i've never been very good at grey...

meaning that in most situations throughout my life i've been something of a 'black' or 'white' person...my views on stuff are the same: you would know this if you've ever found me stubbornly refusing to consider an alternative to the one i've convinced myself is right!

soooo now after 3 days of 'rollercoaster', seems the other voice in the dialogue in my head (the one who was hurt, the one who has found it hard to trust, the one who's best friend let her down) is making herself heard today....so rather than there being the romantically notioned one driving the outer behaviour, it's almost as if there is another perspective....methinks this is probably a good thing! certainly with my therapist hat on i can probably accurately name this one 'a defence mechanism' but there is now at least a very healthy internal debate....

added to that there is a very soft voice, one who hasn't yet been heard entirely in this 'internal debate' but who wants to make herself known...the one, who i think might sound like my mother, but only time will tell, that tells me how stupid i am to even contemplate spending any time with this person, and of course she leaves me feeling guilty (yep, pretty sure that could only be the voice of my mother)...

fuck, it's tiring being me right now....i wasn't sure if the romantically notioned voice would be put aside as the other voice said her piece...but now she seems to have found her voice (and it's loud and clear and angry, as you would expect from someone who's been hurt) the flashbacks to a time i really don't want to remember are coming in waves....maybe they are coming to remind me to be careful...maye they are coming to tell me that i really know very little about this person...or maybe they are (as my therapist hat suggested) simply a defence mechanism...hoping to short circuit any further hurt...
whatever she is saying, i'm trying hard to listen - i think it's important that she get her say....she's lived quietly for nearly 29 years and i think that hearing her is the only way...

it's gonna be a noisy day methinks!