it's official...i'm in a slump

I really am - the last few days has been a nightmare...having gotten through the first 2 months i have believed myself to be doing really well - and of course if i put everything in context i am doing well, but since the saturday night pub outing, it's been, well pearshaped....

i haven't felt this sad since immediately after the breakup - perhaps it's the reality? perhaps it's coz i'm quite sick (and of course it's not a surprise to be feeling emotionally under the weather when your body isn't doing so well), perhaps it's coz so many friends asked me 'when i was getting back out there?' and i toyed with doing so, that i was ok...

so i'm really not ok...and by that i mean not ok with trying to imagine myself with anyone else...of course i am ok - work is going well, i'm enjoying as lot of my life, i'm doing the things i want to be doing, and as each day passes it gets easier, and harder...coz the longer it goes, the more of a reality it becomes (and by 'it' i mean being single, which sometimes means feeling very very alone)...

difficult too that ben misses me and told me he still loves me - which of course i get - i miss him terribly at times and i love him too - can't turn off a 2 year thing like a switch - and of course this doesn't mean it was working at the end or that we want the same things, coz i actually don't think we do, and i wonder actually if we ever did, but we found each other at a time when we both really needed something and someone to understand, and of course we had that....but we aren't together now because i think we realised eventually that what we wanted at the beginning wasn't sustainable and we started wanting different things - which i guess is common in relationships? 

and of course it's very easy for me to sit here and type this and rationalise it, but reality is i am sad and i miss him terribly and there are times when i really wish things could have been and could be different...