which may be something of a misleading title, coz i'm not sure CLARITY is present right now but it occured to me as i re-read my post (i often do this...i find it a good way to heighten my experiences and really get to the guts of what might be going on for me) that now that i've seen him again after all this time, i can honestly say that there is some part of me that has held onto the notion of him in my head as the 'perfect man'...sure this was a 13 year olds view of the world, so it may not translate into reality at the ripe old age of 41...but it hit me...when i woke up this morning (hours before the alarm was supposed to go off and feeling the effects of the half a bottle of wine i drank lastnight and with my head still ticking over, although visibly slower) that i just don't think i ever got over him....
and funny, it doesn't make me sad....it just seems to cement a whole lot of stuff in my head about the intervening 28 years....
earlier this year i was telling my therapist how badly i felt about the sort of 'man' i wanted to be with, the inevitable guilt that i feel when i get asked out and go and then find a variety of reasons why they just 'don't stack up'...see i'd been on a date with a guy who was only an inch taller than me and not very big...physically he was attractive enough to me but i just kept hearing a little voice in my head say 'yes but he's not big enough to protect you'....not to mention the wardrobe full of ridiculously high feels would become entirely redundant if i were to be with someone who wasn't tall enough to accomodate them! so i had felt guilty about this - over the years i have had first dates with guys who weren't that tall, and i have always thought they didn't measure up to this picture in my head....which i assumed was something modelled around my Dad....
turns out it has NOTHING to do with my Dad....but this man....who's now here and who's embrace i have now experienced...
so i guess that is clarity, but clarity on this particular point has just made the rest of it all foggier....
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