i'm sad....

having a kind of mean reds afternoon and i'm not entirely sure what has brought it on.....so bear with me as i go through some of the things that have happened since i last posted and perhaps i'll be able to tap into it:

• my stomach is not good....struggling with that and looking forward (how sad is that) to having my live blood test done this week and then seeing a new Dr who's also a naturopath next Saturday (and this isn't because i don't like my current GP, just that this Dr comes highly recommended)
• time of the month stuff currently so that will no doubt be contributing to both my mental and physical state
• i heard that a friend got engaged today, and don't get me wrong as I am incredibly HAPPY for her and she deserves this, but it serves as a reminder that i am, in fact, single...which on the weekend didn't feel like a problem, and it's really not, but in my current state of physical and emotional being, i guess i am vulnerable to the odd human emotion (kidding - i have a stack of human emotions all of the time...they are just heightened now and perhaps a little irrational!)
• i had some contact with Ben in the last 24 hours (I initiated) and i asked him what he had planned for Friday (it's his birthday Friday) and he said nothing, why? and when i reminded him it was his birthday he said 'oh really, another year down the drain'....guess that makes me sad on so many levels! firstly, his complete and utter disregard for birthday's - i found this hard when we were together as i so love birthdays....it reminded me of how awful my last birthday was, it reminded me that for the last 2 of his birthdays we have gone to balmoral for fish and chips and this year we won't be...it also reminded me that he has such a negative outlook on life and whilst i know that has nothing to do with me and i was not responsible for changing that, it saddens me to know that people (and him in this particular case) just have no energy for live....

soooo i'm sad and i've had a few tearies and i wish i could eat wheat and crap coz i really feel like curling up on the couch and demolishing a packet of biscuits coz seriously i don't reckon i could feel much worse - the acid (which i'm supposedly medicated for) is bad - maybe the medication no longer works and i need different medication? maybe there is something seriously wrong with me (i really hope this is not the case as when i am not feeling so glum i feel in many ways like my life, meaning the one i choose, is only just coming together and starting, so i don't want it be taken away from me now....)

so i'm gonna do what i do when i'm sad....stay with it rather than denying that's how i'm feeling, try and think of the good things in my life and the things i am grateful for, and curl up on the couch and watch something i can escape into....

these are the times when having a partner (a good partner, a partner who cares, a partner who understands when all you need is a hug - no words, no solutions, no 'what's wrong with you'?) would be nice....

soooo bring on tomorrow - coz tomorrow is a NEW day and things always do get better :-)