eli stone just makes me cry...

yep, i know i know, it's only a tv show, but it makes me cry! so i just watched episode 3 and i have now cried in all 3 shows....

and i'm sad - this one was particularly sad as he broke up with his fiancee because of his aneurysm...and whilst there weren't any similarities like that with my relationship (or break up) with ben, it makes me sad....

so i've sat in the lounge and let the tears flow - there's something cathartic in letting them flow rather than trying to catch them in a tissue....

you know it's nearly been 4 months and sometimes i am still overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and missing him - there are times when i wonder if it's ever going to pass - of course, the 'thinking' part of me knows that of course, in time, it will, but right now it feels like that time is still a long way off...

and i can't really articulate why i'm sad - i'm not sure if it's because i feel alone, because i've had a really difficult week and even though i am more than happy with the outcomes and my decisions, it has taken it's toll, i'm not sure if it's coz i know his mum is really sick and i worry about how he is coping with all that, i'm not sure if it's because i worry about him (not in an obsessive worry way but in the way that you worry about someone and their happiness when they are a big part of your life) and wonder if he'll be ok....

so much about our relationship didn't work in the end, but the child like connection we had is the bit i still find hard to let go of.....

grieving is such a crappy process when you are living it....so few things really make it better, and in fact, i am certain that only time and distnace allows us to be able to incorporate the loss into who we become - it's funny coz i've never liked the expression 'get over him'....how do you 'get over' someone who you spent nearly every day with for 2 years and at some point thought you would be with forever...sure, it sounds cliched and like some romantic notion but i did think we would be together forever...

so it comes as a rude shock (and even though we've been broken up for nearly 4 months, and even though it's been 114 (yep i added them up) days since i have seen ben, i still miss some things and the reality of my life without him sometimes comes up and hits me in the face...

so lastnight it was a puppy on tv, and tonight it's eli breaking up with his fiancee....

i wonder what it will be tomorrow?