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until i fly out...i cannot believe how much i have done in the last few weeks - i have worked harder than i have worked for a LONG time - not to say i've never worked this hard, but it's been so long that i have honestly forgotten what a toll it is on the body and on the mind when you do...
so i think i will collapse when i get on the plane on wednesday...and if i don't then i'll have my list of movies to watch so that i can fill up the 20 odd hours or so of flying time.....
it's been a very busy last week or so and the highlight would have to be seeing the blues beat the eagles yesterday, at the dome, with my dad and my nephew - da da da da da...daniel is such a good kid and he amazed me yesterday with just how much he knows about footy! he's only 8 (nearly 9) and of course has loved it for ages, and has been playing auskick and now for the local under 9's, but he knows so much - it'll be good when i get old and forget, as he'll be able to remind me! gotta love seeing the blue boys win when we are there and can sing the song live!
ok, so now it's off to bed - i have 3 work related things left to do before i go (2 emails and 1 interview), the rest is just stuff to make sure i have everything i need whilst on the trip, and of course there's no real pressure to get that stuff (other than the epi pen) as i can buy it when i get there in need..
coupla things i have to do though are:
- decide which show/(s) to go and see whilst in nyc
- decide which pandora charm to buy for my friend
- get her a copy of the aussie magazine she's asked for
- email the friends to let them know the dates of the trip so none of them worry about me when they don't hear back from me for weeks on end (especially as usually they can rely on my to be very prompt!)
and i think that's about it...
so i'm off to bed now - i'm exhausted and really not looking forward to a very long drive tomorrow morning but a 30 minute interview...
oh well...
nite
xx
if i'm ever gonna feel ok about how things with ben panned out...
i just stumbled across my first email to him following our break up (coz there were lots of things we didn't say to each other on the day) and it made me feel so sad...
so i sat here and had a cry (what else is there to do really?)....and i guess i feel a bit better, but you know what? even though things weren't right and i couldn't have the sort of life/relationship i wanted with ben, i still miss him...sure i don't spend every minute of every day thinking about him anymore, and there are some days when i get a long way through the day before he even enters my head, but sometimes there are just too many reminders of him and what we had together (at some point)....
soooo i hope that the upcoming holiday will really do the trick - and i don't see it as any sort of 'cure all' but it sure will be nice to go away, spend time with people i love in places i love and just focus on me...magnolia bakery here i come! jersey garden mall here i come...magnificent mile here i come! etc etc...
i said to one of my clients yesterday that i really hate the term 'get over' someone...seriously, how is that actually possible - especially when they have meant so much to us at some point previously?
so for me, i think it's a case of how do we integrate what they were to us but move on without them, rather than 'get over them'....
sooo, i'm going to sign off now as i really need to get into this assignment - i finally got all my papers for the trip together (you know tickets, itineraries, bookings etc) so one less thing to do now....
have a good nite
xx
yep, this post number 401! amazing, that in 28 months, that's an average of 14 per month, which is certainly not as good as i had anticipated when i started, but still, some 2.5 years down the track i am in fact still blogging, which i guess means that it is now a habit!
it's been a good day really, although i am starting to feel really exhausted and a little bit overwhelmed by all of the things i need to get done between now and when i go - having said that, i made great progress today on my assessments, and think i will be able to knock it off before i get on the plane...wouldn't that be nice - to know that there was nothing more i could have done...
so had a couple of amazing coaching sessions today - and i tend not to talk about my work here, but seriously 2 of the sessions i had today are the reason i love coaching and why for years, i have wanted to actually work (live actually) as a coach...
so with one of my newer clients we just seemed to click today (sometimes this can take a while to occur) and had a great session - one where he was able to see things in a really diferent perspective and to use his knowledge of himself to help him find better outcomes in certain situations
and another of my more regular clients is just making the most amazing progress in his journey - in this regard, i am just thrilled to be a part of this with him - i hesitate to use the word transformation, but what i saw today was a different person to the person i met in november...good on him!
i am tired though so i think i'm going to take myself and my heat pack to bed as i have another big day tomorrow - although at least i'm having my hair done which is always a great way to pass a couple of hours!
nite
xx
just realised that today marks 4 months since ben and i broke up and i even thought to myself yesterday, i wonder when i will stop making everything relative to when we broke up? guess it's been ok the last month of so - i'm certainly getting on with life (of course, what is the alternative really?), and i miss him less frequently, and bar the odd bad day (of which there were a few during the last month, mostly as a result of me having a bad day in the work space, making it difficult to come home and find no-one here to talk to) i am feeling better i guess...
i still miss him, i still think about him, i often wonder how he is and i still care - probably always will....but that heartbroken, broken, sad person has gone for the most part...occasionally (and this isn't good) she is replaced with a person who's angry at the world, but i think that's more a function of some of the other stuff that's been going on (see sometimes walking away with your head held high)....
i think my holiday is gonna be good - sad in parts (mainly at yankee stadium as i only started watching baseball with ben) but mainly good - seeing people i love and who love me - going to places i love and doing stuff i love...and flying business class (how much do you reckon i am looking forward to a flat bed???)....can't be all bad right?
and of course there will be paris - a conference in paris - how decadent does that sound?
soooo 4 months on and it is getting better....
and happy birthday to my grandma and my dear friend p.a. xxxxx
i'll be on a plane (in business class no less!) somewhere between Sydney and LA....
i can't believe it's only a week until i leave - i have soooooooooo much to do between now and then, i'm beginning to wonder how i'm going to fit it all in!
had a great day today - went to see a good friend deliver day 2 of her 4 day program, and really enjoyed it - she did a great job, i remembered how great the materials were (i will be delivering this program at some point) and met some interesting people...
have a couple of big deliverables (oh my god, now i sound like i work for a big bank!) before i leave and they are self imposed deadlines (that's the beauty of working for oneself) but if i let them slide, i know i will spend a lot of the early stages of my trip thinking i should have made time to do them, so i am madly busy trying to finish everything...
so some of the things i need to do before i go are this:
- finalise some currency
- work out what the hell i want to take (clothes, shoes etc)
- get prescription medication
- have hair done (booked in for friday)
- get pedicure (maybe saturday)
- tidy pigsty of a house before my mum gets here
- have 2 interviews (one in lucas heights, wherever the fuck that is)
- complete assignments and have phone interview with assessor
- have 5 coaching sessions with existing clients before i go
- go to melbourne on sunday to take my dad and nephew to the footy
- write a proposal/profile to send to a partner in a big consulting firm
- go to meditation on monday night (by then i'm really gonna need it)
- get all travel documents together (currently they are strewn all around the study)
- ring tax office to let them know i won't be here when my tax bill is due (i'm not keen to let them have the money early as it's a MASSIVE amount of money i have to pay them)
- ring a couple of my best friends to say au revoir
oh my god - no wonder i am feeling stressed - how am i ever going to get all of that done?
oh well, bedtime now as i've done some of my assessments so at least i've made a start....
nite
xx
i can't believe that it has been only 10 days since i decided to walk away from a certain person and her business - things really seem to have blossomed since then and i now have no less than 5 opportunities to consider:
a) have been asked to be part of a panel to deliver coaching to a government agency
b) a company who a colleague/friend of mine works for have asked for my details as they are mad busy
c) i have an interview at an RTO on Monday regarding delivering some training for them
d) a partner at a big consulting firm (who I met last year) emailed me today (some 6 weeks after I'd emailed him) and has asked me if I'm interested in being introduced to their 'people' team to assist with some big integration/transformation work
e) an old CFO colleague of mine who i caught up with on Friday might also have some consulting work that he could recommend me for
f) no wait, must be six things, as the same colleague from b) is also going to introduce me to a consulting firm that she does some work for
sooooo it would appear as though whatever 'hole' i thought i would need to fill by not pursuing work with Mandy et al, is no longer a hole....
sooo on other fronts how are things? well i had a lovely weekend in canberra with my parents - sat around drinking tea and playing 500 (a card game), had dinner with family friends, went for a walk both days, did a quick trip to Aldi - a lovely and very relaxing weekend...
i'm still experiencing some residual sadness - probably not helped by the fact that i am so busy and often fall into bed (so i'm tired, meaning less reserves to deal with stuff), and am leaving on my trip next week which is great but in another way sad, as i would have liked to have been going to nyc with ben (even though that never seemed a reality), i'm going to see my grandmother but my grandfather won't be there - for the first time in my life i'm going to northallerton (where they live) and he won't be there - not sure how that's going to go really...
so it's up and down! and will probably continue to be so for a little while, but this time next week i'll be madly rushing around making sure i have everything i need for the trip....
ok, bedtime now!
nite
xx
which is what i did lastnight...i just feel really really sad the last few days - not sure if it's hormonal, or coz i have in fact had a difficult few days or because i'm getting close to my trip so am mad busy...
when things don't quite go to plan though, that is when i really really notice that i'm single - of course i notice plenty of other times too, and sometimes even in a good way, but when things are difficult it's hard to deal with them all by yourself, and not because i can't handle things by myself, but because sometimes it's nice to know that someone is actually on your side...
guess the events of friday (even though i am happy with the outcome) have really highlighted that to me and i'm still feeling a bit vulnerable and a bit lonely....
anyway, having some tea and some nice biscuits to dip in my tea....perhaps some ncis la (meaning i get to watch chris o'donnell for an hour - yum)....and then i need to get stuck into my assignments!
ciao....
yep, i know i know, it's only a tv show, but it makes me cry! so i just watched episode 3 and i have now cried in all 3 shows....
and i'm sad - this one was particularly sad as he broke up with his fiancee because of his aneurysm...and whilst there weren't any similarities like that with my relationship (or break up) with ben, it makes me sad....
so i've sat in the lounge and let the tears flow - there's something cathartic in letting them flow rather than trying to catch them in a tissue....
you know it's nearly been 4 months and sometimes i am still overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and missing him - there are times when i wonder if it's ever going to pass - of course, the 'thinking' part of me knows that of course, in time, it will, but right now it feels like that time is still a long way off...
and i can't really articulate why i'm sad - i'm not sure if it's because i feel alone, because i've had a really difficult week and even though i am more than happy with the outcomes and my decisions, it has taken it's toll, i'm not sure if it's coz i know his mum is really sick and i worry about how he is coping with all that, i'm not sure if it's because i worry about him (not in an obsessive worry way but in the way that you worry about someone and their happiness when they are a big part of your life) and wonder if he'll be ok....
so much about our relationship didn't work in the end, but the child like connection we had is the bit i still find hard to let go of.....
grieving is such a crappy process when you are living it....so few things really make it better, and in fact, i am certain that only time and distnace allows us to be able to incorporate the loss into who we become - it's funny coz i've never liked the expression 'get over him'....how do you 'get over' someone who you spent nearly every day with for 2 years and at some point thought you would be with forever...sure, it sounds cliched and like some romantic notion but i did think we would be together forever...
so it comes as a rude shock (and even though we've been broken up for nearly 4 months, and even though it's been 114 (yep i added them up) days since i have seen ben, i still miss some things and the reality of my life without him sometimes comes up and hits me in the face...
so lastnight it was a puppy on tv, and tonight it's eli breaking up with his fiancee....
i wonder what it will be tomorrow?
today i mean! didn't end up quite as sombre as it started...
so the rain didn't stop all day, but by 9.30am i was somewhat out of my funk having thrown myself into work...i had a telconference at 10am with a woman who's doing a Masters and she wanted to ask coaches if they think they need counselling training - interesting! nice lady, had a great chat, will look forward to meeting her for lunch some time...
then did some more work, had a chat with my new business partner, then had lunch and went to supervision - which was great! got to debrief friday and yet another person just cannot believe the behaviour of a certain so called 'courageous leader'....then came home, did my 40 minutes on the treadmill, did a bit more work...
but there were a few highlights in the day:
- one of my clients shared with me some of his good news (a real testament to just how valued he is at work)
- another client shared with me some of his good news (turns out he has been asked to lead a big and possibly global project)
- a former colleague asked me if i would meet up with him to chat - turns out he's left the 'former employer' and is looking to find his passion!
- one of my coaching clients sent me through a testimonial for the website - which is just great, thank you!
sooooo it hasn't all been bad, but i am still feeling a bit off - could be the weather, could be i'm tired, could be that the reality of being on my own isn't much fun somedays! but tomorrow should be better as i'm going out for lunch with my best friend and then to parramatta (yes you read it correctly) to present parts 2 and 3 of my certificate iv - only one more part to go and i'll be done.....
soooo am off to bed now and at least i feel a wee wee bit happier than i did when i woke up
nite
xx
i find it really hard to start the day with a smile when it's cold and wet outside...guess that's not a huge surprise - it probably happens to a lot of people - in fact i know it does! there is a disorder known as SAD (seasonal affective disorder), obviously more prevalent in the northern hemisphere and is thought to be related to the amount of light available to us....
anyway, i digress! i'm sad this morning and for a number of reasons - so Sunday afternoon i ran into my neighbour, who to be honest, is a negative and sad person (i don't say this meanly, but it's my experience of her and i've known her for over 6 years so this is no snap judgement) - she told me that she felt as she got older and less attractive men wouldn't be interested in her.....so of course this conversation manifests in my dream that night as ben (my ex) telling me that he no longer found me attractive - not a great way to start my monday really....and even though i don't believe that, there is, of course, a human and small part of me that wondered as we were growing apart if this were so....
sooo then i actually had a good day - got heaps done, finished my assignments before meditation so could go and enjoy that (which was not as good as it had been previously - change in teacher, even though i like the new teacher, she's not wayne, and only 4 people - felt kinda weird), then came home and having accidentally seen the football score, decided not to watch the game i had recorded....but did have the tv on long enough to see the cutest puppy and it just made me sad...
see when ben and i were together one of the things we used to talk about was getting a house and then a dog - he had always had dogs growing up and whilst i hadn't i was really keen to get a dog too - probably more the house with a garden, but i was absolutely ok with getting a dog...
and seeing the dog on tv just made me realise that that isn't gonna be my reality for some time to come, if at all...and of course that made me feel sad...how could it not?
soooo i suspect today is going to be a sombre old day, which is not necessarily a bad thing.....
and then of course i find out that ben's mum is really sick (she has throat cancer) and that makes me sad too - sure i'm no longer part of their family, but i was for nearly 2 years, and so my feelings for them haven't just dissipated....so universe if you are listening, please help cheryl get better soon....
productive i can be! sooo i woke up early today - and by early i mean way before i had intended to get up....so having made a cup of tea and crawled back into bed, i found i couldn't get back to sleep! so i got up after having done a few anagrams on my nintendo ds lite crossword game - figure it's good to keep my brain active - and this is what i got done today:
- 4 loads of washing (2 of which are sadly still on the line coz i forget, and it's rained...)
- went for a 45 minute walk
- had a shower and finally shaved my legs!
- did most of my assignment that's due tomorrow
- stripped the bed and put on clean sheets (my favourite french bought doona cover)
- listened to Carlton beat Port on the radio
- did a small food shop (basically i ran out of milk so had to, unless i was prepared to enter 'tea withdrawal'...I was not!
- made myself a mushroom, spinach and cheese omelette (nice....)
- watched the replay of the Carlton game
- rang my Dad and nephew to sing the song
- had a chat to my best friend and arranged to meet up Wednesday
- had tea with another good friend, the one who did the drop in!
- wrote 2 blog posts (including this one)
- sorted out some clothes and put aside a whole lot of SES multiples for another best friend!
- realised i had run out of coco pops when i went for a pre bed treat :-(
soooo i got an amazing amount done really - sometimes I even surprise myself!
nite xx
you either love it or you hate it! right??
and i think that pretty much how you feel about the drop in as an adult is determined by how your parents viewed it...for the most part
so i'm pretty much (and i really need to think about this...) in the 'i don't really like the drop in' camp...and of course, most of my friends and family know this - how could they not - i'm also in the 'don't call me before 9am unless you are dying' camp....what this amounts to is that i'm usually pretty clear with what i like and don't like...it works for me! (most of the time...)
so imagine my surprise today when i am half way through stripping the bed and listening to my afl team on the radio (thru the computer because foxtel can't get their act together and play it live) when my buzzer goes!
my first reaction is 'who would be buzzing' followed very quickly by 'whoever it is they probably just hit the wrong number by accident' so i put on my nicest smiley face as i say 'hello?'...
turns out it's one of my oldest and dearest friends - one who KNOWS i do not like the drop in, but did it anyway...hilarious!
sooo turns out that in fact, i don't hate the drop in, especially not when i get to see an old friend i wasn't expecting to see today :-)
however, this is not a free for all - this does not mean that all of my friends can now randomly drop in! but today, it was a really nice surprise :-)
is absolutely, far and away, the ONLY thing to do....
so following my post of yesterday i have thought long and hard about this - i have tried to weigh up all the angles, practical, emotional energy, value alignment, commercial aspects etc and you know what? honestly, when i weigh them all up, NO amount of money is worth the emotional toll that yesterday took on me, and not just yesterday...
see this person, the very same person i'd had on that pedestal, stooped to a personal attack on me yesterday when earlier in the day she had told me that it was possible NEVER to judge someone....guess she proved herself wrong...
sooo sure there is a wee bit of disappointment, and i'd be lying if i said there wasn't any fear around how to fill the financial gap this may have been, but mostly there is just relief and a sense of not having to work with someone who perhaps isn't really who she claims to be, but most of all, who doesn't value me for me, and for the record that me is an INFJ....
soo the weight has been lifted, the door is now open and I have no excuse but to get out there and follow my dream - my own dream, not someone else's - and for this particular dream, i can certainly be 'all in'...
nite xxx
as i said to ben in a text tonight i actually wish i felt like someone was on my side...i have done things on my own for so much of my life that occasionally i wish there was someone backing me up, someone there for me unconditionally...i can't really imagine what it would be like...guess i'd like to find out one day...
something else that really hurt my feeings today, other than the stuff from the 'previous pedestal' person, was that someone else happend to suggest to me just how much harder it must be for me now that i no longer have a partner...nice! yeah just what you want to hear when you've been 'beaten up' and 'judged' whenever you have contributed (even though the contribution was asked for)....
sooo i'm gonna go to bed sad, lonely and wondering when it will get better (when rather than if, coz i know it will get better - it always does)...and wondering if i am doing anything that is attracting this stuff? guess i could be, but universe if you are listening, then i really just want things to come into my life that will allow me to do the sort of work i want to do - namely to help people live happier and more fulfilling lives...
sooo i hope that my readers are much happier than i am tonight, and may tomorrow be a better day :-)
in people...you know when you meet someone, think they are great, put them on a pedestal? sure, you've done this right? well in my experience i find that most times they end up finding a very ungraceful way to take themselves off that pedestal...
so today was one of those days - and i'm absolutely partially responsible! see i didn't really want to go and actually, if i'd listened to that, today perhaps might not have gone like it did....on the other hand, the business/practical/thinking side of me, over ruled....
it's even worse when the person you have on this pedestal, in their dismount from said pedestal, actually says something that is not only completely inappropriate, but amounts to a personal attack and, wait for it, judgement! something that earlier in the day they had maintained that it was possible to strive to avoid....
soooo the day was draining - not only did it require a lot for me to be there (emotionally and otherwise) but i think that there may just be too many differences, and so i'm left wondering what it will mean for me...
i guess time will tell!
following the weekend, but i am feeling very negative today...i find myself wondering if the business is actually going to be successful (and of course, it's early days and there is a LONG way to go) but i am just disappointed sometimes...
see people say they'll do something, then they don't...i get my hopes up (sometimes, although i am getting better at this) and then i'm disappointed....
one particular said he put me forward for a coaching assignment and i had to chase him up to find out what was happening and now he says that they've gone with someone else - which of course is fine, but why couldn't he tell me that???
turns out when you run your own business that in fact, sadly, a lot of people don't do what they say they are going to do - guess that's one way i am different!
soooo i'm feeling pretty flat - i have something on tomorrow that i'm not sure is going to be the best use of my time, i'm finding it hard to generate positive thoughts about where the business will go, and i am just sad....
would be easy...but no, actually i find it pretty hard - guess it's a function of having had someone around for nearly 2 years who i put first - and not that i necessarily think that was a good thing - in fact i don't, but now that it's just me, it's hard sometimes...
but i had a bit of a realisation today, whilst talking to a friend: i think that the reason i have kept so busy and up until last week, made some feeble attempts at 'getting out there' again, were simply to avoid focussing on me and what i am experiencing...
mmm sound interesting? well yes but i think there is something in that...namely that the reason for going looking for a distraction (of sorts) was simply to avoid spending time focussing on myself and seriously, for me to be in this situation, the universe must have a lesson in store for me! sooooo i think i've learned a stack about myself already, but perhaps if i simply focus on me, the things i love, hanging out with my friends and family, the business etc, maybe just maybe i will re-discover what it is to be truly happy and then, maybe just maybe, what i'm looking for will arrive??
sounds kinda simple and perhaps cliched and maybe even a bit far fetched, but maybe the lesson was simply to allow myself to actually put myself first and to be clear (crystal) on what it is that i really want...
so maybe it would be a good time to make that list!
blues beat saints by 61 points - haven't beaten them since 2001 and from the get go it was never in doubt...
nice way to end a sad few days for me...
good decision to defer meditation until tomorrow night!
go blue baggers....da da da da da!
the rollercoaster ride i mean? the sadness? the missing ben? the wondering what might have been (actually i haven't done a lot of that...but when i have consecutive days of feeling down, i wonder what it might have been like if i hadn't ended things...well i'm pretty sure i know how it would have been, but for some reason i think my mind sometimes tricks me into remembering only the good stuff...as if some of the less good stuff, and at times, bad stuff, didn't happen...
i remember close to the end whilst in the shower, the door fell off, which made a lot of noise and despite me trying (unsuccessfully) to get it back on, ben didn't even come and see if things were ok - this was a common occurence - i basically had to look after myself, and you know what: when i'm in a relationship i want someone to look out for me - like i do for them - is that too much to ask? really, is it? well, i'm gonna answer that myself - no it's bloody well not!
soooo even though cognitively i know i've made the right decison, my heart and mind sometimes trip me up - so my question is simply this: when is that gonna end?
i'm pretty sure that's the word that best fits what happened to me on friday...
see in january 2009, after many many months of indecision and fear, i decided to move on from my therapist...couple of reasons, and i am gonna talk about them here - i won't name her, but i'm gonna talk about them, and for 2 reasons! firstly, as a recently qualified therapist i'm certain she did the wrong thing and secondly, it was my experience, and as such, me not talking about it or pretending it didn't happen the way i experienced it, is, quite simply, denial!
sooo there was a time in my therapy when i was thinking about how comfortable i was with the fact that i may never have children...we got into a discussion and knowing that my therapist had step children, when she asked me a pointed question and i actually challenged her, she replied 'i gave birth to a stillborn daughter'....
bit of a clanger really! and even though i absolutely agree that at times, disclosure by the therapist, can be appropriate, in NO way does this fall into that category...
so, the other thing is that i invited her to my 40th (and sure there were plenty of raised eyebrows when i did) - but if i guess her beliefs around boundaries and dual relationship are different to mine (now, that is, coz I invited her after all) - she accepted and came, which at the time didn't seem like an issue - in fact i was pleased she had coz she and i had (previously) done some great work which really helped me...but imagine my horror then when at our first session immed after my party, she starts effectively analysing my mum - out of order or what?
soooo shortly after that i emailed her telling her i needed a break and she came back with an response that simply made me feel i needed to explain....did i also mention (and i'm a bit torn about this...) that she had very serious health issues and often would not be able to breathe properly in our sessions...so you can imagine that and the 'still born baby' comment do not exactly set up a fantastic therapeutic relationship and in fact, i felt for some time that i couldn't bring 'anything new' to the therapy and as such, it just wasn't working for me...
sure i stayed too long - that's one of my issues - i usually do! or perhaps did...
sooooo long story short - i've been feeling like i wanted 'closure' on the relatinship with her and in some ways wanted to explain (methinks i need to get over this need to explain myself, but it's a lifelong pattern and not easy to just sweep aside...) so i invited her to coffee...that was friday morning just gone...
so it's ok, we chat, she doesn't look well - tells me she's not (which saddens me - in fact that is the issue i felt torn above - she's sick but wants to still practice because she loves it, but a part of me wonders if it's ethical to do so when she is clearly drug affected) - anyway, who am i to deny her a job she loves?
so i tell her about what's been going on for me (and of course there is a lot when i reflect) and after telling her about ben, she says 'so you haven't decided you never want to be with anyone again?' - judgemental or what?
soooo vindication for why i left happened on friday, and whislt there was good therapy along the way, there wasn't a recognition of boundaries at the end, and certainly i didn't feel at the centre of the therapeutic relationship....
sooo something i feared for ages, has actually brought me a lot of peace....i'm just glad that is one relationship i left when i did, and wishing i'd left it earlier wouldn't change anything, but seeing it now for what it was then, is enormously beneficial for me....
better than the mixed bag that was friday :-(
sooo i woke up saturday with a cracker headache and despite an ok sleep, feeling pretty sad (i have previously commented how mornings are often the hardest time of the day)...lay around in bed for a while then finally got myself up and took myself for a walk! which in fact was a great thing to do - nice sunny day, even wore short sleeves, and had kelly to listen to along the way...
i was still feeling really sad from friday - just so many things to contend with...just when i got to feeling a wee bit better, i get a text from ben saying he's feeling sad...so we had a few texts during the afternoon whereby he asked me if i wanted to have tea with him - of course it would have been easy to say yes but as i told him, i wasn't sure it was a good idea or how i would go seeing him - see, we haven't seen each other since he left and i'm just not sure how i would feel if i did....
sooo of course we ended up not having tea and i watched footy all evening (which i enjoyed - i usually do!) and crawled into bed and amazingly slept for nearly 9 hours straight - haven't done that for well over a week and even though i still felt a wee bit sad, woke up feeling much more 'together' - guess a good nights sleep is so often under rated! again took myself off for a walk - this time went to crows nest and dropped by shops to pick up some lamb cutlets and some bread - two items i forgot to get whilst food shopping yesterday! watched one of my taped shows only to find out it was the season final - groan!
rest of day has been taken up with a bit of study, finally pulling together the itinerary for the trip (and in doing so realising i had not in fact booked one of my US internal flights...oops), chatting to my sister Laurel (she skyped me...)....
so not all bad, but it's days like today (mothers day) when it is hard - see had ben and i been together still we would have spent the day with his family (if of course we weren't in canberra)...and i toyed with going home to canberra but i just have so much to do before i fly out and honestly, there isn't that much time between now and then...so throughout the day i found my mind often wondering to what ben's family would be doing and where....whatever they did, i hope they had a nice time :-)
one good thing is that i passed my Cert IV assessments meaning that i am only an exit interview phone call away from graduating! woo hoo...sooo only 1 qualification left for me to finish up this year - i think after i finish the next one i'm going to give myself a wee bit of time off from study...since june 2006 i have not had much of a break from study (bar the 3 months between finishing my counselling course and starting the coaching and mbti courses)....so a well earned break methinks...and a great time to get back into my writing...
and now that i have written heaps already i realised that i wanted to blog about something else, but i may do that in another post...
sooo signing off now and when i get inspired to start the next one, watch this space xx
that's what today has been! a mixed bag...so i haven't been sleeping well this week, not really sure what's going on...
my reading yesterday was pretty interesting - quite insightful...she mentioned that there might be lots of tears in times to come, but of course i wasn't expecting them to come today in the middle of a workshop at the happiness conference! luckily i managed to get it under control, but i just felt sad...guess a lot of the discussion (which was great actually - Dr Barbara Fredrickson) was about love and i guess when she asked us to think about someone we love, the first person that came to mind was Ben, and of course, since we are no longer together it just made me sad....
bit of a continuation of yesterday as i ended the day feeling very sad and missing Ben terribly - hadn't happened for a couple of weeks so took me by surprise...
something else i decided on yesterday, which i've probably known all along, but my reading with Petra, kinda just gave me a nudge, was that for the coming months, i should be focussed on myself and my business and not meeting someone...sooooo my feeble attempts in recent weeks have now been put well and truly on the back burner so that i can just focus on me, on getting over Ben, on healing my broken heart....
soooo now it really is all about me and whilst that is great, there is a sadness that goes along with that - i liked considering someone else - of course i think i took it too far with Ben, to my own detriment, but i liked having someone to look out for...just a shame that he didn't look out for me :-(
and of course winter has well and truly arrived which in some ways makes me feel sad too as this is the time of year that Ben and I got together...also realised today, at the happiness conference, which was at the convention centre, that i don't think i've been there since my 2nd date with Ben....so that brought back some memories too....
sooo i think i'm gonna crawl into bed now - my new freshly made bed with the winter doona - and hopefully get a good nights sleep...
nite xx
not a bad day, and in parts, somewhat contemplative...had my first session with a new client, before that a phone call with another client...lunch with two very old friends (from my KPMG days) which was fantastic - great to catch up and reminisce and great to see them both doing so well :-) one of the nicest things in my day was that one of these guys (the one i haven't seen for probably 15 years) said 'you don't look any different' and the other (who I see about every 3 or 4 years) said 'you look a million dollars' so i guess something is working...
then a quick taxi trip, a small panic when i thought i'd left my borrowed pashmina in the restaurant, only to find it on street (must have dropped it when i got out of cab...phew) when i went out a wee bit later, and then a LONG drive to hornsby for my reading...
which was good - she really is good and it was very useful actually and in some ways helped me restore my hope...
and then tonight drinks with a new friend, who i met at the 'social experiment' last week...nice evening but at one point she asked me if she thought i was emotionally ready for a new relationship, and you kno what: i'm absolutely not... and i can't go into it in detail here as i don't want to share stuff about Ben, or my relationship with him, that was deeply personal, but suffice it to say, there was something about our relationship and my love for him, that i wonder how i'm ever going to move on from...
no doubt, in time, i will, but right now, it's still quite fresh, and soooo i have decided to cease all 'getting out there' activities and focus on me and my business...
so i'm on a roll tonight....another of kelly's songs...doesn't sound as much like me as it does like ben....see for months before we broke up i knew it wasn't working and that it probably wouldn't, no matter what i did or tried, and i tried believe me - it consumed me entirely in the last few months....
so you see, he was 'already gone'....kinda sad he didn't have the balls to walk away when he knew this - and i have no doubt that he loved me, but reality is, i made it easy for him to stay....
i don't know what sort of strength i must have, but in the end, i simply chose me over him...so even though he physically left on 26th jan, before that, and for a long time, he had, sadly been 'already gone'...
makes me sad to think of it in that way, but it's true....
some of the hardest things to deal with have not been him not being here but me feeling responsible for his happiness and wondering (actually, at times, but not lately, obsessing) how he is if i'm not there to look after him...kinda doesn't sound very healthy and truth is, it probably wasn't....not having a 24/7 helpdesk (that sucks but i'm starting to make inroads there), having to empty the dishwasher (this was one of the jobs ben did and i'm really not enjoying doing it!) - this week it took me until i ran out of teaspoons to finally empty it, exercising on my own again (although i'm pleased to say that has finally been remedied it has been a long and lazy 3 months), my cup of tea in bed each day although i make my own and take it back to bed so i'm getting used to that...reality is, that we get used to just about anything, in time....
so what i'm hoping for is now that i have almost (and i say almost, coz there are the odd occasion when i'm really not used to it at all) gotten used to being single again, my mr right will turn up and throw my world upside down again!
ok, am getting off the soapbox now - feels as though i've written heaps tonight - another very good form of catharsis...methinks i'm gonna enrol in some writing courses for when i get back from my trip!
nite xx
and usually i just go there and go with the flow, but i think i'm gonna ask some questions! some questions like do i need to do anything differently to get out there and meet men? and don't get me wrong, i'm doing some things, even though there are some days when i feel like it might be just a little bit soon, and there are other days when i feel soooo ready...
it's so interesting - i really thought that getting over ben was gonna take an age, and don't get me wrong, i still think about him a lot and wonder what he's doing and how he is - that's not gonna disappear in a short space of time, but as each day passes (especially the last 8 days where i have managed exercise on every single one of those days) i do feel better - and perhaps it's because i am just no longer accustomed to having him around, but i also think that i am starting to see things in a very different light now...
some 3 months on it's getting much easier to leave the rose coloured glasses on the bedside table where they belong (in my very french boudoir type bedroom)....
rediscovering music i love and that speaks to me has helped...meditation is definitely helping...exercise is helping (and in many ways was one of the last barriers for me to get over)....the business is helping...the thought of a round the world trip in 4 weeks is helping...the thought of seeing friends and family i love is helping...the thought of a conference in paris is helping - perhaps there'll be some cute men to flirt with (that'll definitely help)....a new business opportunity is helping...but you know what? most of all, my attitude to myself and my life is helping!
so, will be interesting to see what the reading brings up...it's only been about 3 months since i had one but it's a different person - someone i've seen on and off for probably 10 years!
perhaps i'll ask her if i should get my teeth whitened - bit obsessed about that right now - that and whether or not i should in fact go ahead and get that tattoo i've been waiting for....
mmmm decisions, decisions!
so these are the words to one of kelly's songs, and you know what i agree with it: my life would suck without you...
and by you, i don't mean ben, but me! yep me, the sarah who used to know what she wanted, who stood up for herself, the girl who used to be independant and confident and sure of what she wanted, in life and love, the girl who went after what she wanted, that get up and go that for so long had been missing....
but no more, she's back, and it's true, my life did suck without her!
so the mp3 player is working, in that i can listen to music on it, but now that it's on 'charger' it's been on there for hours.....doesn't usually take that long - of course it hasn't usually been dropped into a toilet! so only time will tell...
pls pls pls pls pls let it be working properly.....
please!
not only is my mp3 player working again - yippee - you have NO idea just how excited I am by this - it wasn't exactly a major setback but I had just transferred more music onto it and because i'm leaving for my trip in 4 weeks, i was going to struggle to find time to buy a new gadget, get used to it, upload all my music...
so thank you universe!
yep, a silly teenage like crush on Chris O'Donnell...
so my mum has always been an NCIS watcher (she loves Mark Harmon) and i have to confess that in recent months, given my circumstances, tv has had it's appeal, along with new things, and things that don't remind me of ben and the life we had together...funnily enjough NCIS was one of those shows we both claimed to hate - for my part, i'd never even watched it so have no idea what i was on about...
turns out i don't really love NCIS as much as I love NCIS LA...coupla reasons: firstly, NCIS is very 'staged' and even though i like some of the characters, I don't think there is fantastic chemistry between them all and secondly, Chris O'Donnell is in NCIS LA....
hot hot hot - i never remembered him as being this cute! it's true what they say: some things DO get better with age...
there's something to be said for meeting people when you are a happy version of yourself...it's probably a long story and i'm not gonna write it all here, suffice it to say, i spent the day with someone today who i know is going to become a very important person in my life...both professionally and personally! it was amazing...
so i met her through someone i used to admire a lot and over time i guess it's fair to say that my admiration for this person has dimished somewhat - i guess she has moved from being someone i had on a pedestal to someone who is not - i still think she's an amazing person and i like her a lot but i no longer have any sort of 'worship' going on...
and when i first met this person, honestly, i didn't think we had much in common and i didn't really warm to her...further our mutual connection had 'talked her up' so i guess, truthfully, i felt a bit insignificant by comparison...and i was in the middle of a very bad time, having worked out in my head that my relationship with Ben was if not over, not going in the direction that i wanted it to, had no job, and hadn't spent anytime building/growing my business...
so imagine my surprise when she calls me a week or so after this first meeting to chat and we end up getting on like a house on fire! well, many months on, we have now spent a lot more time together and not only do i really like her, i admire her and am excited to say that we are going to set up a business together!
so you know how they say that sometimes you meet people for a reason? well i think i met the other person (the mutual connection) so that i could meet this person...
sooo i think that it's going to be great to have a new friend, to work with someone who gets me and i think our business is going to be a fabulous success, and lot's of fun!
so, i went...on sat night and even though i kinda figured it wasn't gonna work out, i went anyway...
i didn't wear heels though - knowing he was only an inch taller than me meant i couldn't comfortably do it - and sure there's probably hours of therapeutic time to be spent on why i want to be with someone who's taller than me and in some ways represents my Dad - actually maybe not - my dad cares about me and looks after me when i need him to, so guess it's not such a surprise really...
anyway, all of last week and saturday i was beating myself up about what i want in a man...
that problem is now solved!!! and of course i no longer have a dilemma!
so, i went, didn't wear heels, felt short as result and not sexy (i find it hard to feel great when not in heels and out)...it was ok, wasn't horrible, he's a nice guy, just not for me...
so another social experiment completed....
i dropped my mp3 player in the toilet today and surprise, surprise, it's no longer working :-( and sure this isn't life destroying stuff, but i'm sad - see i really liked it - even though it cost me nothing and is years out of date (technologically speaking), but i liked it, and of course it was blue :-(
and it's now less than month til i go away, so i'm gonna have to invest time to find a new machine and work out how to get all my music onto it...groan!
anyway, pretty good day - had coffee with an old mentor, nice...then had 3 client sessions - one of which didn't go quite to plan but he is happy (not really my fault....but still, it threw me a bit) with the outcome, then a very quick dinner, then meditation - my monday night meditation is becoming one of the things i look forward to most in my week...and i forgot to mention that i walked home from waverton today so that marks 6 consecutive days of exercising...think i might be on a roll...
oh and chelsea won overnight so they only have to win one more game and the title is theirs - and they are also in the FA cup next weekend....
and i have a strategy day with a new friend tomorrow - feels like ages since we said we would do it, and tomorrow's the day - let's hope we will find some creativity...
ok, nite xx
and that's not really a surprise to anyone who knows me, but i guess whilst with Ben i didn't feed my passion for music like i did previously - i bought kelly clarkson's new (ish) album today and i am playing it full blast (sorry neighbours), and i had forgotten how therapeutic it can be to listen to music that you love...
one good friend suggested that i do a lot of things for me following the breakup - including exercising, and in particular, she mentioned listening to music...not sure why i left it so long, but yesterday i bought 2 cd's - guess honestly, one of the reasons is that whilst Ben was here i didn't buy CD's at all, and i haven't yet worked out how to legally download them!!!
i did manage to get my skype working again today though, and previously having IT issues has been a real reminder of what i am missing with Ben, but i used an online service and it was great - actually, i probably could have worked it out myself, but one of my other little life challenges is asking for help, so kinda nice to find a way to a) ask for help and b) solve a problem that a couple of months ago would have sent me into a spiral...
and don't get me wrong, there are times (although they are fewer and farther between now) when i miss him terribly and when i wonder what will happen to him and find it hard to comprehend that even though we spent nearly 2 years together, now there is nothing...absolutely nothing, and following his curt (actually i thought they were rude) texts to me in the week, for us to talk about now :-(
soooo i am consoling myself this afternoon (doubly coz Carlton got smashed by the Pies...sob) with doing some work for a client i really like and listening to Kelly...
mental note to self: put new KC album on mp3 player...
my therapist yesterday - see during the week I posted about something in a very cryptic way - well basically it was this: i met a guy at function the other week, he seemed nice enough, asked for my number and we agreed to go out lastnight, but i remeber he was quite short...
so of course i beat myself up all week about whether i should go through with it, simply because my IDEAL man is taller than me by a minimum of 4 - 5cm - and it turns out that this is not simply so that i can wear the many pairs of heels i have accumulated over the years, but because i think that my IDEAL man will be bigger and stronger than me because in some way i want his protection...
so of course i felt bad about this - meaning 'how can i write off a bloke because he's not tall (in this case he was in point of fact only 1cm taller than me, way skinnier and i simply felt big and unfeminine around him when i met him the 2nd time - the first time at least he had a suit on so had the appearnce of looking slightly bigger) - i have beaten myself up about what this IDEAL looks like which is kinda funny because when i consider this person, and i want for non physical traits like compassion, success and drive etc, that's seems ok, but for some reason when I think about the physical aspect of 'the list' it makes me judge myself and feel bad...
so an interesting session at therapy yesterday where all of this came tumbling out - not quite as articulately as the above...
interesting though that i have woken up today feeling a number of things: firstly, a bit fuzzy after 2 drinks lastnight (it's been a while since i had any alcohol sooo am feeling it today), secondly a bit disconcerted after 2 dreams where i was still with Ben and thirdly that i don't need to defend or justify what I want in a man...
and as my therapist pointed out to me - to go with my intuition because it's there, and not let the fear of old patterns creeping in quell it!
sooo let's see how it go with that...
the good thing is that despite what was a bad relationship with ben in the end, and despite me being so terribly hurt and feeling like i'd never get over it, i can now see my way to meeting someone else and being with someone else......eventually!
