one minute i'm fine, next minute i'm not and don't get me wrong, i'm not still really upset, but my mind does seem to wander...and i find myself feeling sad or lonely or angry...
so today started ok, but then as i was doing something in the kitchen i just started to feel really lonely...it really does just sneak up on me, with no apparent trigger and no warning...
then as i went to get into the shower i remembered that early on we occasionally used to shower together but as time moved on and he became more and more removed from me, he would often shut the bathroom door...i guess it made me look back over things and i realised that i had been in relationship with ben and sad for a long time :-(
and of course that realisation (which isn't new, meaning i've talked about it before) brings with it some anger - anger towards him and anger towards myself - i really did NOT put myself first and continuing to put him first to my detriment is just something i look at now and wonder...
i wonder what on earth i was thinking?
i guess what i miss most is having someone to talk to and the thought of someone being here - and i don't mean the deep emotional moving sort of talks, i just mean the talk of the everyday...coz truth is towards the end i didn't feel connected to ben in that way, after my birthday when he'd asked me if i would be happier with someone else i kind of shut off - of course it wasn't long after that we did in fact break up...but i miss being able to comment on the weather, or the bridge works or what i ate for lunch (you know, the boring minutiae of life) with someone...
actually a tightrope is probably a more accurate description with freedom at one end and loneliness at the other, and whilst i manage it well most of the time, occasionally i find myself at the loneliness end, and i don't like it!
ok, on with my day - loads of things to tick off the list today!
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