holding pattern

i always used to find this a rather interesting description when it was applied to a person's life or state of mind, rather than an aeroplane! but that's exactly how i feel - when i move out of the immense sadness and loneliness that seems to have been my existence now for some time, i find that even though there are things that bring me happiness and that i do genuinely enjoy, when i stop doing them, i find myself feeling as if i am simply doing the same stuff over and over...

i guess this is all part of the normal 'grieving process' - one which i haven't done in this way before - guess it's been a long time since i was in a relationship let alone ended one and truth is, most of my relationships before ben were never as committed or real - certainly i had never lived with anyone for nearly 2 years before - actually other than by accident, i'd never lived with any former boyfriend...

so you see it's a bit different - and of course i am very different to the person i was all those times before coz i've done a lot of personal growth (even though some days it really doesn't feel like it)  - so the entire experience is new...and of course i don't want to handle it in the same way i have done before - namely blaming (although there is the inevitable questions that one asks following a relationship breakdown) and becoming outwardly angry at the world and cynical and closed off...

don't get me wrong, there have absolutely been moments of feeling all of those things but i really try and keep them in check, coz reality is, i'm the only one who suffers when i present to the world feeling like that...and i know i am hurting but doesn't mean i have to make others hurt too, or ultimately because of the way i behave, allow others to think i'm something i'm not...

so it's bloody hard is all i'm saying and i wonder how long it really is going to be until i feel ok again - sure there have been glimpses, and every now and again after a good day or a lovely time with friends, i feel as though the new old sarah is emerging, but then of course in private is where i really let it all out, and sometimes with my therapist...

so the general consensus is that it can take (wait for it) anywhere from 6 months to a year to get over a major relationship - and one thing i know for sure, despite everything that wasn't working in my relationship with ben, it was a major relationship for me and by far the most serious relationship i have had...

soooo i think time is really gonna be the only thing...i have never been one to wish away the time, but there are times right now (when it's really hard and when i'm feeling so alone) that i wish i could wake up in some time in the future, and i'm sure i already said this on my blog, so apologies for the repetition...

also, what i realised the other week (when i went on that stupid dinner thing) was that i don't actually have to wipe out memories of Ben or our time together - in time, when i am ready, i will be able to integrate all of it into who i am and not have to pretend it didn't happen - this is good to know!

ok, off the soapbox now - tea and perhaps some crap tv before meditation tonight - i have ticked off a couple of major items on my to do list today so feel like a break is in order!

ciao
xx