i feel sick...

to the stomach...seems no matter how hard i try and distract myself with other things (mainly work!) i can't...

not only sick but tired...and sad, and tired, and sad, and tired but mostly sad...

i am not coping with everything i am now confronted with - this person turning up has made me realise that even though i may have thought i was over it, really i'm not...most of my behavioural patterns in some way are still impacted by what happened all those years ago...and as i sit and wonder what my life might have been like, it just makes me sad that the stupid actions of a 13 year old boy could play such a key role in my adult life...

if only i could go back...no amount of wishing i could will make it so....

it's not often i don't know where to start, but i am really stuck here...i feel as though i've lived with this for a lifetime (well i have really, coz 29 years is a lifetime to some people) and i no longer have the energy to do it...

but i wonder if i let go is everything (and i mean everything) going to come crashing down around my little head?

universe if you are listening, please please please send me a sign that i'm going to be ok....