i thought the 'slump'

had kinda lifted, but it seems to have returned again...and not as bad as it was on tuesday night, but i'm sad...and lonely...

it's funny coz before i met ben i had spent years on my own - don't get me wrong, there were a few men along the way, but no-one serious, no-one serious enough for me to move in with or introduce to my friends and family...so it seems kinda strange that having been on my own for years (and for the most part i enjoyed it even though i knew i wanted to meet someone) i now don't like it so much...

some days i love the freedom and when i'm busy (and not sick or have pmt!) i am pretty happy and content with my lot, but since ben, i am really struggling to come to terms with it all again, and especially when i thought that once i'd met him, that would be it...

it's hard! and even though i made a really good start to the recovery, people (mainly my mum and dad) kept saying it would take time, and maybe even a long time...and you know what, they are right...i thought, or maybe it was hoped, that coz i felt good and happy some days and certainly freer, that i was ok, but reality is, the longer it is, sometimes the harder it feels, almost like it was some sort of 'holiday' we took from each other, but it isn't a holiday - it's real - he's not coming back and even though there is a small part of me (you know the part i blogged about the other day - the part of me that now understands why people stay even when it's not right) that wishes he would, i know in the long term we just don't want the same thing...

it would be easier if i hated him, but i don't - i am SO far away from hating him...sure, there were things i didn't like towards the end (feeling unloved, not special and being taken for granted) but i don't hate him - i don't think i ever will - what does it say about me to spend nearly 2 years with someone and then end up hating them...

sooo i'm lonely, and as daylight savings ends and it gets colder, i feel worse - like some of my 'light' has gone out and yet again i find myself having to face the world on my own...

and you know what, there are not that many people that understand this - people who've been married for years think they understand, but they don't...and it's not their fault, i'm not blaming them, i'm simply pointing out that they just don't understand...

so i'm sad, and lonely and added to that i'm still sick and added to that i've got some people in my life who i find a disappointment at times (and not in who they are, but in how they behave and the impact that has on me) and i find myself wondering 'when will it be my turn?'...