already gone...

so i'm on a roll tonight....another of kelly's songs...doesn't sound as much like me as it does like ben....see for months before we broke up i knew it wasn't working and that it probably wouldn't, no matter what i did or tried, and i tried believe me - it consumed me entirely in the last few months....

so you see, he was 'already gone'....kinda sad he didn't have the balls to walk away when he knew this - and i have no doubt that he loved me, but reality is, i made it easy for him to stay....

i don't know what sort of strength i must have, but in the end, i simply chose me over him...so even though he physically left on 26th jan, before that, and for a long time, he had, sadly been 'already gone'...

makes me sad to think of it in that way, but it's true....

some of the hardest things to deal with have not been him not being here but me feeling responsible for his happiness and wondering (actually, at times, but not lately, obsessing) how he is if i'm not there to look after him...kinda doesn't sound very healthy and truth is, it probably wasn't....not having a 24/7 helpdesk (that sucks but i'm starting to make inroads there), having to empty the dishwasher (this was one of the jobs ben did and i'm really not enjoying doing it!) - this week it took me until i ran out of teaspoons to finally empty it, exercising on my own again (although i'm pleased to say that has finally been remedied it has been a long and lazy 3 months), my cup of tea in bed each day although i make my own and take it back to bed so i'm getting used to that...reality is, that we get used to just about anything, in time....

so what i'm hoping for is now that i have almost (and i say almost, coz there are the odd occasion when i'm really not used to it at all) gotten used to being single again, my mr right will turn up and throw my world upside down again!

ok, am getting off the soapbox now - feels as though i've written heaps tonight - another very good form of catharsis...methinks i'm gonna enrol in some writing courses for when i get back from my trip!

nite xx