the mean reds...

is kinda how i feel tonight...and i could say i'm not sure why i'm feeling flat, but that wouldn't be entirely honest...

see i realised today that for the last few days i've been feeling as though i've missed someone's birthday, and this morning as i was about to leave the house i realised that i have...evan...evan is ben's nephew and he turns 2 this week and it made me realise that one of the things i really miss about being with ben (maybe anyone, maybe not just ben) is being part of a family...and of course i am part of a family too, but ben's family are here in sydney so we got to spend a bit more time with them...and of course they weren't part of our day to day life, but we did see them from time to time, and of course other than ben, my favourite two people in his family were evan and his nana...

and now i don't get to see them at all...so sure, i have family and i love them, and i see them as often as i want to travel, but what i realised is that i don't have a family of my own...not even sure a family of my own means kids, but it does mean someone to share my life with and someone to come home to....and i'm not sure i want kids, never really have been, but as time goes on and it becomes less of a possibility, i guess i'm starting to wonder what i might have missed out on...

so tonight i have spent watching my favourite show (eli stone) and trying to not feel so lonely but of course it's such a moving show that invariably i don't get through an episode without tears...and tonight was no exception - you know i really hope that someone like him exists as i just find his compassion so incredibly attractive...

sooo maybe my sadness is exacerbated by my eli stone addiction, or maybe it's not....

all i know is tonight is a night i would love to have someone here to hold me and tell me it's all gonna be alright...

sometimes i wonder if it's ever going to happen for me - of course i have no reason to believe it won't, but some days it just feels like it may never...

so i'm going to crawl into bed now and just contemplate, and hopefully i will wake up feeling a little chirpier tomorrow...

nite
xx