letting go...

sooooo i think that almost a week after him popping back into my life (with little thought about what it might do to me...guess this is kind of a theme for him, not sure why i should be surprised) i am starting to lift from the mire of my feelings and feel as though i am getting closer to being able to let him go...and this is a process that has been a long time in the making....nearly 29 years actually, which is such a long long time....

it's been without a doubt, one of the most difficult weeks of my life...where i have cried more tears than i care to remember, where i have gone back over the events of that night far too many times, but one where i have started to think about the damage it has done and what impact it has had on me.  in the past i have resisted doing this stuff coz i probably wasn't ready, and truth be known, after the year i have had, i'm not sure i'm ready now, but as my beautiful healer would say 'everything that happens to us is guided'...and so i put my trust in the universe and know that if this is happening, then surely it means better things are coming...it does right??

so the last week has been filled with things i probably should have done more of over the years coz i think to heal this part of me i have to do it....so whilst it has been hard (and by hard i mean soul destroyingly so) there is an ever growing part of me that feels as though him turning up is a gift....

of course initially i let my head focus on the good memories i had of him, and i think this in itself was a protection from having to go back to the awful stuff - it was easier to focus on the good stuff, and yet, that's not why he came back....

soo i let myself be carried away with the many romantic and sexual fantasies with him featuring as the main man, you know the 'let's pick up where we left off fantasy where we both get to be 13 again', convincing myself that for him to get in touch he must be unhappily married and all that that entails.... but as the days have gone on i have left all my nostalgic (sometimes i refer to them as romantic, but perhaps just deluded might be more appropriate) thinking behind and moved into some more 'what do i need?' sort of thinking...

and you know what's really sad? the fact that had he not done what he did all those years ago, the sort of thinking that i often find myself pre-occupied with (relating to men, relationships, sex etc) probably would not have become my 'default' position...a pattern that has not served me well over the years and in fact has not only left me doubting myself and getting myself into situations that i did not want to be in...but desperately unhappy..

yep, it's been devastating, no other word for it really..

i am angry with him in a way that i've never been angry with anyone before....my current fantasy is one where he gets really hurt (and this is hard for me to say because i am neither a violent nor vindictive person)....but the ease with which he has turned up in my life, makes me realise that he didn't then and doesn't now have ANY idea about what his actions did to me...

sooo now i am left with something of a dilemma....he wants to try and be friends! and the part of me that was his best friend and missed him for years afterwards, thinks that might be a nice idea...but almost every other part of my being is screaming at me to tell him to just fuck off...that's it FUCK OFF coz really, what else is there to say?  sure there's the school of thought that would say if i truly forgive him then i'll feel better - and that might be the case....and before he turned up i think in my head i HAD forgiven him...but now he's turned up i'm not so sure...and i am a smart girl, so i can rationalise his behaviour into that of a 'teenage boy'....but even if i do that, it doesn't change what happened nor what it has done to me...

in the times since that fateful night i have not been able to let go of a lot of stuff and in fact i think that a lot of my occasional craziness started when he stopped being my best friend....and it's not like i haven't tried to work through this shit, coz trust me i have...years and countless dollars of therapy have helped, they have definitely helped, but still the trauma of it seems to be buried somewhere inside of me...and i think it's time to let that go...i think with these sorts of things, we hold onto the trauma to protect us and i totally get that, but i think that for me to hold onto it any longer is actually just gonna stop me getting what i want....and i am no longer willing to let what he did stand in my way...

sooo it will be letting go of the version of him i've carried around in my head for all those years....letting go of the childhood crush i had on him...saying goodbye to someone who for almost 4 years was my best friend...letting go of the need to be silent on what happened...and letting go of the patterns that have in many ways ruined a great deal of my life...

no more! i resolve to go get the right sort of help, whatever that may be, so i can deal with this stuff properly and move towards my future....now i just need to work out how to actually say goodbye to him....and then maybe then, i can finally start to let go....