a bit flat...

that's how i feel today....didn't sleep well, again! sooo much to think about...still feeling a bit of the sadness that was saturday night...

you know it's funny, funny that our feelings can change so dramatically from one moment/hour to the next, funny that when we are busy we just keep going through life and not paying attention to stuff, and there's a part of me that wonders if that is better (of course the therapist in me knows it's not....but when i have time on my hands and it co-incides with a flat/sad sort of a day, then i wonder if it wouldn't be nicer to be so busy i don't have time to mull things over)....

sooo today has been kinda interesting....woke up late but that's coz i didn't go to bed until nearly 2am - finally managed to get my best friend on skype (she's in perth) and we talked till nearly 1am....so by the time i finally crawled into bed, i wasn't in fact tired....

coupled with the myriad of things flying around my head - some business - some personal - i found it hard to get to sleep and when i woke just before 9am i felt exhausted...

soo i eventually dragged myself out of bed, had some tea and breakfast and then went for a beautiful walk in the sun - sunny winter days in Sydney are pretty much the perfect way to make me remember how much i love life and just how the simple things (blue sky and sunlight) and just how much some days they are enough...

so then i came home, did some work/research, spoke to a good friend who's just returned from a trip, went to the post office, did some food shopping and then came home, and you know what, now i feel sad...

funny, the times of day that i found the hardest immediately after the breakup are still the same times of day i find it hard...but of course i am often tired at these times (like first thing in the morning and as the evening progresses) and now of course i am cold too, which i have never liked...

and honestly even though a cup of tea usually helps me feel better, tonight i just wish there was someone here with me, someone to share my cup of tea with and to talk over my day....

i think we humans are made for companionship and so consequently there are times when the loneliness is palpable for me....today is one of those days.....and i haven't had the luxury of having to run around like a blue arsed fly - in fact, quite the opposite, i had a day to myself where i could do some much needed thinking about my business and where i want it to go...but all of that, coupled with the last few days, seems to have taken it's toll and i just feel sad and lonely and wondering if it will change...

i feel a bit like kathleen kelly in you've got mail - just after she's had to sell her shop and of course nothing as momentous as that has happened in my life, but that's the image that's coming into my head...actually she is sad as selling the shop makes her miss her mum and i guess i feel as though i'm missing someone too - not my mum (although it's always nice to see her and have her here) and maybe not anyone in particular, maybe it's just the idea of someone that i'm missing, but i am missing someone...

sooooo i'm going to treat myself to an evening on the couch, another cup of tea and then some of my mum's home made potato and leak soup...after that maybe i'll have some chocolate...and hopefully a good nights sleep will ensue and a better day tomorrow....