vindication...

i'm pretty sure that's the word that best fits what happened to me on friday...

see in january 2009, after many many months of indecision and fear, i decided to move on from my therapist...couple of reasons, and i am gonna talk about them here - i won't name her, but i'm gonna talk about them, and for 2 reasons! firstly, as a recently qualified therapist i'm certain she did the wrong thing and secondly, it was my experience, and as such, me not talking about it or pretending it didn't happen the way i experienced it, is, quite simply, denial!

sooo there was a time in my therapy when i was thinking about how comfortable i was with the fact that i may never have children...we got into a discussion and knowing that my therapist had step children, when she asked me a pointed question and i actually challenged her, she replied 'i gave birth to a stillborn daughter'....

bit of a clanger really! and even though i absolutely agree that at times, disclosure by the therapist, can be appropriate, in NO way does this fall into that category...

so, the other thing is that i invited her to my 40th (and sure there were plenty of raised eyebrows when i did) - but if i guess her beliefs around boundaries and dual relationship are different to mine (now, that is, coz I invited her after all) - she accepted and came, which at the time didn't seem like an issue - in fact i was pleased she had coz she and i had (previously) done some great work which really helped me...but imagine my horror then when at our first session immed after my party, she starts effectively analysing my mum - out of order or what?

soooo shortly after that i emailed her telling her i needed a break and she came back with an response that simply made me feel i needed to explain....did i also mention (and i'm a bit torn about this...) that she had very serious health issues and often would not be able to breathe properly in our sessions...so you can imagine that and the 'still born baby' comment do not exactly set up a fantastic therapeutic relationship and in fact, i felt for some time that i couldn't bring 'anything new' to the therapy and as such, it just wasn't working for me...

sure i stayed too long - that's one of my issues - i usually do! or perhaps did...

sooooo long story short - i've been feeling like i wanted 'closure' on the relatinship with her and in some ways wanted to explain (methinks i need to get over this need to explain myself, but it's a lifelong pattern and not easy to just sweep aside...) so i invited her to coffee...that was friday morning just gone...

so it's ok, we chat, she doesn't look well - tells me she's not (which saddens me - in fact that is the issue i felt torn above - she's sick but wants to still practice because she loves it, but a part of me wonders if it's ethical to do so when she is clearly drug affected) - anyway, who am i to deny her a job she loves?

so i tell her about what's been going on for me (and of course there is a lot when i reflect) and after telling her about ben, she says 'so you haven't decided you never want to be with anyone again?' - judgemental or what?

soooo vindication for why i left happened on friday, and whislt there was good therapy along the way, there wasn't a recognition of boundaries at the end, and certainly i didn't feel at the centre of the therapeutic relationship....

sooo something i feared for ages, has actually brought me a lot of peace....i'm just glad that is one relationship i left when i did, and wishing i'd left it earlier wouldn't change anything, but seeing it now for what it was then, is enormously beneficial for me....