disconcerted...

is the only way i can describe how i feel this morning...see i must have had a dream about ben so when i woke up it felt very 'unreal' and not unreal as in good, but un real as in not real...

it was disconcerting...i didn't sleep well (might have been the 2 cans of coke with dinner or the temperature, see i put the doona on the bed yesterday and i think it was too early)...and that probably hasn't helped because i've woken up not feeling rested (sigh) and feeling confused and sad...

i wonder what it is that makes our dreams sometimes feel so real - i can't even remember the dream but i remember that ben was in it, and of course then to wake up and realise he's not here (which when i'm awake i am obviously very aware of) is hard...

so it makes me wonder why on earth our minds would work in such a way as to cause us pain? see i went to bed feeling quite content (i won't say happy, but i wasn't sad) and after having had a good few days, and a bloody dream has made me feel sad all over again...i guess it is a process - there will be ups and downs and some days i'll feel good and others i won't - as my therapist said, could take a year (sigh...) as my dad says it's going to take time...so it seems that time really is the answer...and of course, as with everything i have high (and sometimes unreasonable i guess) expectations of myself, and it has not yet even been 3 months

probably too it's because i had dinner with a really good girlfriend and we talked a bit about what had happened, so of course it's fresh in my mind, as is the 'dialogue' i had with ben on friday night...seems he's struggling too - which of course makes me feel sad on a number of levels...

it really is hard to disentangle two peoples lives when they have been together for some time and even though it wasn't (in the end anyway) what we both wanted, doesn't mean that we weren't used to having each other around nor that it was all bad...

somedays i still feel as though i'm missing a limb :-(