my life is

not really where i had hoped it would be...

a relationship break up really does have a way of putting every area of your life under the micrscope...and don't get me wrong as one area (my work) is absolutely in a great place, and whilst it is still relatively new, and thus growing, it is great and i love it - the challenge of building a successful business is almost as rewarding as getting to work with the clients i work with...and it's a real privelege to be doing this sort of work...

but of course one can only distract oneself with work for so long - inevitably it then becomes a necessity to really look at the rest of ones life and in some ways give it the 'tick' or 'cross'...and following my breakup with Ben, i really am not happy with being single...i took my relationship with him very seriously - i thought it would be forever, i was happy to make an effort...so of course, all of that (namely, my old fashioned values) make it harder to get on with my life...

so back not liking my life right now...if i look back on things, i would never have thought that i'd be 41 and single - but actually that's an interesting statement, because before i met Ben, actually i wasn't sure if i did in fact ever think i'd meet anyone...and sure Ben and I didn't make it but not because we didn't love each other, but as i may have eluded to before, we don't want the same things...and if i'm honest, perhaps at the beginning when we did meet i didn't think it important enough to consider what those things were and whether or not we were in fact 'compatible'...

and of course we were compatible in many ways - how else could we have spent nearly 2 years together...but we are not compatible in terms of what we want out of a relationship in the long term and even  in terms of what we want out of life...seems that if i look back honestly, those 'things' started to show earlier than we broke up and made if difficult - differences can (but not always) create conflict, and added to that, was my fear i guess, to talk about what i really wanted...

and what i really wanted was a long term committed relationship (including the possibility of marriage) - i did, and you know what? i don't think i ever told Ben that - and why is that? well perhaps because i thought he didn't want that and me saying it would scare him off? weird really how fear can mean we don't say what we want - guess that stems from my childhood...you'd think by 41 and after years of therapy i might have been able to conquer that one - guess some habits are harder to break than others...i am making progress though...

so now i'm rambling - can't remember what i started with - oh yes, that my life isn't where i want it to be - and it's not...but right now i am still grieving for ben, for what we couldn't have together, for the little rituals we shared, for the life we had together, for the dreams i had for a life with him....

guess until that grieving is done, it might be hard to even contemplate 'moving' towards what it is that i ultimately want...