life is a rollercoaster sometimes...

and often when we are on such a ride, we don't know how or where to get off...

soooo this has been my last few days...following a much brighter start to the week last week, the end of the week (and my much anticipated Cairns getaway) proved very different...being in a hotel on my own, surrounded by couples and people with their families, made me feel as though life really has passed me by, and whilst for the most part i am ok with not having had children, there are times when i find it all a bit much to be confronted with it....

and so i find myself again questioning my version of success - and of course, this version is not the version that i apply to my friends, no, they don't have such high expecations or standards (in this regard at least) thrust upon them...no, this version is just for me

and i wonder why on earth that is? i mean of course i KNOW on many levels why it is, but not all of those things are the sorts of things one might post on a blog! but of course, like everything, our own life experiences shape who we are and our view of the world, and consequently our beliefs about ourself...

sooo what i'm going to try really hard to do (both on my own and with my therapist) is to really get under this belief i have that i won't be successful until i have a partner, and sure that might sound silly or superficial or whatever to you, but to me it really is how i see success...no matter how much money i earn, how fulfilling my work is, how much financial stability i have created for myself, how many amazing trips i've been on or how many wonderful friendships i have etc etc, it still feels empty...empty and meaningless, and i know that is a phrase that landmark use to describe life, but actually, i don't want my life to feel like that...

i want my life to feel full and meaningful...is that too much to ask??

i don't think it is...now i just have to work out how to ditch some of the beliefs i've held for years, that are simply not only no longer working for me, but methinks, in fact, they are actually holding me back...

nite xx