notice is that when i confront him about the flirting he backs off a bit...so it leaves me wondering what is really going on for him...guess one day i'll ask, or it will become obvious without me having to ask!
i ask him to rub sunscreen into my back/shoulders as i can feel my skin burning in the hot sun (although at the same time i'm loving the feeling of the heat on my back)...and as he does, i realise that his touch feels nice - welcome, unthreatening and really really nice...part of me wants it to continue into something much more than him rubbing sunscreen into my back, but he's married and i know he isn't going to want to take any risks....at least not today....
we chat, for hours! it's comfortable, it's easy, we reminisce - turns out he really does have a good memory and he remembers so much more about stuff than i do...the inevitable discussion about what happened seems to drift in and out of the conversation and there are apologies and explanations and a seeking to understand...for me it was amazing to think that my leaving had any impact on him - i had only ever (naturally) considered it from my perspective....
i love that he can talk about how he feels - i love that he is able to express that seemingly, so easily to me - it was always like that between us...but 28.5 years is a long time ago and i wonder if i'm getting ahead of myself...i wonder if what i'm feeling is about today or is my projection of my 13 year old inner child? guess i'm gonna need to ponder that question in coming days...
we come back to mine, have a cup of tea (we are both, after all, english, even though i won't admit to that!)...we chat some more, we look at photos, and a coupla things on the internet...as i know the time is fast approaching for him to leave i feel a bit confused - what will happen next? will anything happen next? will we see each other again? are we going to be able to just be friends (i'm not sure this is what i even want...)...so many questions, and now you know why my head is going mad with all the questions!
so i walk him to his car, but before that he hugs me inside - another one of those hugs that i know soon i am not going to be able to resist - and soon will become the sort of hug that i compare all others too (and sure this might sound dramatic, but i'm drunk and i'm feeling honest and for the first time in ages, maybe ever, i am ok to write exactly what is going on in my mind)....
so we get to the car and on the way he says to me simply 'i haven't told jane' (names have been changed to protect the innocent)...i tell him i'm not sure it's a good idea for him to do so, and then it seems to give me some hint as to what he might be thinking - if he had nothing to hide, surely he would tell her right?? because you already know that he's married....and i wish wish wish that he wasn't - i want a chance to really get to know this man, to see if we could have anything, but is there a point? am i going to end up heartbroken? is he merely the sort of man who flirts with anyone and i am just another of those women that he sees as an easy target? i don't know...i'd like to think i'm not, but how would i know - in 28.5 years i haven't seen him so his journey into manhood and who he is today has taken place without me as a witness...so rather than jumping ahead (which of course i find very easy , and tempting, to do) i need to actually get to know him...and to avoid repeating the patterns of my life, which in many ways stem from what happened between him and i soooo many years ago...
sooo we get to his car and hug again - this time he kisses me lightly on the cheek and i don't want to unfold myself from his embrace...strangely i feel safe there....and this is something i have wanted to feel for so long in the arms of a man...and with him i do...
we say goodbye, he says he'll call (and i hope he does)...i go inside on something of a cloud - in fact i feel as if i am 10 kgs lighter (if only...)...i get ready for dinner with a friend and his text arrives (as i knew it would)...
'u looked great, fantastic to see you, looking forward to next 28 years'....what is one to make of that? looking forward to the next 28 years???? of course i love that he can even verbalise this (one thing i find sooo attractive in a man is emotional awareness and ability to communicate what's going on)....
and now the downside, coz there always is one right - with me anyway....i find myself wondering why the universe has conspired to get him here and have us meet up, when he is married, and i know some people do end up in relationships with the 'other person', but i have done that 'other woman' thing before and i really really don't want to do it with him...i would like to get to know him, to be able to do that without feeling bad about it, and so we could see if there is anything there...and i am CERTAIN there is something there, i just don't know exactly what it is...
soooo to bed i go....feeling drunk (i finally relaxed the diet for one night so i could share a bottle of wine with a good friend) and excited and nervous and confused and wishing i could send him a text right now...of course i could but don't want to get him 'caught out'....
so hoping i sleep WAY better than last night and maybe just maybe, things will all be clearer tomorrow!
nite xx
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