on the count down to 500 posts....

i just realised that in 25 more posts i will have posted 500 times! amazing, as when i started this thing in early 2008 i wasn't sure it would last - guess i proved myself wrong!

i do love blogging - i love that it's largely anonymous and only people who i really want to know my business actually have the link...i love that it's a very good way to remember what was going on in my life, as opposed to a diary which i wouldn't be able to read (did i mention i have the worst hand writing?)....and it's cathartic, when i'm having a bad time (which in the last 24 hours seems to be par for the course, sadly)...it's a way of me talking about what i'm feeling, at least to myself...

so i did something pretty stupid lastnight and following my post where i said i was going to go to bed and contemplate, wish i had done just that...instead i got myself worked up into quite a state and did something careless - not sure i regret it, but what it made me realise is that i am still (at times) angry - angry that ben stayed for so long when he didn't want to be here, angry that i didn't ask him to leave sooner, angry that he thought it was ok to stay here when he should have probably left...i'm angry...

and i've thought about going to see my counsellor, but then as i do, i say i'm angry but then don't want to stay with that anger (kind of ironic that the counsellor who suggests her clients stay with their feeling, doesn't really want to stay  with hers...) but seriously, part of me wonders what staying with it will achieve for me? i don't want to be angry or upset and i'm happy to admit when i am, but then will staying there and magnifying how i feel help me move on? not sure, might have to consider that...

what i do know is that under all the anger i am hurt - i opened myself up to ben and a relationship with him and he hurt me repeatedly, and maybe the person i am angry at most is myself, for not having the courage to end things earlier....

soooo i'm a bit sad, a bit angry, i'm hurting and i wish it would go away...sometimes too i wonder that even though i can intellectualise what happened and hope i won't fall into the same patterns again, i wonder how i won't???

soooo back to work now as i have a STACK to do today....