it's been a week of

firsts for me...

have finally managed to scrape up the courage to sleep with the windows open - doesn't sound like very much, but for me, it's a big thing...

finally went for a walk, for the first time since we broke up - also not a major thing but since we exercised together, i'd been having something of a 'block' emotionally...

and i got angry with ben - this is something i hardly ever did without the fear of what it would mean when we were together (and that's my stuff, not his)...i let my fear of what might happen dictate so much of my truth....no more!

have also done a couple of the things i've been putting off which feels good...including getting a quote for the windows to be cleaned so that i can see more clearly...it's only gonna cost $100 for all the windows in the apartment (inside and out) to be cleaned, so i figured, why the hell not!

soooo today was going so well - despite the anger i went to bed with, i managed to sleep ok, not fantastically, but ok...got some stuff done - had 2 coaching sessions, both good, picked up a few more supplies (for my health plan!), did my walk (40 minutes today and it hurt - i am sooo unfit) and then got a text from ben as i was making dinner...

so i've suggested to him that we cease contact for a while - if we still have something to say to each other at some point then maybe we should do so in person - i don't want to keep feeling the pull towards him when a text comes in and seriously, what could i possibly have to say to him that i haven't already said? well maybe quite a bit as it seems i still have some anger - although from my meditation class monday night i have realised that my anger hurts me and others so really it's not something i want to cultivate..

truth is though i am angry with ben - for not being honest with me until it was too late, and i'm angry with myself too for having stayed so long and crucifying myself in the process...but really it would do me good to let go of that anger - but does letting go mean forgiving??? so sure, i can forgive myself for the reason it took me so long to make the decision was simply my journey...but can i forgive ben? and if i can't forgive him, can i let go of the anger? good question...guess if i frame it as 'he maybe couldn't be honest with himself, so how could he be honest with me' that makes it more palatable - but you know what? it really doesn't....

sooo from this moment on it's forwards for me...hanging onto the seeming security blanket of the occasional text and email has got to be put behind me...of course this is no easy task - when you spend nearly 2 years with someone and love and care for them, it's hard to let that go entirely....

so universe if you are listening, please support me as i do this, please look out for me as i take each day as it comes and focus on me and my life, and please look out for ben....