this was the title of my last email to the german - and i haven't mentioned him too much as i don't really want to start thinking that there could actually be something going on...
firstly, he's german! and lives in germany!
secondly, he's married, and of course i have no idea if he is happily married, but i can only guess with some of the emails i am getting, maybe he's not....but i am drawing no concrete conclusions as i fear that may get me into trouble
but i have to confess, his emails are beautiful (despite english being his second language) and they make me smile, but lastnight as i read his latest instalment (titled 'we have a lot in common') i remembered a buddhist belief (he also favours a buddhist way of thinking about things....), namely that we cannot rely on external objects/things/events to bring us lasting happiness....
so does this mean the fleeting happiness of his emails, and how i feel when i see his name in my inbox, is not happiness? no, of course it is, but it's not lasting...
and i am really starting to believe that - see since late Jan i was attending (have been slack since returning home from my trip and haven't gone back yet) mediation classes and not only do you do meditations in class but you learn about buddhist philosophy and ideals - and they have been constantly trying to teach us that lasting happiness comes only from within...
well you know what? i think i am TRULY starting to get that! and don't get me wrong, this man, who's name i can't mention, is beautiful to me on so many levels that had he not been married, things might be very different....but then again, i am starting to see that his situation is really not going to have any lasting impact on my happiness....mmmm and as i'm typing that i am questioning if that is so....
soooo i'm going to crawl into bed and ponder on that and see what i come up with...
oh, and he recommended some Hermann Hesse poetry for me to read and upon searching and reading through quite a few, i found this, which i simply love:
How Heavy The Days by Hermann Hesse
How heavy the days are.
There's not a fire that can warm me,
Not a sun to laugh with me,
Everything bare,
Everything cold and merciless,
And even the beloved, clear
Stars look desolately down,
Since I learned in my heart that
Love can die.
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