sooooo i think that almost a week after him popping back into my life (with little thought about what it might do to me...guess this is kind of a theme for him, not sure why i should be surprised) i am starting to lift from the mire of my feelings and feel as though i am getting closer to being able to let him go...and this is a process that has been a long time in the making....nearly 29 years actually, which is such a long long time....
it's been without a doubt, one of the most difficult weeks of my life...where i have cried more tears than i care to remember, where i have gone back over the events of that night far too many times, but one where i have started to think about the damage it has done and what impact it has had on me. in the past i have resisted doing this stuff coz i probably wasn't ready, and truth be known, after the year i have had, i'm not sure i'm ready now, but as my beautiful healer would say 'everything that happens to us is guided'...and so i put my trust in the universe and know that if this is happening, then surely it means better things are coming...it does right??
so the last week has been filled with things i probably should have done more of over the years coz i think to heal this part of me i have to do it....so whilst it has been hard (and by hard i mean soul destroyingly so) there is an ever growing part of me that feels as though him turning up is a gift....
of course initially i let my head focus on the good memories i had of him, and i think this in itself was a protection from having to go back to the awful stuff - it was easier to focus on the good stuff, and yet, that's not why he came back....
soo i let myself be carried away with the many romantic and sexual fantasies with him featuring as the main man, you know the 'let's pick up where we left off fantasy where we both get to be 13 again', convincing myself that for him to get in touch he must be unhappily married and all that that entails.... but as the days have gone on i have left all my nostalgic (sometimes i refer to them as romantic, but perhaps just deluded might be more appropriate) thinking behind and moved into some more 'what do i need?' sort of thinking...
and you know what's really sad? the fact that had he not done what he did all those years ago, the sort of thinking that i often find myself pre-occupied with (relating to men, relationships, sex etc) probably would not have become my 'default' position...a pattern that has not served me well over the years and in fact has not only left me doubting myself and getting myself into situations that i did not want to be in...but desperately unhappy..
yep, it's been devastating, no other word for it really..
i am angry with him in a way that i've never been angry with anyone before....my current fantasy is one where he gets really hurt (and this is hard for me to say because i am neither a violent nor vindictive person)....but the ease with which he has turned up in my life, makes me realise that he didn't then and doesn't now have ANY idea about what his actions did to me...
sooo now i am left with something of a dilemma....he wants to try and be friends! and the part of me that was his best friend and missed him for years afterwards, thinks that might be a nice idea...but almost every other part of my being is screaming at me to tell him to just fuck off...that's it FUCK OFF coz really, what else is there to say? sure there's the school of thought that would say if i truly forgive him then i'll feel better - and that might be the case....and before he turned up i think in my head i HAD forgiven him...but now he's turned up i'm not so sure...and i am a smart girl, so i can rationalise his behaviour into that of a 'teenage boy'....but even if i do that, it doesn't change what happened nor what it has done to me...
in the times since that fateful night i have not been able to let go of a lot of stuff and in fact i think that a lot of my occasional craziness started when he stopped being my best friend....and it's not like i haven't tried to work through this shit, coz trust me i have...years and countless dollars of therapy have helped, they have definitely helped, but still the trauma of it seems to be buried somewhere inside of me...and i think it's time to let that go...i think with these sorts of things, we hold onto the trauma to protect us and i totally get that, but i think that for me to hold onto it any longer is actually just gonna stop me getting what i want....and i am no longer willing to let what he did stand in my way...
sooo it will be letting go of the version of him i've carried around in my head for all those years....letting go of the childhood crush i had on him...saying goodbye to someone who for almost 4 years was my best friend...letting go of the need to be silent on what happened...and letting go of the patterns that have in many ways ruined a great deal of my life...
no more! i resolve to go get the right sort of help, whatever that may be, so i can deal with this stuff properly and move towards my future....now i just need to work out how to actually say goodbye to him....and then maybe then, i can finally start to let go....
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
nostalgia...
i love that word, i really do...but last weeks nostalgia on my part got me into a little bit of trouble...so i'm gonna try and work out why i sometimes choose nostalgia (read seeing things through rose coloured glasses) over reality!
i feel sick...
to the stomach...seems no matter how hard i try and distract myself with other things (mainly work!) i can't...
not only sick but tired...and sad, and tired, and sad, and tired but mostly sad...
i am not coping with everything i am now confronted with - this person turning up has made me realise that even though i may have thought i was over it, really i'm not...most of my behavioural patterns in some way are still impacted by what happened all those years ago...and as i sit and wonder what my life might have been like, it just makes me sad that the stupid actions of a 13 year old boy could play such a key role in my adult life...
if only i could go back...no amount of wishing i could will make it so....
it's not often i don't know where to start, but i am really stuck here...i feel as though i've lived with this for a lifetime (well i have really, coz 29 years is a lifetime to some people) and i no longer have the energy to do it...
but i wonder if i let go is everything (and i mean everything) going to come crashing down around my little head?
universe if you are listening, please please please send me a sign that i'm going to be ok....
not only sick but tired...and sad, and tired, and sad, and tired but mostly sad...
i am not coping with everything i am now confronted with - this person turning up has made me realise that even though i may have thought i was over it, really i'm not...most of my behavioural patterns in some way are still impacted by what happened all those years ago...and as i sit and wonder what my life might have been like, it just makes me sad that the stupid actions of a 13 year old boy could play such a key role in my adult life...
if only i could go back...no amount of wishing i could will make it so....
it's not often i don't know where to start, but i am really stuck here...i feel as though i've lived with this for a lifetime (well i have really, coz 29 years is a lifetime to some people) and i no longer have the energy to do it...
but i wonder if i let go is everything (and i mean everything) going to come crashing down around my little head?
universe if you are listening, please please please send me a sign that i'm going to be ok....
the plot thickens...
yep, following a couple of days of creative writing classes this month, the plot to my novel appears to be taking shape...in the intervening years between it's first go and the current dust off, i haven't had much time to contemplate the plot or where i want to take it...but now that i know that a big part of writing success is in the planning (not sure why i would be surprised about this as planning is typically my middle name...), but more specifically in the resolution of the conflict or crisis...well i have finally landed on a resolution that i think i'm happy with...
soo imagine my surprise then when the possibilities are now making themselves known! they just seem to come at me out of nowhere!
sooo methinks that Charlie (that's my main characters name) is going to get quite an ending - and something of a shock too! nothing like keeping the readers in suspense!
soo imagine my surprise then when the possibilities are now making themselves known! they just seem to come at me out of nowhere!
sooo methinks that Charlie (that's my main characters name) is going to get quite an ending - and something of a shock too! nothing like keeping the readers in suspense!
endings...
i never was very comfortable with endings, and i'm trying to sort through where this comes from...of course it could be something to do with liking the last word, but hey, don't we all have something to work on!
guess the events of my life have led me to the conclusion that endings are bad and so in my mind, i don't prepare for them very well...meaning i don't prepare for them at all, rather i AVOID them like the plague convincing myself that by hanging on to some thread of a relationship (no matter how bad it is or how damaging for me) it's just what has to be done...
fucking stupid really...and yet it seems the pattern of my life
so MANY realisations are coming thick and fast this week which is a bit overwhelming i gotta tell you...although i have managed to sleep well the last 2 nights so some of my energy is returning and i'm thinking much more clearly...bloody good thing that coz romantically inclined 13 year old girl is not a great decision maker - who would have figured that?
so i haven't heard from someone since he sent a text late friday night and methinks that's going to be the last time i hear from him...and part of me is ok with that, and the other part (the one who's not great with endings) doesn't really feel comfortable with that...arguably there are probably still some things that haven't been said, at least for me, and now i have had time to think through things, i think i could much more capably articulate what it is i want to say to him...
what i want to say to him is that i don't think he's been honest with me....i don't think his intentions towards me are entirely above board and i'd like to think he could be honest with me and treat me as a friend, just this once...but his actions to date would indicate otherwise....:-( hard to believe i held this person out as my 'perfect man' for so long...illusions are always so much more difficult to deal with when they come crashing down around your head like a box high up on a shelf in the cupboard, out of mind and out of sight for years that suddenly gets dislodged..leaving you covered in it's contents...
but i don't think i'm gonna get the chance, so the inevitable task of trying to create 'closure' in my head will begin....
guess the events of my life have led me to the conclusion that endings are bad and so in my mind, i don't prepare for them very well...meaning i don't prepare for them at all, rather i AVOID them like the plague convincing myself that by hanging on to some thread of a relationship (no matter how bad it is or how damaging for me) it's just what has to be done...
fucking stupid really...and yet it seems the pattern of my life
so MANY realisations are coming thick and fast this week which is a bit overwhelming i gotta tell you...although i have managed to sleep well the last 2 nights so some of my energy is returning and i'm thinking much more clearly...bloody good thing that coz romantically inclined 13 year old girl is not a great decision maker - who would have figured that?
so i haven't heard from someone since he sent a text late friday night and methinks that's going to be the last time i hear from him...and part of me is ok with that, and the other part (the one who's not great with endings) doesn't really feel comfortable with that...arguably there are probably still some things that haven't been said, at least for me, and now i have had time to think through things, i think i could much more capably articulate what it is i want to say to him...
what i want to say to him is that i don't think he's been honest with me....i don't think his intentions towards me are entirely above board and i'd like to think he could be honest with me and treat me as a friend, just this once...but his actions to date would indicate otherwise....:-( hard to believe i held this person out as my 'perfect man' for so long...illusions are always so much more difficult to deal with when they come crashing down around your head like a box high up on a shelf in the cupboard, out of mind and out of sight for years that suddenly gets dislodged..leaving you covered in it's contents...
but i don't think i'm gonna get the chance, so the inevitable task of trying to create 'closure' in my head will begin....
Sunday, November 28, 2010
because of you...
sooo the 'person from my past' asked me the other day what impact his actions had had on me, and you know what, it was a really difficult question to answer - confronting too, when i stopped to think about it...and of course the events of the week have largely derailed my other plans so i have had PLENTY of time subsequently to consider it...
hard to create a definitive list as there have been so many profound impacts and of course, as i reflect on them, it makes me sad to think that something that happened a long time ago, half a world away, when i was just an innocent girl with her whole life ahead of her, has fundamentally changed the way my life may have turned out...not the least of which is the whole thing was so traumatic to me that for 25 years i managed to bury the memory of it so deep within me, that i didn't, at times, even know myself...sometimes i still don't...
so getting back the memory, whilst painful, actually felt like a gift...i finally had some information on a part of my life that had been hidden for so long and i started to work out a lot about myself that just had not made sense before...
i felt when you asked that you were somewhat incredulous that something that happened between us when we were children could have had such a profound impact on me, but let me tell you...it has been life changing and i have spent a large part of my life trying to come to terms with who i was and what it meant about me that you could do such a thing...
the impacts are many (sadly) and none of them good, as far as i can tell....they include me not being able to tolerate the touch of someone i don't know, especially men...i don't trust people and when they start to get close to me i push them away...i assume that with men unless i sleep with them they won't like me...i doubt myself...i often don't feel attractive...i am frightened of commitment because i assume i'm going to be hurt or let down, or worse, betrayed...i can't get into an elevator if it's full of men...it's difficult (but not impossible coz i've worked really hard to change this) to form intimate relationships...shall i go on? no, i didn't think so....
you took away my innocence, my ability to trust and for 25 years i couldn't understand why i was so angry or why i had such dysfunctional relationships with men...
so you've asked me if i can forgive you...and you know what? you're only asking so you can feel better...who's going to help me feel better? so sure if it makes you feel better i'll say the words, but don't think that me saying them actually changes anything...
your apology has been interspersed with your incurable flirtation and suggestiveness...which makes me question whether it is genuine? it seems that you are still that 13 year old boy...well, i no longer want to be that 13 year old girl....i am tired of feeling ashamed by something you did, i'm sad that so much of my life has gone by in anger and misunderstanding, i'm sad that my best friend could do something like this to me, and i'm sad that 28 years later you think it's ok to turn up and ask me to forgive you....
your suggestion to get to know each other and for you to attempt to help me trust you, are, i'm sure good intentions....and i'm torn, honestly i am....the 13 year old girl who misses her best friend terribly would like to get to know him again, the girl who had a crush on you would like to play that crush out (of course that's not really possible, but i have always wished time travel were possible...and honestly if it were i would only change one thing, and you already know what this is) but i have spent so much of my life life trying to get over trusting you the last time i did....
so because of you things haven't gone exactly how i would have liked them to...
and it doesn't matter to me that you may never read this, what's important is that i have said it...the universe (my trusty companion in matters of the heart) will see to it that you get the message....and when you do, i hope it doesn't take you the better part of 28 years to see the real and ongoing impact your actions had on me...
because of you i find it hard to trust, not only me but everyone around of me, because of you, i am afraid...kelly clarkson in case you thought i was able to produce such appropriate lyrics...
hard to create a definitive list as there have been so many profound impacts and of course, as i reflect on them, it makes me sad to think that something that happened a long time ago, half a world away, when i was just an innocent girl with her whole life ahead of her, has fundamentally changed the way my life may have turned out...not the least of which is the whole thing was so traumatic to me that for 25 years i managed to bury the memory of it so deep within me, that i didn't, at times, even know myself...sometimes i still don't...
so getting back the memory, whilst painful, actually felt like a gift...i finally had some information on a part of my life that had been hidden for so long and i started to work out a lot about myself that just had not made sense before...
i felt when you asked that you were somewhat incredulous that something that happened between us when we were children could have had such a profound impact on me, but let me tell you...it has been life changing and i have spent a large part of my life trying to come to terms with who i was and what it meant about me that you could do such a thing...
the impacts are many (sadly) and none of them good, as far as i can tell....they include me not being able to tolerate the touch of someone i don't know, especially men...i don't trust people and when they start to get close to me i push them away...i assume that with men unless i sleep with them they won't like me...i doubt myself...i often don't feel attractive...i am frightened of commitment because i assume i'm going to be hurt or let down, or worse, betrayed...i can't get into an elevator if it's full of men...it's difficult (but not impossible coz i've worked really hard to change this) to form intimate relationships...shall i go on? no, i didn't think so....
you took away my innocence, my ability to trust and for 25 years i couldn't understand why i was so angry or why i had such dysfunctional relationships with men...
so you've asked me if i can forgive you...and you know what? you're only asking so you can feel better...who's going to help me feel better? so sure if it makes you feel better i'll say the words, but don't think that me saying them actually changes anything...
your apology has been interspersed with your incurable flirtation and suggestiveness...which makes me question whether it is genuine? it seems that you are still that 13 year old boy...well, i no longer want to be that 13 year old girl....i am tired of feeling ashamed by something you did, i'm sad that so much of my life has gone by in anger and misunderstanding, i'm sad that my best friend could do something like this to me, and i'm sad that 28 years later you think it's ok to turn up and ask me to forgive you....
your suggestion to get to know each other and for you to attempt to help me trust you, are, i'm sure good intentions....and i'm torn, honestly i am....the 13 year old girl who misses her best friend terribly would like to get to know him again, the girl who had a crush on you would like to play that crush out (of course that's not really possible, but i have always wished time travel were possible...and honestly if it were i would only change one thing, and you already know what this is) but i have spent so much of my life life trying to get over trusting you the last time i did....
so because of you things haven't gone exactly how i would have liked them to...
and it doesn't matter to me that you may never read this, what's important is that i have said it...the universe (my trusty companion in matters of the heart) will see to it that you get the message....and when you do, i hope it doesn't take you the better part of 28 years to see the real and ongoing impact your actions had on me...
because of you i find it hard to trust, not only me but everyone around of me, because of you, i am afraid...kelly clarkson in case you thought i was able to produce such appropriate lyrics...
Saturday, November 27, 2010
the inner critic is slowly becoming quiet...
so one thing that i have noticed this week is the amount of detail i have been willing to share...and this might be because i am writing so regularly or simply because what is going on is something i need to 'reflect' on from a gazillion angles...suffice it to say, you will have noticed that there is an honesty and a rawness this week and i actually think that might be a good thing...
methinks the inner critic is slowly but surely biting her tongue!
methinks the inner critic is slowly but surely biting her tongue!
10 minutes a day...
yep, that's what the homework was for my writing course last weekend - ten minutes a day to write - anything as long as i write...well i think with the events of this week i can safely say that i have written for at least 10 minutes each day...
sooo i wrote a post on facebook some time ago about forgiveness...and i couldn't understand why this person wouldn't forgive me for the silliest little mistake - admittedly it hurt her in some way, but in the scheme of things, it meant nothing...
but of course, invariably things have a way of coming back to bite you in the arse sometimes, and in this case, i'm the one being stung!
so this week, well you know kinda what's happened this week if you've been reading, someone from my past has popped up and is seeking forgiveness...
and of course i can easily say the words 'i forgive you' but for me that doesn't really leave me feeling any better - it doesn't make me understand what happened in any greater detail and even though i know we were 13 (i.e. kids), there is a part of me that is struggling with being confronted with it all again...
don't get me wrong, not like i haven't thought about it often enough - not like it hasn't left a huge blemish on my otherwise innocent being...and it impacts me in so many ways (i couldn't articulate this to him when he asked the other day but i now have a very long and articulate list in my head)....
and there is now, upon further pondering (fuck WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP?) yet another thought running through my head....why is he here? man, the universe better have something extra special in store for me coz i am struggling right now to work out why he would let him be here....sure, he wants to say sorry - but that makes him feel better - what about me?
soooo i'm going to bed now and hoping that perhaps some of these questions will answer themselves soon....
nite x
sooo i wrote a post on facebook some time ago about forgiveness...and i couldn't understand why this person wouldn't forgive me for the silliest little mistake - admittedly it hurt her in some way, but in the scheme of things, it meant nothing...
but of course, invariably things have a way of coming back to bite you in the arse sometimes, and in this case, i'm the one being stung!
so this week, well you know kinda what's happened this week if you've been reading, someone from my past has popped up and is seeking forgiveness...
and of course i can easily say the words 'i forgive you' but for me that doesn't really leave me feeling any better - it doesn't make me understand what happened in any greater detail and even though i know we were 13 (i.e. kids), there is a part of me that is struggling with being confronted with it all again...
don't get me wrong, not like i haven't thought about it often enough - not like it hasn't left a huge blemish on my otherwise innocent being...and it impacts me in so many ways (i couldn't articulate this to him when he asked the other day but i now have a very long and articulate list in my head)....
and there is now, upon further pondering (fuck WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP?) yet another thought running through my head....why is he here? man, the universe better have something extra special in store for me coz i am struggling right now to work out why he would let him be here....sure, he wants to say sorry - but that makes him feel better - what about me?
soooo i'm going to bed now and hoping that perhaps some of these questions will answer themselves soon....
nite x
pre-occupied...
seems i just can't stop the flow of thoughts....it's getting kind of annoying and i wish it would go away...maybe i shouldn't have deferred my therapy session this week :-(
what occurs to me is that due to the mixed messages, and the dashed hopes of a 13 year old girl, and the projection of that 13 year old inner child onto my 41 year old self i seem to have racked up some expectations....and i don't really know what to do with them...i'm trying to visualise packing them in a box and burning them...reckon that will work?
oh well! nice quiet saturday night in might be the trick x
what occurs to me is that due to the mixed messages, and the dashed hopes of a 13 year old girl, and the projection of that 13 year old inner child onto my 41 year old self i seem to have racked up some expectations....and i don't really know what to do with them...i'm trying to visualise packing them in a box and burning them...reckon that will work?
oh well! nice quiet saturday night in might be the trick x
channeling my inner sporty self...
so the events of the week have really taken their toll on me...emotionally mainly, but of course the amount of stuff going through my head has also meant i haven't slept that well and to a large extent i have lost my appetite (this isn't a bad thing for someone who's trying to lose weight...)...
so it wasn't much of a surprise when i woke up with a sore throat and headache...despite all that i felt the need to let some steam off and so i decided on a longer walk than usual and even felt the urge to run - that hasn't happened in years!
so a couple of things this week got me thinking about running...you know who runs and whenever i hear that other people run (and seems to be a GREAT way to lose weight, keep fit etc) i wonder why i don't do it - in the past i've often given excuses like my knee, my achilles, wrong bra, etc....
but when i started running (admittedly it was only ever interspersed with my walking, but increased over a couple of weeks) i actually really enjoyed it! it's bloody hard, don't get me wrong, it hurts but there's nothing like a good run to make you feel as though you have actually done some exercise...
so this morning that's what i did - even though i had a sore throat, was dog tired and felt like absolute crap, i threw 2 stints (maybe 1km each) into my walk...and i felt GREAT afterwards...
of course the other thing that spurred me on was this comment from a bloke i went to school with (not the same character who seems to have dominated the remainder of the week's posts...) "Are you ok with being single or would you prefer someone to have to make compromises with? You were always bright, sporty and pretty, so it must be a choice thing, eh?"....nice! so it made me realise a couple of things...
firstly, i never thought of myself as pretty at the age he knew me, so it's nice to have a different perspective on that...doesn't say much for my self esteem around that time (but hey, the years of therapy i think have finally helped me sort that out!)...and secondly, i really WAS sporty! i was captain of virtually any team i played in, good at sport, loved it, and over the years, for whatever reason i seem to dream up (laziness probably being the best one...) i seem to have lost it, and yet i'm NEVER happy with my figure...
soooo in an earlier post i said that 2011 would be the year to find a way to manage my level of stress about the business, make the business a financial success and perhaps i'll add a goal that will help me feel better about myself physically....to regain that 'sporty' image that so many people seem to remember...
so here's to channeling my inner sporty self - may she make an AMAZING comeback!
big list of to do's for 2011!
so it wasn't much of a surprise when i woke up with a sore throat and headache...despite all that i felt the need to let some steam off and so i decided on a longer walk than usual and even felt the urge to run - that hasn't happened in years!
so a couple of things this week got me thinking about running...you know who runs and whenever i hear that other people run (and seems to be a GREAT way to lose weight, keep fit etc) i wonder why i don't do it - in the past i've often given excuses like my knee, my achilles, wrong bra, etc....
but when i started running (admittedly it was only ever interspersed with my walking, but increased over a couple of weeks) i actually really enjoyed it! it's bloody hard, don't get me wrong, it hurts but there's nothing like a good run to make you feel as though you have actually done some exercise...
so this morning that's what i did - even though i had a sore throat, was dog tired and felt like absolute crap, i threw 2 stints (maybe 1km each) into my walk...and i felt GREAT afterwards...
of course the other thing that spurred me on was this comment from a bloke i went to school with (not the same character who seems to have dominated the remainder of the week's posts...) "Are you ok with being single or would you prefer someone to have to make compromises with? You were always bright, sporty and pretty, so it must be a choice thing, eh?"....nice! so it made me realise a couple of things...
firstly, i never thought of myself as pretty at the age he knew me, so it's nice to have a different perspective on that...doesn't say much for my self esteem around that time (but hey, the years of therapy i think have finally helped me sort that out!)...and secondly, i really WAS sporty! i was captain of virtually any team i played in, good at sport, loved it, and over the years, for whatever reason i seem to dream up (laziness probably being the best one...) i seem to have lost it, and yet i'm NEVER happy with my figure...
soooo in an earlier post i said that 2011 would be the year to find a way to manage my level of stress about the business, make the business a financial success and perhaps i'll add a goal that will help me feel better about myself physically....to regain that 'sporty' image that so many people seem to remember...
so here's to channeling my inner sporty self - may she make an AMAZING comeback!
big list of to do's for 2011!
perspective...
is a wonderful thing yes? so not only have i got my own number of perspectives in relation to 'current situation' but i now have that of my best friend...of course you have to remember that she is only interested in me being happy and does not want to see me hurt (yet again...)...
i am so glad we had made plans to catch up yesterday...by the time i got there just after 4pm not only was i ready for a cup of tea with her, but a hug and chat...and even though she is one of my closest friends, i sometimes find it difficult to open up and express what i'm feeling, but yesterday i was just too tired, both physically and emotionally, to even care about holding anything back and so out it all came...starting with the beginning and going right up to yesterday...and then i just cried
it was good to finally let some of it out...even though it has been a week where i have had a lot of time to reflect and ponder, i hadn't actually cried until i was with her, and as the tears rolled down my face i realised just how much all of this had impacted me...not just this week, but since that day, all those years ago, when things just started to unravel...
and of course i'm not irreparably broken, but it has taken it's toll...and of course even though we are best friends and have shared much in our 8 years of friendship, this is a story she had never heard...and therein lies one of the saddest things about life sometimes, is that even when we can't control what happens to us, there is a shame or embarrassment in talking about it (and now you know why i'm a therapist!!)...
so i talked, and she listened....and strangely after doing so, i felt better, closer to her and more understood...i think now she really gets some of what it's like to be me! she's not a person who's always good at expressing her emotion and like me, although moreso, she uses humour to hide what's really going on...but yesterday she turned up for me and i appreciated it...
soo then a coupla hours later (after i've spent some time with her 3 year old - the real reason i was there - his birthday!) we find ourselves standing in the kitchen going through the options....note to reader: she is very very practical and i'm very very romantic, so imagine the disconnect when i run her through my options (or at least the scenarios that have been going through my head, like a disjointed film reel on an old projector)....
Option 1: walk away now
Option 2: consider being friends with him
Option 3: become friends, I fall madly in love with him and he hurts me (again...)
Option 4: become friends, fall madly in love with each other, he leaves his wife and we live happily ever after...
so you can just imagine her rolling her eyes as i outline the options to her...actually, truth be known, option 1 did not exist until she put it there! she doesn't even really like option 2 because she doesn't actually think it's possible, and you know what? she's right....and as for options 3 and 4, she thinks i'm just fucking mad to even let myself even contemplate them...
i try and tell her that some people do find their soul mate even if there are complications and end up together...they do right?
so of course we have some fun with the options and i start to consider her take on it...and she says to me 'you're a romantic, you never walk away from anything, you can't help yourself'....i have nothing to say to this because i know it's true...so then she says that no matter what she'll be there as she always is....i know she so badly wants me not to get hurt again and frankly, neither do i, but i have romantic notion that the universe has conspired to get us together for good reason...
my fantasty is way down the track when i hear her saying to me 'this is because of all those books you read and they are FICTION'...and you know what, there's a part of me that believes that and then there's the romantic in me that just can't let it go...aarrgghh
her husband invites me to stay for dinner and i do...really not wanting to be all alone having had the week i did...and it's lovely...i leave reasonably early and she walks me to the car...as she does she hugs me, and tells me that life is short, and no matter what, she'll be there...i smile (and inside i think that her option 1 might be worth giving some consideration to)...
so i get home and think about it some more, and i realise that i need 'more information' in order to make a decision...of course there is something else i should realise at this point: do i need to make a decision right now? of course i don't, but somehow, i always feel compelled to do so...mental note to look at this in therapy sometime...don't really need to - it's all part of the 'not being very grey'...meaning i like things sorted out....not left unclear etc etc
so i ask him a question and due to him being out drinking and the fact that our text messages often overlap his response (or the response i think relates to my question) is 'of course'...and the question i had asked is 'have you cheated on your wife?'....
imagine my horror when i read this (now of course he may not have been answering that question)...of course - not the kind of answer i would expect to such a question, and one that has since given me a VERY VERY different perspective....and adds to a concern i had earlier in the week - the concern where he sees me as just another 'target'... of course i don't want to think that's true and some of the things he's said don't indicate that, but he oscillates between being the person i want to get to know, and the incurable flirt...and it leaves me confused!
and suddenly the 41 year old voice in my head, the one who knows better, the one who will not put herself in a situation knowingly that is doomed, is a little bit turned off...
and then as i'm lying in bed i start to try and put myself in his shoes - in his head actually - and wondering what must be going on for him? and then it starts to get messy....coz i can't understand what must be going on for him to get us to where we are now...where there seems to be a need to apologise and gain forgiveness (the bit i find attractive) and yet, that is then clouded by the 13 year old attraction and flirtation (which a different part of me finds attractive)....torn
back to my options then and i find that she's still (that 41 year old voice) competing with the romantically inclined voice who thinks that Option 4 is worth pursuing....
thank god the cricket will soon be on....maybe it'll provide the distraction i need!
i am so glad we had made plans to catch up yesterday...by the time i got there just after 4pm not only was i ready for a cup of tea with her, but a hug and chat...and even though she is one of my closest friends, i sometimes find it difficult to open up and express what i'm feeling, but yesterday i was just too tired, both physically and emotionally, to even care about holding anything back and so out it all came...starting with the beginning and going right up to yesterday...and then i just cried
it was good to finally let some of it out...even though it has been a week where i have had a lot of time to reflect and ponder, i hadn't actually cried until i was with her, and as the tears rolled down my face i realised just how much all of this had impacted me...not just this week, but since that day, all those years ago, when things just started to unravel...
and of course i'm not irreparably broken, but it has taken it's toll...and of course even though we are best friends and have shared much in our 8 years of friendship, this is a story she had never heard...and therein lies one of the saddest things about life sometimes, is that even when we can't control what happens to us, there is a shame or embarrassment in talking about it (and now you know why i'm a therapist!!)...
so i talked, and she listened....and strangely after doing so, i felt better, closer to her and more understood...i think now she really gets some of what it's like to be me! she's not a person who's always good at expressing her emotion and like me, although moreso, she uses humour to hide what's really going on...but yesterday she turned up for me and i appreciated it...
soo then a coupla hours later (after i've spent some time with her 3 year old - the real reason i was there - his birthday!) we find ourselves standing in the kitchen going through the options....note to reader: she is very very practical and i'm very very romantic, so imagine the disconnect when i run her through my options (or at least the scenarios that have been going through my head, like a disjointed film reel on an old projector)....
Option 1: walk away now
Option 2: consider being friends with him
Option 3: become friends, I fall madly in love with him and he hurts me (again...)
Option 4: become friends, fall madly in love with each other, he leaves his wife and we live happily ever after...
so you can just imagine her rolling her eyes as i outline the options to her...actually, truth be known, option 1 did not exist until she put it there! she doesn't even really like option 2 because she doesn't actually think it's possible, and you know what? she's right....and as for options 3 and 4, she thinks i'm just fucking mad to even let myself even contemplate them...
i try and tell her that some people do find their soul mate even if there are complications and end up together...they do right?
so of course we have some fun with the options and i start to consider her take on it...and she says to me 'you're a romantic, you never walk away from anything, you can't help yourself'....i have nothing to say to this because i know it's true...so then she says that no matter what she'll be there as she always is....i know she so badly wants me not to get hurt again and frankly, neither do i, but i have romantic notion that the universe has conspired to get us together for good reason...
my fantasty is way down the track when i hear her saying to me 'this is because of all those books you read and they are FICTION'...and you know what, there's a part of me that believes that and then there's the romantic in me that just can't let it go...aarrgghh
her husband invites me to stay for dinner and i do...really not wanting to be all alone having had the week i did...and it's lovely...i leave reasonably early and she walks me to the car...as she does she hugs me, and tells me that life is short, and no matter what, she'll be there...i smile (and inside i think that her option 1 might be worth giving some consideration to)...
so i get home and think about it some more, and i realise that i need 'more information' in order to make a decision...of course there is something else i should realise at this point: do i need to make a decision right now? of course i don't, but somehow, i always feel compelled to do so...mental note to look at this in therapy sometime...don't really need to - it's all part of the 'not being very grey'...meaning i like things sorted out....not left unclear etc etc
so i ask him a question and due to him being out drinking and the fact that our text messages often overlap his response (or the response i think relates to my question) is 'of course'...and the question i had asked is 'have you cheated on your wife?'....
imagine my horror when i read this (now of course he may not have been answering that question)...of course - not the kind of answer i would expect to such a question, and one that has since given me a VERY VERY different perspective....and adds to a concern i had earlier in the week - the concern where he sees me as just another 'target'... of course i don't want to think that's true and some of the things he's said don't indicate that, but he oscillates between being the person i want to get to know, and the incurable flirt...and it leaves me confused!
and suddenly the 41 year old voice in my head, the one who knows better, the one who will not put herself in a situation knowingly that is doomed, is a little bit turned off...
and then as i'm lying in bed i start to try and put myself in his shoes - in his head actually - and wondering what must be going on for him? and then it starts to get messy....coz i can't understand what must be going on for him to get us to where we are now...where there seems to be a need to apologise and gain forgiveness (the bit i find attractive) and yet, that is then clouded by the 13 year old attraction and flirtation (which a different part of me finds attractive)....torn
back to my options then and i find that she's still (that 41 year old voice) competing with the romantically inclined voice who thinks that Option 4 is worth pursuing....
thank god the cricket will soon be on....maybe it'll provide the distraction i need!
Friday, November 26, 2010
in a moment
- who we are can be called into question...
- our view of the world can change...
- our view of self can change...
- our sense of worth can disappear...
- the pattern for our relationships can change....
- and in many ways what happens in an instant can fundamentally change the course of a life...
i've never been very good at grey...
meaning that in most situations throughout my life i've been something of a 'black' or 'white' person...my views on stuff are the same: you would know this if you've ever found me stubbornly refusing to consider an alternative to the one i've convinced myself is right!
soooo now after 3 days of 'rollercoaster', seems the other voice in the dialogue in my head (the one who was hurt, the one who has found it hard to trust, the one who's best friend let her down) is making herself heard today....so rather than there being the romantically notioned one driving the outer behaviour, it's almost as if there is another perspective....methinks this is probably a good thing! certainly with my therapist hat on i can probably accurately name this one 'a defence mechanism' but there is now at least a very healthy internal debate....
added to that there is a very soft voice, one who hasn't yet been heard entirely in this 'internal debate' but who wants to make herself known...the one, who i think might sound like my mother, but only time will tell, that tells me how stupid i am to even contemplate spending any time with this person, and of course she leaves me feeling guilty (yep, pretty sure that could only be the voice of my mother)...
fuck, it's tiring being me right now....i wasn't sure if the romantically notioned voice would be put aside as the other voice said her piece...but now she seems to have found her voice (and it's loud and clear and angry, as you would expect from someone who's been hurt) the flashbacks to a time i really don't want to remember are coming in waves....maybe they are coming to remind me to be careful...maye they are coming to tell me that i really know very little about this person...or maybe they are (as my therapist hat suggested) simply a defence mechanism...hoping to short circuit any further hurt...
whatever she is saying, i'm trying hard to listen - i think it's important that she get her say....she's lived quietly for nearly 29 years and i think that hearing her is the only way...
it's gonna be a noisy day methinks!
soooo now after 3 days of 'rollercoaster', seems the other voice in the dialogue in my head (the one who was hurt, the one who has found it hard to trust, the one who's best friend let her down) is making herself heard today....so rather than there being the romantically notioned one driving the outer behaviour, it's almost as if there is another perspective....methinks this is probably a good thing! certainly with my therapist hat on i can probably accurately name this one 'a defence mechanism' but there is now at least a very healthy internal debate....
added to that there is a very soft voice, one who hasn't yet been heard entirely in this 'internal debate' but who wants to make herself known...the one, who i think might sound like my mother, but only time will tell, that tells me how stupid i am to even contemplate spending any time with this person, and of course she leaves me feeling guilty (yep, pretty sure that could only be the voice of my mother)...
fuck, it's tiring being me right now....i wasn't sure if the romantically notioned voice would be put aside as the other voice said her piece...but now she seems to have found her voice (and it's loud and clear and angry, as you would expect from someone who's been hurt) the flashbacks to a time i really don't want to remember are coming in waves....maybe they are coming to remind me to be careful...maye they are coming to tell me that i really know very little about this person...or maybe they are (as my therapist hat suggested) simply a defence mechanism...hoping to short circuit any further hurt...
whatever she is saying, i'm trying hard to listen - i think it's important that she get her say....she's lived quietly for nearly 29 years and i think that hearing her is the only way...
it's gonna be a noisy day methinks!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
morning clarity...
which may be something of a misleading title, coz i'm not sure CLARITY is present right now but it occured to me as i re-read my post (i often do this...i find it a good way to heighten my experiences and really get to the guts of what might be going on for me) that now that i've seen him again after all this time, i can honestly say that there is some part of me that has held onto the notion of him in my head as the 'perfect man'...sure this was a 13 year olds view of the world, so it may not translate into reality at the ripe old age of 41...but it hit me...when i woke up this morning (hours before the alarm was supposed to go off and feeling the effects of the half a bottle of wine i drank lastnight and with my head still ticking over, although visibly slower) that i just don't think i ever got over him....
and funny, it doesn't make me sad....it just seems to cement a whole lot of stuff in my head about the intervening 28 years....
earlier this year i was telling my therapist how badly i felt about the sort of 'man' i wanted to be with, the inevitable guilt that i feel when i get asked out and go and then find a variety of reasons why they just 'don't stack up'...see i'd been on a date with a guy who was only an inch taller than me and not very big...physically he was attractive enough to me but i just kept hearing a little voice in my head say 'yes but he's not big enough to protect you'....not to mention the wardrobe full of ridiculously high feels would become entirely redundant if i were to be with someone who wasn't tall enough to accomodate them! so i had felt guilty about this - over the years i have had first dates with guys who weren't that tall, and i have always thought they didn't measure up to this picture in my head....which i assumed was something modelled around my Dad....
turns out it has NOTHING to do with my Dad....but this man....who's now here and who's embrace i have now experienced...
so i guess that is clarity, but clarity on this particular point has just made the rest of it all foggier....
and funny, it doesn't make me sad....it just seems to cement a whole lot of stuff in my head about the intervening 28 years....
earlier this year i was telling my therapist how badly i felt about the sort of 'man' i wanted to be with, the inevitable guilt that i feel when i get asked out and go and then find a variety of reasons why they just 'don't stack up'...see i'd been on a date with a guy who was only an inch taller than me and not very big...physically he was attractive enough to me but i just kept hearing a little voice in my head say 'yes but he's not big enough to protect you'....not to mention the wardrobe full of ridiculously high feels would become entirely redundant if i were to be with someone who wasn't tall enough to accomodate them! so i had felt guilty about this - over the years i have had first dates with guys who weren't that tall, and i have always thought they didn't measure up to this picture in my head....which i assumed was something modelled around my Dad....
turns out it has NOTHING to do with my Dad....but this man....who's now here and who's embrace i have now experienced...
so i guess that is clarity, but clarity on this particular point has just made the rest of it all foggier....
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
oh dear methinks trouble is surely to follow....
soooo following on from last nights post...so the texting gets not so much out of hand as intense! it stops just before i try and sleep (didn't do a very good job of that and consequently have been EXHAUSTED today and a wee bit distracted) and starts again at 6.15am this morning! of course he's not to know that i'm not exactly an early morning person (we've now HAD that conversation...thankfully my phone is always on silent when i'm asleep so no chance i can be rudely awoken even if it is with someone i cannot seem to get out of my head!)....
so that continues pretty much all morning until we decide that we will catch up this afternoon - yep, you read it correctly - what i thought might takes weeks (although i was secretly hoping wouldn't) to happen, took a day! so we agreed to meet up and go to Balmoral (one of my favourite places and in fact signals a lot to me about how i now feel about Ben as we spent A LOT of time there together during our relationship)...truth be told though i love Balmoral so don't necessarily (at least not now) now automatically think of him when i go there - also, had gone there for years before we even met...so in some way it's lovely to have reclaimed that for myself :-)
ok, so he comes to pick me up at home, and as you can imagine, i'm getting very very anxious - what if we don't get on, what if we have nothing to say to each other, what if i don't find him attractive (which of course says a lot about what i hope to get out of this meeting....), what if he doesn't find me attractive, etc etc and of course there is the voice in my head (the other one) wondering why the fuck i would be meeting up with him anyway...
soooo he arrives, i go to meet him and the first thing we do is hug - and let me tell you, he has a good hug - firm, strong and just the sort of hug i imagine i want...you know he's taller than me, bigger than me and strong, so i feel protected in this hug...and now you know why it's gonna be trouble...
then i am very nervous - it's weird, 28.5 years between drinks (as it were) and he's here, in my country, in my city and in my living room! kind of an out of body experience and one i NEVER thought possible...
sooo we head to the beach and it's so nice down there (very windy, but nice)...get a drink, head to the peninsula and find a good spot to sit, and talk....funny, one thing i notice is that when i confront him about the flirting he backs off a bit...so it leaves me wondering what is really going on for him...guess one day i'll ask, or it will become obvious without me having to ask!
i ask him to rub sunscreen into my back/shoulders as i can feel my skin burning in the hot sun (although at the same time i'm loving the feeling of the heat on my back)...and as he does, i realise that his touch feels nice - welcome, unthreatening and really really nice...part of me wants it to continue into something much more than him rubbing sunscreen into my back, but he's married and i know he isn't going to want to take any risks....at least not today....
we chat, for hours! it's comfortable, it's easy, we reminisce - turns out he really does have a good memory and he remembers so much more about stuff than i do...the inevitable discussion about what happened seems to drift in and out of the conversation and there are apologies and explanations and a seeking to understand...for me it was amazing to think that my leaving had any impact on him - i had only ever (naturally) considered it from my perspective....
i love that he can talk about how he feels - i love that he is able to express that seemingly, so easily to me - it was always like that between us...but 28.5 years is a long time ago and i wonder if i'm getting ahead of myself...i wonder if what i'm feeling is about today or is my projection of my 13 year old inner child? guess i'm gonna need to ponder that question in coming days...
we come back to mine, have a cup of tea (we are both, after all, english, even though i won't admit to that!)...we chat some more, we look at photos, and a coupla things on the internet...as i know the time is fast approaching for him to leave i feel a bit confused - what will happen next? will anything happen next? will we see each other again? are we going to be able to just be friends (i'm not sure this is what i even want...)...so many questions, and now you know why my head is going mad with all the questions!
so i walk him to his car, but before that he hugs me inside - another one of those hugs that i know soon i am not going to be able to resist - and soon will become the sort of hug that i compare all others too (and sure this might sound dramatic, but i'm drunk and i'm feeling honest and for the first time in ages, maybe ever, i am ok to write exactly what is going on in my mind)....
so we get to the car and on the way he says to me simply 'i haven't told jane' (names have been changed to protect the innocent)...i tell him i'm not sure it's a good idea for him to do so, and then it seems to give me some hint as to what he might be thinking - if he had nothing to hide, surely he would tell her right?? because you already know that he's married....and i wish wish wish that he wasn't - i want a chance to really get to know this man, to see if we could have anything, but is there a point? am i going to end up heartbroken? is he merely the sort of man who flirts with anyone and i am just another of those women that he sees as an easy target? i don't know...i'd like to think i'm not, but how would i know - in 28.5 years i haven't seen him so his journey into manhood and who he is today has taken place without me as a witness...so rather than jumping ahead (which of course i find very easy , and tempting, to do) i need to actually get to know him...and to avoid repeating the patterns of my life, which in many ways stem from what happened between him and i soooo many years ago...
sooo we get to his car and hug again - this time he kisses me lightly on the cheek and i don't want to unfold myself from his embrace...strangely i feel safe there....and this is something i have wanted to feel for so long in the arms of a man...and with him i do...
we say goodbye, he says he'll call (and i hope he does)...i go inside on something of a cloud - in fact i feel as if i am 10 kgs lighter (if only...)...i get ready for dinner with a friend and his text arrives (as i knew it would)...
'u looked great, fantastic to see you, looking forward to next 28 years'....what is one to make of that? looking forward to the next 28 years???? of course i love that he can even verbalise this (one thing i find sooo attractive in a man is emotional awareness and ability to communicate what's going on)....
and now the downside, coz there always is one right - with me anyway....i find myself wondering why the universe has conspired to get him here and have us meet up, when he is married, and i know some people do end up in relationships with the 'other person', but i have done that 'other woman' thing before and i really really don't want to do it with him...i would like to get to know him, to be able to do that without feeling bad about it, and so we could see if there is anything there...and i am CERTAIN there is something there, i just don't know exactly what it is...
soooo to bed i go....feeling drunk (i finally relaxed the diet for one night so i could share a bottle of wine with a good friend) and excited and nervous and confused and wishing i could send him a text right now...of course i could but don't want to get him 'caught out'....
so hoping i sleep WAY better than last night and maybe just maybe, things will all be clearer tomorrow!
nite xx
so that continues pretty much all morning until we decide that we will catch up this afternoon - yep, you read it correctly - what i thought might takes weeks (although i was secretly hoping wouldn't) to happen, took a day! so we agreed to meet up and go to Balmoral (one of my favourite places and in fact signals a lot to me about how i now feel about Ben as we spent A LOT of time there together during our relationship)...truth be told though i love Balmoral so don't necessarily (at least not now) now automatically think of him when i go there - also, had gone there for years before we even met...so in some way it's lovely to have reclaimed that for myself :-)
ok, so he comes to pick me up at home, and as you can imagine, i'm getting very very anxious - what if we don't get on, what if we have nothing to say to each other, what if i don't find him attractive (which of course says a lot about what i hope to get out of this meeting....), what if he doesn't find me attractive, etc etc and of course there is the voice in my head (the other one) wondering why the fuck i would be meeting up with him anyway...
soooo he arrives, i go to meet him and the first thing we do is hug - and let me tell you, he has a good hug - firm, strong and just the sort of hug i imagine i want...you know he's taller than me, bigger than me and strong, so i feel protected in this hug...and now you know why it's gonna be trouble...
then i am very nervous - it's weird, 28.5 years between drinks (as it were) and he's here, in my country, in my city and in my living room! kind of an out of body experience and one i NEVER thought possible...
sooo we head to the beach and it's so nice down there (very windy, but nice)...get a drink, head to the peninsula and find a good spot to sit, and talk....funny, one thing i notice is that when i confront him about the flirting he backs off a bit...so it leaves me wondering what is really going on for him...guess one day i'll ask, or it will become obvious without me having to ask!
i ask him to rub sunscreen into my back/shoulders as i can feel my skin burning in the hot sun (although at the same time i'm loving the feeling of the heat on my back)...and as he does, i realise that his touch feels nice - welcome, unthreatening and really really nice...part of me wants it to continue into something much more than him rubbing sunscreen into my back, but he's married and i know he isn't going to want to take any risks....at least not today....
we chat, for hours! it's comfortable, it's easy, we reminisce - turns out he really does have a good memory and he remembers so much more about stuff than i do...the inevitable discussion about what happened seems to drift in and out of the conversation and there are apologies and explanations and a seeking to understand...for me it was amazing to think that my leaving had any impact on him - i had only ever (naturally) considered it from my perspective....
i love that he can talk about how he feels - i love that he is able to express that seemingly, so easily to me - it was always like that between us...but 28.5 years is a long time ago and i wonder if i'm getting ahead of myself...i wonder if what i'm feeling is about today or is my projection of my 13 year old inner child? guess i'm gonna need to ponder that question in coming days...
we come back to mine, have a cup of tea (we are both, after all, english, even though i won't admit to that!)...we chat some more, we look at photos, and a coupla things on the internet...as i know the time is fast approaching for him to leave i feel a bit confused - what will happen next? will anything happen next? will we see each other again? are we going to be able to just be friends (i'm not sure this is what i even want...)...so many questions, and now you know why my head is going mad with all the questions!
so i walk him to his car, but before that he hugs me inside - another one of those hugs that i know soon i am not going to be able to resist - and soon will become the sort of hug that i compare all others too (and sure this might sound dramatic, but i'm drunk and i'm feeling honest and for the first time in ages, maybe ever, i am ok to write exactly what is going on in my mind)....
so we get to the car and on the way he says to me simply 'i haven't told jane' (names have been changed to protect the innocent)...i tell him i'm not sure it's a good idea for him to do so, and then it seems to give me some hint as to what he might be thinking - if he had nothing to hide, surely he would tell her right?? because you already know that he's married....and i wish wish wish that he wasn't - i want a chance to really get to know this man, to see if we could have anything, but is there a point? am i going to end up heartbroken? is he merely the sort of man who flirts with anyone and i am just another of those women that he sees as an easy target? i don't know...i'd like to think i'm not, but how would i know - in 28.5 years i haven't seen him so his journey into manhood and who he is today has taken place without me as a witness...so rather than jumping ahead (which of course i find very easy , and tempting, to do) i need to actually get to know him...and to avoid repeating the patterns of my life, which in many ways stem from what happened between him and i soooo many years ago...
sooo we get to his car and hug again - this time he kisses me lightly on the cheek and i don't want to unfold myself from his embrace...strangely i feel safe there....and this is something i have wanted to feel for so long in the arms of a man...and with him i do...
we say goodbye, he says he'll call (and i hope he does)...i go inside on something of a cloud - in fact i feel as if i am 10 kgs lighter (if only...)...i get ready for dinner with a friend and his text arrives (as i knew it would)...
'u looked great, fantastic to see you, looking forward to next 28 years'....what is one to make of that? looking forward to the next 28 years???? of course i love that he can even verbalise this (one thing i find sooo attractive in a man is emotional awareness and ability to communicate what's going on)....
and now the downside, coz there always is one right - with me anyway....i find myself wondering why the universe has conspired to get him here and have us meet up, when he is married, and i know some people do end up in relationships with the 'other person', but i have done that 'other woman' thing before and i really really don't want to do it with him...i would like to get to know him, to be able to do that without feeling bad about it, and so we could see if there is anything there...and i am CERTAIN there is something there, i just don't know exactly what it is...
soooo to bed i go....feeling drunk (i finally relaxed the diet for one night so i could share a bottle of wine with a good friend) and excited and nervous and confused and wishing i could send him a text right now...of course i could but don't want to get him 'caught out'....
so hoping i sleep WAY better than last night and maybe just maybe, things will all be clearer tomorrow!
nite xx
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
fuck fuck fuck...
today has been a really weird day - kind of an out of body experience...so it goes something like this! 28 years ago i left england to move to australia, having been at boarding school for 4 years...whilst there my best friend was a boy (let's refer to him as 'C')...not only was he my best friend, but i had my first real 'boy crush' on him....
what I remember is that we were inseparable, intellectual equals, and we did everything together...so of course naturally i developed a very healthy 13 year old girl crush on him...who wouldn't right?
then something awful happened between us and my family moved to australia...i missed him of course, it's not easy to get over the loss of your best friend and your first crush, but of course, i was 13 and life moves on...
so imagine my surprise when a couple of months ago he finds me on facebook (maybe now i know why i had to get on it) and we become 'friends'...and his photo is a picture of him and his boys in Sydney (he's english and we went to boarding school in england - did i mention that????)....
so i send him an email, he doesn't respond and then this weekend just gone i get an email asking me if i'm around over xmas...so the emails go back and forth, he tells me he'll call to organise a catchup, we swap phone numbers and he starts texting me in the mornings (on his way to work)...turns out he lives 2 suburbs away from me, and is working at a hospital not far from me....
so the texting gets beyond him and he calls me - this morning as i'm blow drying my hair (explains the not so great job i did of blow drying today)...and it's lovely to talk to him...we chat for 10 minutes - he seems to remember a lot about me and tells me I was in 'blue house' (you know how schools divide up their pupils into houses so they can play sport against each other), i was tall and skinny (obviously i'd just had the last growth spurt i was gonna have last time he saw me) and i was smart (or did he say clever?)....
so we end our call coz i need to get out to my client and i drive to the client in a haze - actually i'm kinda surprised i got there! so there are multiple things going on in my head and oh my god, my head is in over drive...not sure how good a job i did with my client today, hopefully it wasn't too bad coz i really like working with them!
so then i do my work, go to see my supervisor and of course tell her all about it...she is great (did i mention that, she is GREAT)...we talked through it, and something i had never worked out in everything that happened was the loss of our friendship and the loss of what might be between us...so i'm feeling a bit nostalgic about it all and take a look at his text from this morning....which finished with 'can't wait to see you'...and i decide to tell him how i'm feeling, which goes something like this..."in my head you are still 13 years old, my best friend and the first boy i had a crush on" and his reply is "funny that cause you were always gonna be my girlfriend....then you left"....
and suddenly you know why today's post is titled fuck fuck fuck....
so here's why it's necessary to use the expletives repeatedly....he is MARRIED..........
so universe help me out here - why oh why would you put us in the same city, the same side of the harbour bridge no less, and have him remember WAY more about me than i do about him? why would you do this to me? have i not had a difficult enough time with relationships? has this year not been enough of a challenge? or is a blast from the past needed to allow me to move forward?
i haven't felt the need for vodka in ages, but i think now might be a great time for me and my old Absolut buddy to get re-acquainted...
what I remember is that we were inseparable, intellectual equals, and we did everything together...so of course naturally i developed a very healthy 13 year old girl crush on him...who wouldn't right?
then something awful happened between us and my family moved to australia...i missed him of course, it's not easy to get over the loss of your best friend and your first crush, but of course, i was 13 and life moves on...
so imagine my surprise when a couple of months ago he finds me on facebook (maybe now i know why i had to get on it) and we become 'friends'...and his photo is a picture of him and his boys in Sydney (he's english and we went to boarding school in england - did i mention that????)....
so i send him an email, he doesn't respond and then this weekend just gone i get an email asking me if i'm around over xmas...so the emails go back and forth, he tells me he'll call to organise a catchup, we swap phone numbers and he starts texting me in the mornings (on his way to work)...turns out he lives 2 suburbs away from me, and is working at a hospital not far from me....
so the texting gets beyond him and he calls me - this morning as i'm blow drying my hair (explains the not so great job i did of blow drying today)...and it's lovely to talk to him...we chat for 10 minutes - he seems to remember a lot about me and tells me I was in 'blue house' (you know how schools divide up their pupils into houses so they can play sport against each other), i was tall and skinny (obviously i'd just had the last growth spurt i was gonna have last time he saw me) and i was smart (or did he say clever?)....
so we end our call coz i need to get out to my client and i drive to the client in a haze - actually i'm kinda surprised i got there! so there are multiple things going on in my head and oh my god, my head is in over drive...not sure how good a job i did with my client today, hopefully it wasn't too bad coz i really like working with them!
so then i do my work, go to see my supervisor and of course tell her all about it...she is great (did i mention that, she is GREAT)...we talked through it, and something i had never worked out in everything that happened was the loss of our friendship and the loss of what might be between us...so i'm feeling a bit nostalgic about it all and take a look at his text from this morning....which finished with 'can't wait to see you'...and i decide to tell him how i'm feeling, which goes something like this..."in my head you are still 13 years old, my best friend and the first boy i had a crush on" and his reply is "funny that cause you were always gonna be my girlfriend....then you left"....
and suddenly you know why today's post is titled fuck fuck fuck....
so here's why it's necessary to use the expletives repeatedly....he is MARRIED..........
so universe help me out here - why oh why would you put us in the same city, the same side of the harbour bridge no less, and have him remember WAY more about me than i do about him? why would you do this to me? have i not had a difficult enough time with relationships? has this year not been enough of a challenge? or is a blast from the past needed to allow me to move forward?
i haven't felt the need for vodka in ages, but i think now might be a great time for me and my old Absolut buddy to get re-acquainted...
Sunday, November 21, 2010
mmmm not sure if i am feeling
sad (genuinely sad), sentimental (after watching Offspring) or whether i just have a bad case of PMT (period due tomorrow)...
it's kinda funny how things affect me these days - i guess they always have but i no longer pretend they don't - i wonder if that's what growing up is all about? or is it being authentic? or is it just finally not caring so much about what everybody thinks? anyway, it's good...i think! is it good? mmm yeah i guess it is coz if you are feeling sad there is very little else that is harder than to pretend you are not - to be hanging around people who you can't be yourself in front of...downright sad really and i think i have finally reached the stage in my life where i just don't want to do it...
sooo sure i'm feeling momentarily sad (after a great weekend) and of course there is the little verbalised problem (at least not on here) of the continual stress that running a business is...honestly, i haven't talked much about this because i DO love working for myself and the work i do brings me a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment, sometimes even joy...but the stress of running this thing is sometimes overwhelming, all consuming, sleep interrupting and sadly, not doing much for my health...
soooo my mission for 2011 (in addition to making the business more of a financial success) is to work out how to manage my levels of stress, coz i fear, if i don't, it's probably gonna do me some serious harm...and i don't want to go all drama queen and say it might kill me, but it just cannot be sustainable for a human to live with this sort of stress, a pre-occupation with where the revenue is coming from....it's not possible, and if it is, then it's not possible for me...
of course even admitting that feels, in some small way (not in my head, but in my body, somewhere deep in my psyche, somewhere in there where the child in me never felt good enough) like failure and failure and me, well, let's just say we don't get on that well...
i have spent almost my entire life trying not to fail, trying to please everybody, trying to be fucking perfect...no wonder i can't bear the thought of something that's all about me, might not work out...
of course, when i am feeling sane (i.e. not now!) and looking at the actual evidence around me (this is a CBT trick i get my clients to use when they question themselves or get into their negative thought patterns) there isn't really any cause for concern...coz i could actually sign a stack of business between now and Xmas with all the leads i have out there, but of course, there's always a small chance, that i won't...and that 'what if' is doing my head in...seriously...
soooo i'm gonna take my sentimental, sad and PMT ridden self to bed and hope that as the sun rises and me with it, i feel a wee bit less sad for my week ahead...
nite xx
it's kinda funny how things affect me these days - i guess they always have but i no longer pretend they don't - i wonder if that's what growing up is all about? or is it being authentic? or is it just finally not caring so much about what everybody thinks? anyway, it's good...i think! is it good? mmm yeah i guess it is coz if you are feeling sad there is very little else that is harder than to pretend you are not - to be hanging around people who you can't be yourself in front of...downright sad really and i think i have finally reached the stage in my life where i just don't want to do it...
sooo sure i'm feeling momentarily sad (after a great weekend) and of course there is the little verbalised problem (at least not on here) of the continual stress that running a business is...honestly, i haven't talked much about this because i DO love working for myself and the work i do brings me a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment, sometimes even joy...but the stress of running this thing is sometimes overwhelming, all consuming, sleep interrupting and sadly, not doing much for my health...
soooo my mission for 2011 (in addition to making the business more of a financial success) is to work out how to manage my levels of stress, coz i fear, if i don't, it's probably gonna do me some serious harm...and i don't want to go all drama queen and say it might kill me, but it just cannot be sustainable for a human to live with this sort of stress, a pre-occupation with where the revenue is coming from....it's not possible, and if it is, then it's not possible for me...
of course even admitting that feels, in some small way (not in my head, but in my body, somewhere deep in my psyche, somewhere in there where the child in me never felt good enough) like failure and failure and me, well, let's just say we don't get on that well...
i have spent almost my entire life trying not to fail, trying to please everybody, trying to be fucking perfect...no wonder i can't bear the thought of something that's all about me, might not work out...
of course, when i am feeling sane (i.e. not now!) and looking at the actual evidence around me (this is a CBT trick i get my clients to use when they question themselves or get into their negative thought patterns) there isn't really any cause for concern...coz i could actually sign a stack of business between now and Xmas with all the leads i have out there, but of course, there's always a small chance, that i won't...and that 'what if' is doing my head in...seriously...
soooo i'm gonna take my sentimental, sad and PMT ridden self to bed and hope that as the sun rises and me with it, i feel a wee bit less sad for my week ahead...
nite xx
Friday, November 19, 2010
it's been a great week...
it's so nice to actually a) think that and b) write it...it feels like SOOOO long since i was able to say that! migraine now gone (ended up hanging around for 10 days...) and so that has made life a whole lot easier...
couple of really good things are happening on the work front, i am no longer remotely upset about the so called 'friend' who went quiet a couple of months ago...even had a moral victory on that front this week - will wonders ever cease??
my emotional rollercoaster certainly seems to have settled down and for that i am ETERNALLY grateful...i was beginning to really think that something serious was wrong with me....
had a lovely day shopping with Sara today - we were supposed to be doing xmas shopping for others, and whilst i did get 3 or 4 people's gifts sorted, i ended up buying more for myself....and not a bad thing really - it's been a very very tough few months and i haven't really felt like shopping, but today just felt good - we found some lovely stuff, mostly bargains and i did a bit of aunty gok channeling!
have had some great work based compliments this week and i'm hopeful (although keen not to jinx myself) that one job i am working on could become a 1 day/week perm part time assignment - which would be GREAT - i love this company, their staff and what the role would be about...so please universe if you are listening, please let everything line up for that...and another few big things in the wind so all going well i'll make my half year billing target and be able to celebrate New Years Eve having achieved that...
big weekend of creative writing ahead with 2 x 1 day workshops booked in (yes i know, i am now wondering what the hell i was thinking) and another 1 dayer next weekend...
tired now, bed is surely calling....nite xx
couple of really good things are happening on the work front, i am no longer remotely upset about the so called 'friend' who went quiet a couple of months ago...even had a moral victory on that front this week - will wonders ever cease??
my emotional rollercoaster certainly seems to have settled down and for that i am ETERNALLY grateful...i was beginning to really think that something serious was wrong with me....
had a lovely day shopping with Sara today - we were supposed to be doing xmas shopping for others, and whilst i did get 3 or 4 people's gifts sorted, i ended up buying more for myself....and not a bad thing really - it's been a very very tough few months and i haven't really felt like shopping, but today just felt good - we found some lovely stuff, mostly bargains and i did a bit of aunty gok channeling!
have had some great work based compliments this week and i'm hopeful (although keen not to jinx myself) that one job i am working on could become a 1 day/week perm part time assignment - which would be GREAT - i love this company, their staff and what the role would be about...so please universe if you are listening, please let everything line up for that...and another few big things in the wind so all going well i'll make my half year billing target and be able to celebrate New Years Eve having achieved that...
big weekend of creative writing ahead with 2 x 1 day workshops booked in (yes i know, i am now wondering what the hell i was thinking) and another 1 dayer next weekend...
tired now, bed is surely calling....nite xx
Monday, November 15, 2010
somewhere in my 'me' weekend, my mojo re-appeared...
yep, you read it correctly! somewhere in my very Sarah oriented weekend, my mojo seems to have made an appearance and she is BACK! woo hoo...
hopefully she's here to stay...i can tell you she got a warm welcome this morning when i realised she was here :-) it made such a nice surprise...
soooo turns out that for little 'introverts' (MBTI language) like myself, 3 weekends away in a month is not ideal...worse than that, i think it actually sucks all the life out of me and leaves me wondering what the fuck i was thinking in agreeing to do 3 weekends away in one month...
soooo i had a LOVELY weekend...early dinner with one of best girlfriends Fri night, lazy morning Saturday, followed by tea and book reading on balcony (this lasted 4 hours until book was finished - The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon - it's a MUST read), followed by some work (hadn't done some stuff during week that i needed to, so did it Sat arvo), quick trip to Victoria's Basement where I came out with $10 worth of cards (amazing i know, usually i can't help myself in that shop...), then a quiet nite in - Home Alone 2 Lost in New York was the perfect movie to make me laugh out loud....another sleep in, late brekky with a friend, coupla hours to watch golf, then my crystal healing session...dinner of Cookies & Cream Icecream (i know i know, shouldn't have done it..), and then an early night.....heavenly weekend! wondering when i can have another one just like it!
and in the last week i have crossed a few things off the 'to do list for myself':
let's hope so
nite
xx
hopefully she's here to stay...i can tell you she got a warm welcome this morning when i realised she was here :-) it made such a nice surprise...
soooo turns out that for little 'introverts' (MBTI language) like myself, 3 weekends away in a month is not ideal...worse than that, i think it actually sucks all the life out of me and leaves me wondering what the fuck i was thinking in agreeing to do 3 weekends away in one month...
soooo i had a LOVELY weekend...early dinner with one of best girlfriends Fri night, lazy morning Saturday, followed by tea and book reading on balcony (this lasted 4 hours until book was finished - The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon - it's a MUST read), followed by some work (hadn't done some stuff during week that i needed to, so did it Sat arvo), quick trip to Victoria's Basement where I came out with $10 worth of cards (amazing i know, usually i can't help myself in that shop...), then a quiet nite in - Home Alone 2 Lost in New York was the perfect movie to make me laugh out loud....another sleep in, late brekky with a friend, coupla hours to watch golf, then my crystal healing session...dinner of Cookies & Cream Icecream (i know i know, shouldn't have done it..), and then an early night.....heavenly weekend! wondering when i can have another one just like it!
and in the last week i have crossed a few things off the 'to do list for myself':
- booked tennis coaching
- joined bookclub and am reading book
- agreed to go to a peer group supervision meeting with other therapists/coaches
- signed up for 2 Writing Courses
let's hope so
nite
xx
Saturday, November 13, 2010
i'm just loving this start to summer
i have really enjoyed the last few days...summer is clearly coming, even the light doona is now too warm, the evenings are lovely, the cardi's and pashmina's almost don't get a look in as i'm rushing out the door, and the sky seems to be a permanent (and lovely) hue of blue...
the whirring of the fan, the cacophony of the insects that are busy going about their day (seemingly right under my window!), the faint sound of bat against ball as the locals play cricket and if the tele is on the marvellous voice of Richie Benaud lulling me into an afternoon nap as he describes every delicious moment of the game unfolding somewhere else....these are my favourite sounds of summer...what are yours?
i feel happier! as if the winter 'weight' has lifted and something in me has shifted - only time will tell i guess...
funny thing happened at my acupuncturist yesterday as i was recounting to him the story of my migraine (and continuing headache - we are now into Day 9....): he said that for most people either an ice cold coke or a hot coffee with sugar can if taken at the onset of a migraine, intervene....imagine my delight then coz i do love an excuse to down an ice cold can of coke - it's ordinarily (especially on current regime) a huge NO NO! of course the dreams you have both during a migraine and after, a BIZARRE and coming from me that's hilarious coz most of my dreams are weird...but seems they are very real anda whole lot of people from the past are coming up....and you know what? they are in reality too :-)
to my friend MJ, who's all the way over in dark cold England....thanks for continuing to keep in touch with my life from over there - thanks for calling the other day - know that you are often in my thoughts and i miss you....
enjoy the start of summer xx
Monday, November 8, 2010
shooting stars and jackhammers...
is what i had to contend with on saturday...so i had my 2nd migraine (i had kinda hoped after the first one, which was, admittedly, almost a year ago) that i might not get another one...
but not...this one struck most inconveniently at a wedding - actually it started the day before the wedding, but as i'm a novice, the signs weren't obvious...meaning that by the time they were obvious, it was too late for me to take any amount of drugs and keep going...consequently i missed the reception and went home to sleep - a sleep that lasted for 15 hours
so what started as a bad headache on friday evening, turned into a worse headache saturday morning, followed by shooting stars and a pain so intense in and around my left eye socket that i thought a jackhammer must surely be in there trying to get out...even after my 15 hour drug induced sleep i felt very off on sunday - still had a headache but the pretty shooting stars had gone...and today other than a wee hint of a headache, i'm much better...
man, what a ride! i really do feel sorry for people who are plagued with migraines - i've had 2 in 1 year and let me tell you, that's 2 too many!!
could be a number of contributing factors i guess (my sister asked what brought it on, but seriously, how would i know this)....
sooo goodbye shooting stars and jackhammers...please stay away!
but not...this one struck most inconveniently at a wedding - actually it started the day before the wedding, but as i'm a novice, the signs weren't obvious...meaning that by the time they were obvious, it was too late for me to take any amount of drugs and keep going...consequently i missed the reception and went home to sleep - a sleep that lasted for 15 hours
so what started as a bad headache on friday evening, turned into a worse headache saturday morning, followed by shooting stars and a pain so intense in and around my left eye socket that i thought a jackhammer must surely be in there trying to get out...even after my 15 hour drug induced sleep i felt very off on sunday - still had a headache but the pretty shooting stars had gone...and today other than a wee hint of a headache, i'm much better...
man, what a ride! i really do feel sorry for people who are plagued with migraines - i've had 2 in 1 year and let me tell you, that's 2 too many!!
could be a number of contributing factors i guess (my sister asked what brought it on, but seriously, how would i know this)....
- maybe the fact that after 2 years of an irregular cycle, i am finally having regular periods again (turns out having a malfunctioning liver doesn't just impact the stuff you think it will impact)
- maybe the fact that it's been a bloody difficult year in many ways...
- maybe the fact that i didn't really (if i'm honest) want to go to this wedding, and not coz i don't like the people getting married, but because i am feeling really confronted by anything to do with where i am not...and i am so far away from finding someone i want to marry, that it just makes me sad...
sooo goodbye shooting stars and jackhammers...please stay away!
Monday, November 1, 2010
pondering...
why it is that after 9 months i still seem to care what happens to the ex...i don't even like that term...why is it, when he didn't seemingly give a crap about me or my happiness for so long, that even long after we are no longer together, i still care about what happens to him...
i get on a cognitive level how that may have come about and i get that in the past, it might have served me to think that i could help him or that i was responsible for his happiness or even just that i was needed, but it's now really causing me to re-live the trauma of so many things over and over and over again...
and i'm tired...i'm tired of wondering if he's ok, i'm tired of wondering what it will mean about me as a person if i can say i no longer care, i wonder if i'll ever be able to say i never care - i doubt i will...but then if i can't get to a healthy place about it and him and his happiness, i feel as though i'm stuck...and i'm tired of being stuck...i'm tired to still feeling like i should care about someone who didn't care about me, who couldn't care about me, i'm tired of the flashbacks that hurt....
it's a crap place to be and i'm really struggling with it....
i'm tired....
i get on a cognitive level how that may have come about and i get that in the past, it might have served me to think that i could help him or that i was responsible for his happiness or even just that i was needed, but it's now really causing me to re-live the trauma of so many things over and over and over again...
and i'm tired...i'm tired of wondering if he's ok, i'm tired of wondering what it will mean about me as a person if i can say i no longer care, i wonder if i'll ever be able to say i never care - i doubt i will...but then if i can't get to a healthy place about it and him and his happiness, i feel as though i'm stuck...and i'm tired of being stuck...i'm tired to still feeling like i should care about someone who didn't care about me, who couldn't care about me, i'm tired of the flashbacks that hurt....
it's a crap place to be and i'm really struggling with it....
i'm tired....
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