interesting session with

my therapist yesterday - see during the week I posted about something in a very cryptic way - well basically it was this: i met a guy at  function the other week, he seemed nice enough, asked for my number and we agreed to go out lastnight, but i remeber he was quite short...

so of course i beat myself up all week about whether i should go through with it, simply because my IDEAL man is taller than me by a minimum of 4 - 5cm - and it turns out that this is not simply so that i can wear the many pairs of heels i have accumulated over the years, but because i think that my IDEAL man will be bigger and stronger than me because in some way i want his protection...

so of course i felt bad about this - meaning 'how can i write off a bloke because he's not tall (in this case he was in point of fact only 1cm taller than me, way skinnier and i simply felt big and unfeminine around him when i met him the 2nd time - the first time at least he had a suit on so had the appearnce of looking slightly bigger) - i have beaten myself up about what this IDEAL looks like which is kinda funny because when i consider this person, and i want for non physical traits like compassion, success and drive etc, that's seems ok, but for some reason when I think about the physical aspect of 'the list' it makes me judge myself and feel bad...

so an interesting session at therapy yesterday where all of this came tumbling out - not quite as articulately as the above...

interesting though that i have woken up today feeling a number of things: firstly, a bit fuzzy after 2 drinks lastnight (it's been a while since i had any alcohol sooo am feeling it today), secondly a bit disconcerted after 2 dreams where i was still with Ben and thirdly that i don't need to defend or justify what I want in a man...

and as my therapist pointed out to me - to go with my intuition because it's there, and not let the fear of old patterns creeping in quell it!

sooo let's see how it go with that...

the good thing is that despite what was a bad relationship with ben in the end, and despite me being so terribly hurt and feeling like i'd never get over it, i can now see my way to meeting someone else and being with someone else......eventually!