mmmm not sure if i am feeling

sad (genuinely sad), sentimental (after watching Offspring) or whether i just have a bad case of PMT (period due tomorrow)...

it's kinda funny how things affect me these days - i guess they always have but i no longer pretend they don't - i wonder if that's what growing up is all about? or is it being authentic? or is it just finally not caring so much about what everybody thinks?  anyway, it's good...i think! is it good? mmm yeah i guess it is coz if you are feeling sad there is very little else that is harder than to pretend you are not - to be hanging around people who you can't be yourself in front of...downright sad really and i think i have finally reached the stage in my life where i just don't want to do it...

sooo sure i'm feeling momentarily sad (after a great weekend) and of course there is the little verbalised problem (at least not on here) of the continual stress that running a business is...honestly, i haven't talked much about this because i DO love working for myself and the work i do brings me a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment, sometimes even joy...but the stress of running this thing is sometimes overwhelming, all consuming, sleep interrupting and sadly, not doing much for my health...

soooo my mission for 2011 (in addition to making the business more of a financial success) is to work out how to manage my levels of stress, coz i fear, if i don't, it's probably gonna do me some serious harm...and i don't want to go all drama queen and say it might kill me, but it just cannot be sustainable for a human to live with this sort of stress, a pre-occupation with where the revenue is coming from....it's not possible, and if it is, then it's not possible for me...

of course even admitting that feels, in some small way (not in my head, but in my body, somewhere deep in my psyche, somewhere in there where the child in me never felt good enough) like failure and failure and me, well, let's just say we don't get on that well...

i have spent almost my entire life trying not to fail, trying to please everybody, trying to be fucking perfect...no wonder i can't bear the thought of something that's all about me, might not work out...

of course, when i am feeling sane (i.e. not now!) and looking at the actual evidence around me (this is a CBT trick i get my clients to use when they question themselves or get into their negative thought patterns) there isn't really any cause for concern...coz i could actually sign a stack of business between now and Xmas with all the leads i have out there, but of course, there's always a small chance, that i won't...and that 'what if' is doing my head in...seriously...

soooo i'm gonna take my sentimental, sad and PMT ridden self to bed and hope that as the sun rises and me with it, i feel a wee bit less sad for my week ahead...

nite xx