i'm just so sad today

and if i'm honest, i'm missing ben...i know that a lot of what i've written of late has been less about missing ben and more about missing someone or the idea of someone, well today, i really miss ben...

and even though the logical side of me kicks in and says 'but things weren't right' - sure, i know that, but my heart, the non logical side of me, the side of me that let myself be vulnerable with him in the first place and let him into my life, she misses ben....

i've had a shit day - in fact ever since i went out with a girlfriend on sat night (she wanted me to go out with her and another friend to a pub so i could used to talking to men i don't know) i've just felt miserable and realised that i really do miss ben - and sure, not all of him, and not the stuff i didn't like, but i do actually miss him

and today it feels worse - so saturday night out with the girls, tonight i went to one of those 'arranged dinner's and it was all i could not to cry all the way home...and don't get me wrong it wasn't a horrible evening, the company was good, the food was good, but the reason to go to these things is to ultimately find a partner, and right now i just can't imagine being with anybody else...

maybe i've jumped in too soon, maybe i'm not ready, maybe i thought i was over ben - i think i might have been kidding myself, and this doesn't mean i'm not getting better coz i am, and it doesn't mean i'm not getting on with my life, coz i am doing that too, and of course i enjoy a lot of things, but since saturday all i can think of is just how lonely being single is sometimes...and i guess this is why so many people stay in relationships that perhaps aren't right for them coz they think it's better than being alone and right now, i agree with them...

what i miss most of all is the time when everything seemed rosy, when we were in love and every moment we got together was great - reality is i'd been missing that even while he was here, but it doesn't make today any easier...and then i get angry with myself for staying so long and angry with him for staying when he didn't want to be here, and angry that he couldn't love me enough...

i'm just angry and sad and i haven't cried this much since the very early weeks...is it a relapse? is it a bad day or am i just trying to move too quickly???

anyway, i can't type coz i can't see thru my tears so i'm going to bed....

i miss you benny....