pissed off or sad....

not really sure if one is more appropriate than the other description...

so lastnight i texted ben to see if he had received a book that i posted him - in typical fashion it wouldn't have occurred to him to acknowledge that i'd sent it...he said he had, so i then asked if his sister had given birth to their 2nd baby which i knew was due this week and he responds with 'yeah she had it' - seriously, no details, no she's ok etc etc

i was so mad! guess the reality is for a lot of our relationship i was mad for pretty much the same thing - his seeming disregard for others...the thing that pisses me off is that i am now simply one more of those people he disregards - for a while he pretended to regard me, but at times i even sensed that was a bloody big effort for him

how sad to be so wrapped in yourself that you can't or don't want to let others into your world..

so i'm pissed off at him, i'm pissed off at me that i put up with it so long because i thought me loving him would conquer it (deluded or what?) and i'm sad that i put myself and my happiness in the background for too bloody long :-(

it's funny how after a few months, the day to day routines of your life with someone do become less vivid memories, and things do hurt less, but what happens then (at least to me) is that i am now starting to really see things, and ben, for what they were and for what he was, and you know, even right at the start i had a sense of some of these things but i overlooked them!!!

so in my way, i guess i am responsible for what happened - and that's true to a degree - but he could have had the spine or even care for me to pull the pin when he realised that being in a relationship is just not him...

so sure he told me that he loved me in his way, but in no way did he love me in the way i wanted to be loved, and sadly, until i broke up with him, i didn't love me enough to stand up for what i want and believe in...

sooo pissed off or sad - both really!