i find it really hard to start the day with a smile when it's cold and wet outside...guess that's not a huge surprise - it probably happens to a lot of people - in fact i know it does! there is a disorder known as SAD (seasonal affective disorder), obviously more prevalent in the northern hemisphere and is thought to be related to the amount of light available to us....
anyway, i digress! i'm sad this morning and for a number of reasons - so Sunday afternoon i ran into my neighbour, who to be honest, is a negative and sad person (i don't say this meanly, but it's my experience of her and i've known her for over 6 years so this is no snap judgement) - she told me that she felt as she got older and less attractive men wouldn't be interested in her.....so of course this conversation manifests in my dream that night as ben (my ex) telling me that he no longer found me attractive - not a great way to start my monday really....and even though i don't believe that, there is, of course, a human and small part of me that wondered as we were growing apart if this were so....
sooo then i actually had a good day - got heaps done, finished my assignments before meditation so could go and enjoy that (which was not as good as it had been previously - change in teacher, even though i like the new teacher, she's not wayne, and only 4 people - felt kinda weird), then came home and having accidentally seen the football score, decided not to watch the game i had recorded....but did have the tv on long enough to see the cutest puppy and it just made me sad...
see when ben and i were together one of the things we used to talk about was getting a house and then a dog - he had always had dogs growing up and whilst i hadn't i was really keen to get a dog too - probably more the house with a garden, but i was absolutely ok with getting a dog...
and seeing the dog on tv just made me realise that that isn't gonna be my reality for some time to come, if at all...and of course that made me feel sad...how could it not?
soooo i suspect today is going to be a sombre old day, which is not necessarily a bad thing.....
and then of course i find out that ben's mum is really sick (she has throat cancer) and that makes me sad too - sure i'm no longer part of their family, but i was for nearly 2 years, and so my feelings for them haven't just dissipated....so universe if you are listening, please help cheryl get better soon....
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