this is gonna be short and sweet, but

probably pretty angry sounding...and that's coz i am! angry that is...

and at someone who over the years has made me very angry and who i find to be, at times, very inconsiderate, especially when i think about everything i have done for her, her husband and her children (whom i adore - they are NOT the subject of my anger)...

so i'm talking about my sister and it actually saddens me to be so angry that i'm blogging about it, and in fact i have wanted to in years gone by but my internal critic, my 'sensor' as it were has stopped me - well no more..

so as usual i am heading to melbs at least once this year to take my nephew to the footy - am trying to tie it in with the same game my dad is going to coz i love it when the 3 of us go to the footy together - and i tell my sister i've booked the tickets and so ask her if it might be ok for someone to pick me up at the airport - after a conversation (which i knew when i asked would go pearshaped - coz it always does) she accuses me of being high maintenance - what a fucking bitch! i am soo mad at her - actually i'm more than mad i'm hurt - i cried on the way home today thinking about it...

i have done so much for them and her over the years and every time i ask to be picked up at the airport it's the same thing - and you know last time she was in sydney for work and i knew we wouldn't get to see each other i offered to drive to her work (30 min drive), drive her from there to the airport (probably an hour drive) just so that i could get to see her and chat...but no, every time i ask for something i'm either high maintenance or it's too hard and you know why i asked her to do this? so i could see her and my neice as well as my nephew who i'm taking to the footy...when i was there last i took my nephew to school (this saved her time - of course I loved doing it so it's no problem for me coz i'm actually a helpful sort of person), picked up dinner, picked him up from after school care...

so instead, here's what i'm doing (apart from talking to my meditation teacher about the attachment issues i have with how i would like her to be): i'm flying in on the day of the footy and meeting my nephew at the ground, then flying home...

i am no longer going to put myself in a situation with her where i am a) accused of being something i'm not and b) where i am NEVER put first...

even as i write this i am angry and sad, and angry and sad - there is an endless stream of questions i could ask but seriously, what's the point...angry too that very soon after i broke up with ben she made a very callous remark to me and frankly has been less than supportive as i've attempted to put my life back together...

the questions i am left pondering are this: how can i be related to her, how could we have grown up in the same family, how can she be so fucking self absorbed that just occasionally she can't look outside her own stuff?

ok i'm getting off the soapbox now coz even though i have vented i am actually really hurt by this - sure it seems inconsequential to some of you but this is a pattern that has been around for some years and no matter how much i do for her/them, doesn't seem to be a lot coming back this way - kinda sad really...

so in fact the real question is this: how do i find a way to not let it get to me, to accept who she is and how she behaves towards me?  mmmm