fuck fuck fuck...

today has been a really weird day - kind of an out of body experience...so it goes something like this! 28 years ago i left england to move to australia, having been at boarding school for 4 years...whilst there my best friend was a boy (let's refer to him as 'C')...not only was he my best friend, but i had my first real 'boy crush' on him....

what I remember is that we were inseparable, intellectual equals, and we did everything together...so of course naturally i developed a very healthy 13 year old girl crush on him...who wouldn't right?

then something awful happened between us and my family moved to australia...i missed him of course, it's not easy to get over the loss of your best friend and your first crush, but of course, i was 13 and life moves on...

so imagine my surprise when a couple of months ago he finds me on facebook (maybe now i know why i had to get on it) and we become 'friends'...and his photo is a picture of him and his boys in Sydney (he's english and we went to boarding school in england - did i mention that????)....

so i send him an email, he doesn't respond and then this weekend just gone i get an email asking me if i'm around over xmas...so the emails go back and forth, he tells me he'll call to organise a catchup, we swap phone numbers and he starts texting me in the mornings (on his way to work)...turns out he lives 2 suburbs away from me, and is working at a hospital not far from me....

so the texting gets beyond him and he calls me - this morning as i'm blow drying my hair (explains the not so great job i did of blow drying today)...and it's lovely to talk to him...we chat for 10 minutes - he seems to remember a lot about me and tells me I was in 'blue house' (you know how schools divide up their pupils into houses so they can play sport against each other), i was tall and skinny (obviously i'd just had the last growth spurt i was gonna have last time he saw me) and i was smart (or did he say clever?)....

so we end our call coz i need to get out to my client and i drive to the client in a haze - actually i'm kinda surprised i got there! so there are multiple things going on in my head and oh my god, my head is in over drive...not sure how good a job i did with my client today, hopefully it wasn't too bad coz i really like working with them!

so then i do my work, go to see my supervisor and of course tell her all about it...she is great (did i mention that, she is GREAT)...we talked through it, and something i had never worked out in everything that happened was the loss of our friendship and the loss of what might be between us...so i'm feeling a bit nostalgic about it all and take a look at his text from this morning....which finished with 'can't wait to see you'...and i decide to tell him how i'm feeling, which goes something like this..."in my head you are still 13 years old, my best friend and the first boy i had a crush on" and his reply is "funny that cause you were always gonna be my girlfriend....then you left"....

and suddenly you know why today's post is titled fuck fuck fuck....

so here's why it's necessary to use the expletives repeatedly....he is MARRIED..........

so universe help me out here - why oh why would you put us in the same city, the same side of the harbour bridge no less, and have him remember WAY more about me than i do about him? why would you do this to me? have i not had a difficult enough time with relationships?  has this year not been enough of a challenge? or is a blast from the past needed to allow me to move forward? 

i haven't felt the need for vodka in ages, but i think now might be a great time for me and my old Absolut buddy to get re-acquainted...