met ben, fell in love and got my heart broken - this was the gist of something i just wrote to a friend who sent me a msg to see how i was doing (following a rare vulnerable post on FB earlier this week)....honestly i do...which gets me starting to wonder if i could ever let myself fall in love again...which is ironic coz i am lonely and what i realised today (after yet another blow to my confidence) is that sometimes the thing that would be most lovely about being in a relationship with someone, is having someone to talk to at the end of those crappy days - someone who is on your side, and will listen, and of course someone who will be a sounding board as you make difficult decisions...
i miss that...i really really do and i am trying so fucking hard to put on a brave face and get on with life, but i'm miserable and struggling and wish things could be different....it just seems everytime i make inroads to fighting this stuff, some other fucking thing pops up to throw me a loop...
so today, i woke up feeling good, sun shining, got up early, did some work, got myself to client only to find out that i hadn't been invited to the 30 year anniversary function for the consulting company i am working for (who told me i would be invited when i first started work with them) - now of course you will know from previous posts that i don't like this company, don't think many of their values are aligned with mine and don't think they operate entirely with integrity, but to find out i hadn't been invited, just hurt and was a real slap in the face....i am out there doing a great job with their client, never get any feedback or thank you from them, only emails picking at what i do, and now coz previous friend is a friend of the MD's girlfriend (and has no doubt talked about the situation with this woman) i have been excluded...and you know, i don't even want to go - i don't like them, i don't respect them, i certainly don't want to socialise with them but they didn't invite me has me wondering what it is about me that they don't like and simply re-affirms my belief that i've done something wrong and i'm not good enough...and here we are again, back to that little girl who is basically one big mistake...
seems i am INCAPABLE of seeing things objectively right now, and fundamentally i actually think i am broken...
i wish i were kidding, but i'm not...so i'm going to try and write down the list of beliefs i currently have that cognitively i know are not working for me but for some reason right now are managing to really undermind me (now this is a massive undertaking and not one i am likely to a) complete in one post or b) feel emotionally stable enough to get out in one go...
- until i am married or in a committed relationship, i'm just not going to see myself as successful (no wonder i would prefer to be with someone and no wonder i seem to attract and fall for the wrong type of men)
- i feel as though life has passed me by
- that everytime something doesn't go quite the way i want it to, i assume it's about me and that i could have done something differently
- that i'm not good enough for someone to love me
- that my judgement of people (not clients) is off
- all the 'should' beliefs that i have are starting to drive me crazy, especially when i don't think they are really my beliefs...yet they seem so hard to abandon
so you see, life seemed easier before ben came along - sure the beginning was great - that in love phase, the belief that i could meet someone and be with someone, but of course it has, subsequently, all come crashing down...and even though i instigated the breakup, which means when i am feeling as i do today, i question why i would let go of it...of course i know that on some level, our relationship wasn't right - i'd known for ages - probably why i was so unwell and felt depressed (probably was just grieving and processing, but it sure felt like depression - or maybe it was just apathy...) for so long...
in finding my voice and standing up for me (which i seem to be faced with a lot right now) it seems that i end up losing people - how can that be so - that just seems to re-affirm that not having a voice means i have more relationships...but surely having the right sort of relationships is worth pursuing, right?
or is it? am i expecting too much? do i have expectations of people that are unreasonable? as an example is it reasonble to expect friends not to 'drop you like a hot potato' the minute they get busy? is it reasonable to expect your partner to be capable of demonstrating their love for you? is it reasonable to expect people to behave with integrity? is it reasonable to expect friends to be considerate? is it reasonable to work for someone and expect them to acknowledge your contribution?
fuck, i am just so lost - i'm confused and tired, and feel so unsure of myself....where did i go wrong? seriously? i feel this overwhelming urge to just pack everything in but i don't know where i'd go or what i'd do...and all this from someone who says she is living her dream....
that's another thing i haven't mentioned, hardly to anyone, but running your own business is bloody stressful - the constant need to generate leads and work, and not just 'do' the work, but sign up the next client, is exhausting and whilst i am doing ok (actually, evidence would tell you that on current projections, unless i ditch the consulting company who are causing me so much grief, my current year revenue will be 3.2 times last years, and that is without signing any more business....) it just feels really bloody hard, and in a way that i hadn't expected it to be (that was probaby naive, or stupid, or a bit of both..)
i sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be easier to get a job and of course it would, but there are many things about having a job that does not appeal to me such as the lack of autonomy, and more importantly, the authority figures...and therein lies one of my issues...which i've known for a long time
i don't like authority - goes all the way back to my childhood, but it would appear as though that is not yet healed...
sooo i am now too tired to write anymore...i am honestly tired and sad and lonely and wondering where things will go from here...
nite xx
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