and by reminiscing i mean reading over my posts for the last year or so and man it makes me sad...i can only recall a handful where i actually mentioned ben and there are a lot where i won't talk about (at least not in the blog) what's really going on for me - which was basically my struggle to find my voice, which ultimately lead to the breakup...
guess i knew it was coming for some time - i knew things weren't right for ages but my fear of being single and what breaking up would mean to ben allowed me to keep going - to stay in a relationship with someone i loved deeply, but who didn't love me in the same way, with someone who i put first almost all of the time, who hardly ever put me first, with someone who rarely lifted a finger even when i kept asking for help...
how sad it makes me that i spent so long trying to extract myself from a situation that simply made me sad and not feel loved...how sad that in a years worth of posts, there are only a handful of positive things to say about this person who was supposed to be my 'partner'...
he accused me of telling centrelink he'd moved out this week (which of course i didn't do - in fact i have no idea how they know) which was really the final nail in the coffin for me - i'd beeen hanging on to our text communications, not really knowing why, since contact with him (even whilst he was here) wasn't what i wanted in a relationship...it's funny though because as he accused me i realised that he perhaps never saw us as 'partners' or as a 'team' which is something i'd said to him over and over whilst still together - that i so desperately wanted to have a shared future, some shared goals...it fell on deaf ears...
so as i reminisced tonight i cried - the tears streamed down my face and into the keyboard (oops) as i realise now (have done for a little while actualy) that a lot of my sadness and disillusionment last year was to do with my relationship and not with my life, or the events of my life....
sad is really the only way i can describe it...but i knew even when it was hard that i was in the middle of an important universal lesson for myself, and of course, i now know (at least in part) what that lesson was, but boy o boy it was a difficult and painful year...
of course i'm not naive enough to think the journey is ever 'over' and i know that there is going to continue to be some sadness as i really put myself back together...
i'm just sad that for so long i thought it was ok to put someone else's happiness ahead of mine :-(
so please please please let me have learned this lesson...
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