because of you...

sooo the 'person from my past' asked me the other day what impact his actions had had on me, and you know what, it was a really difficult question to answer - confronting too, when i stopped to think about it...and of course the events of the week have largely derailed my other plans so i have had PLENTY of time subsequently to consider it...

hard to create a definitive list as there have been so many profound impacts and of course, as i reflect on them, it makes me sad to think that something that happened a long time ago, half a world away, when i was just an innocent girl with her whole life ahead of her, has fundamentally changed the way my life may have turned out...not the least of which is the whole thing was so traumatic to me that for 25 years i managed to bury the memory of it so deep within me, that i didn't, at times, even know myself...sometimes i still don't...

so getting back the memory, whilst painful, actually felt like a gift...i finally had some information on a part of my life that had been hidden for so long and i started to work out a lot about myself that just had not made sense before...

i felt when you asked that you were somewhat incredulous that something that happened between us when we were children could have had such a profound impact on me, but let me tell you...it has been life changing and i have spent a large part of my life trying to come to terms with who i was and what it meant about me that you could do such a thing...

the impacts are many (sadly) and none of them good, as far as i can tell....they include me not being able to tolerate the touch of someone i don't know, especially men...i don't trust people and when they start to get close to me i push them away...i assume that with men unless i sleep with them they won't like me...i doubt myself...i often don't feel attractive...i am frightened of commitment because i assume i'm going to be hurt or let down, or worse, betrayed...i can't get into an elevator if it's full of men...it's difficult (but not impossible coz i've worked really hard to change this) to form intimate relationships...shall i go on? no, i didn't think so....

you took away my innocence, my ability to trust and for 25 years i couldn't understand why i was so angry or why i had such dysfunctional relationships with men...

so you've asked me if i can forgive you...and you know what? you're only asking so you can feel better...who's going to help me feel better? so sure if it makes you feel better i'll say the words, but don't think that me saying them actually changes anything...

your apology has been interspersed with your incurable flirtation and suggestiveness...which makes me question whether it is genuine? it seems that you are still that 13 year old boy...well, i no longer want to be that 13 year old girl....i am tired of feeling ashamed by something you did, i'm sad that so much of my life has gone by in anger and misunderstanding, i'm sad that my best friend could do something like this to me, and i'm sad that 28 years later you think it's ok to turn up and ask me to forgive you....

your suggestion to get to know each other and for you to attempt to help me trust you, are, i'm sure good intentions....and i'm torn, honestly i am....the 13 year old girl who misses her best friend terribly would like to get to know him again, the girl who had a crush on you would like to play that crush out (of course that's not really possible, but i have always wished time travel were possible...and honestly if it were i would only change one thing, and you already know what this is) but i have spent so much of my life life trying to get over trusting you the last time i did....

so because of you things haven't gone exactly how i would have liked them to...

and it doesn't matter to me that you may never read this, what's important is that i have said it...the universe (my trusty companion in matters of the heart) will see to it that you get the message....and when you do, i hope it doesn't take you the better part of 28 years to see the real and ongoing impact your actions had on me...

because of you i find it hard to trust, not only me but everyone around of me, because of you, i am afraid...kelly clarkson in case you thought i was able to produce such appropriate lyrics...