one of the many aspects of therapy

that i love, is the thinking it prompts in between sessions....sooo right now i am finding myself doing a lot of reflecting, not only on what is going on for me right now, but on how that is linked to historic events of my life...and you know, and of course i know, that there are some key linkages here, and that's probably why i've been feeling so sad and like everything that happens is a personal attack on me - coz quite simply, stuff from my past is right here haunting me and i haven't yet worked thru it...

sooo i'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, what i am going to say is that as time goes on i am drawing some conclusions about the link between abandonment (and resulting attachment) - expectations and then disappointment...

so these are themes i have often found myself grappling with and the last few weeks with everything that has been going on with someone i thought was a friend is a perfect example - quite possibly i have made what has happened all about me...of course the alternative is that there is a very real rift between us and after only one discretion (and i'm not even sure i will concede that it was that) this person has decided that whatever non professional relationship we had is no longer for her...i respect that - of course it has implications for me, both personally and possibly professionally, but in the long run, if she is the sort of person that after one thing doesn't stick around, well that says a lot more about her than it does about me...

but deep deep down there is this little nagging voice - telling me that i should have handled it differently or that i didn't do the right thing or that i am at fault...i wonder when that voice is ever going to be on my side, and tell me that i did exactly what was right at the time and to trust my instincts???

i wonder, where is that voice? well i can tell you i'm gonna be searching for her and when i find her, i am not going to let her go...

she made an appearance earlier this year, but since then, with health issues and the sometimes sad reality of what me finding her led to, she hasn't been around so much...

sooo my quest now is to find her - to resolve some of the other issues mentioned above (namely the links) and move on....

easier said than done methinks, but i do love a challenge....of sorts!

nite
xx