what is it we think they are asking? so i read an interesting article the other day which basically summised that most times people are asking about our physical health with little regard for our emotional wellbeing, and i have to say, having had one of the most difficult years of my life and one where i frequently feel sad, lost and lonely, i can vouch for that...
it's kinda sad that we focus so much on the physical - the tangible - the stuff we can see - but really, i would rather be in physical than emotional pain - for physical pain there is not only a wide range of medications that we have available to us, but a recognition that something is actually wrong...
just because people can't see what's wrong with us when we are struggling emotionally, doesn't mean it's not real...
and i know this coz not only have i had some experience of mental health, but i am also finding it increasingly difficult to find things that make me happy right now...
my usual spark and zest for life has gone (hopefully only temporarily) and i can honestly say that there are moments when i wonder if i will ever feel happy again...this has been going on for about 2 weeks now, and i can honestly say that i haven't (other than when there were clear external factors influencing my mood or situation) felt this sad in years....
the initial grief of the break up seems well behind me, for a period of time it was replaced with a renewed energy and enthusiasm to focus on me, and now with that, and my holiday behind me, i just now feel empty...
there is sense of hopelessness and not having anything to look forward to and i'm sure if i were to do CBT on myself, then i wouldn't find much evidence to support how i feel right now, but that's just the point isn't it, it's not about evidence or physical stuff or even reality, my reality right now is that quite frankly, i am alone...
and this is one reason that i chose to stay with Ben for longer than i probably should have - and don't get me wrong, coz i also loved and cared about him, but even when things weren't working (and they weren't for a long time before we broke up) i still figured that having someone (him even) around was better than this...
and for a little while after the breakup i had a sense of freedom and that definitely eased the blow, but that euphoria (and i don't say that i was euphoric, so much as i felt free to focus on me and that initially felt euphoric) seems to be long gone and now i'm faced with starting over...
the very thing i didn't want to have to do...and it's easy for everyone to say 'oh you'll be alright, you'll meet someone else' (i even found myself saying it to a much younger friend the other day - and when i said it i honestly believed he will) but sometimes i wonder if i will be alright, and if i will meet someone else???
i was talking to a friend yesterday about this and she basically said 'life is shit sometimes' and even though there are many things i am grateful for, i find myself feeling sad and resentful a lot just recently...
it's at these times too that it's easy to question the value in some of our friendships - people i previously thought were good friends and there for me, haven't made contact in months and so then i get to thinking that maybe that's about me - am i bad company? is my sadness (which frankly, other than the first month or so after and the last 2 weeks, has NOT been how i have presented to the world) too much for some people? or were they maybe just never very good friends in the first place?
kinda makes me sad and one thing i always missed about being single before i met Ben was never feeling like i was important to just that one person - it seems everywhere i look right now people around me are with someone, and it has heightened my sense of being alone...
so universe if you are listening - i am struggling right now to find my smile so if you can find it in your heart/power to send me a little sign, i'd really appreciate it :-)
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