and not like there was any special significance of sundays when ben and i were together, although towards the end it was the day we had (at my insistence) set aside to get out and explore - go somewhere we'd never been before, go to the beach etc....
perhaps it's coz it's the end of a week (or the start depending on how you look at it) and it's a reflection or the fact that now the shock and enormity of what i have done is wearing off and what i am left with (despite me being comfortable with the decision i made and all the reasons that got me there) is the reality of living my life alone....at least for the time being....and you know what, that makes me sad...
i didn't take any sort of sleeping tablet the last 2 nights and this morning i woke up feeling woeful - more likely due to the sinus infection i have that i've been pretending isn't there...i've really gotta get some antibiotics and try and knock it on it's head as the permanent headache i think is more a function of my sinuses than the neck pain i have been having...that has eased somewhat - slept on my back lastnight and rubbed in voltaren gel before bed - all good!
so anyway, i'm sad is what i was writing about and perhaps the start of the NRL season has heightened that? perhaps not? not like ben showed much interest in football (or any sport for that matter) as our relationship neared the end...in fact he didn't show much interest in anything, including me...that's pretty sad too :-(
it's funny though, even when i am sad now he is still the first person i think to go to for comfort, and yet, for some time, even whilst we were together, he wasnt' the comfort i so desperately wanted and a large part of that was me knowing that things weren't working and that he didn't want to be there - even though when asked, he always said he did...but the reality is this: he couldn't be honest with himself, and worse, he couldn't be honest with me...when i asked him if he loved me, if he was in love with me, if he wanted a life together...he always said yes - why couldn't he have been honest with me? why couldn't he? seriously? i crucified myself for months wondering what more i could have done - i wonder if he has put himself through the same misery...i doubt it...
soooo here i am! 41 and fabulous! not in a relationship, but not feeling as alone as i did the last few months with him...hopeful that the man of my dreams is around the corner, hopeful that i continue to heal and learn and stay open to love...
sooo on that note, methinks it's time for a cup of tea and an early night...
au revoir xx
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