endings...

i never was very comfortable with endings, and i'm trying to sort through where this comes from...of course it could be something to do with liking the last word, but hey, don't we all have something to work on!

guess the events of my life have led me to the conclusion that endings are bad and so in my mind, i don't prepare for them very well...meaning i don't prepare for them at all, rather i AVOID them like the plague convincing myself that by hanging on to some thread of a relationship (no matter how bad it is or how damaging for me) it's just what has to be done...

fucking stupid really...and yet it seems the pattern of my life

so MANY realisations are coming thick and fast this week which is a bit overwhelming i gotta tell you...although i have managed to sleep well the last 2 nights so some of my energy is returning and i'm thinking much more clearly...bloody good thing that coz romantically inclined 13 year old girl is not a great decision maker - who would have figured that?

so i haven't heard from someone since he sent a text late friday night and methinks that's going to be the last time i hear from him...and part of me is ok with that, and the other part (the one who's not great with endings) doesn't really feel comfortable with that...arguably there are probably still some things that haven't been said, at least for me, and now i have had time to think through things, i think i could much more capably articulate what it is i want to say to him...

what i want to say to him is that i don't think he's been honest with me....i don't think his intentions towards me are entirely above board and i'd like to think he could be honest with me and treat me as a friend, just this once...but his actions to date would indicate otherwise....:-( hard to believe i held this person out as my 'perfect man' for so long...illusions are always so much more difficult to deal with when they come crashing down around your head like a box high up on a shelf in the cupboard, out of mind and out of sight for years that suddenly gets dislodged..leaving you covered in it's contents...

but i don't think i'm gonna get the chance, so the inevitable task of trying to create 'closure' in my head will begin....