a wee bit better

is how i can describe today...but i got off to a very slow start...

despite ending yesterday on a much better note than the start, i woke up in shock - it's funny, an ex of mine was telling me that after he divorced from his wife, some times he would be ok and then wake up and realise the 'situation' he was in, as if, in some way, sleeping was an escape from his reality...which of course it is for me - always has been...

so despite a very slow start and one where i really felt a strong pull to lie in bed, cry and just mope...i didn't! i got up, did heaps of work today and managed to do the food shopping too - something i have only done once since Ben and i split - for some reason i'm having an emotional block to shopping - no surprises really since we used to do the shopping together, and not that i am deluded into thinking this is some form of romance, but it was something we did together for nearly 2 years and so doing it alone is yet another reminder that i am, in fact, alone...

i'm really not coping too well with that right now - despite a rocky start initially i had started to feel really good and back to my new old self...but i really feel as though i have regressed in the last few weeks and i'm not feeling good about it...a lot of my negative thinking has re-emerged and i find myself feeling quite angry and synical :-(

also, my dinner with my good friend last night raised an interesting question (she finds herself in a similar situation) - namely 'am i the marrying kind?' and by me i don't me i don't think i am, but perhaps men don't think i am...or the men i've dated/gone out with? made me kinda sad - i'm kind of scared to ask really - coz what if the answer is yes?

so i'm doing the best i can - putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that in time (everyone says it takes time) i will actually be more than ok, but happy...

please universe, pave the way for me...