happy anniversary....not

so today is a difficult day and one i have been dreading for some time, although bar a bad start, i seem to have gotten through it ok...

see today would have been my 2 year anniversary of being with ben and to me, it represented something of a milestone, as i guess all anniversaries do in their way...

so i got up a bit later than expected, having woken up after having a horrible nightmare...cancelled all my meetings bar my midday client and my afternoon with leah - i felt it was important to do something so that i didn't sit around moping, and i enjoyed both the things i did, which is good...

i am however, not inclined to go to meditation, which is unlike me as i know it will be relaxing and i will learn something but i am sooo tired that i just want to crawl onto the couch and feed my senses with tv...

is that bad? so that's exactly what i'm going to do - i keep telling my clients to be kinder to themselves and my good friends keep telling me to go gently, so rather than forcing myself out of the house, i am going to take some of my mum's lamb and potato curry (yum) out of the freezer, put on some jim jams and have a night in...

meditation will still be there next week...

i was also (and only briefly) talking to leah about the 'decision' i feel i need to make about my contact with ben - and she said 'why make a decision at all'?...which has given me food for thought...

so perhaps i'm just going to go with the flow and not make any conscious decisions...if we want to talk then we will, if we don't then we won't etc...

so pressure is off and whilst ben might actually be waiting for me to advise him of my decision, i'm not going to be pressured - and if you are reading this ben, then it's not out of disrespect for you, but the reason i am struggling to make a decision is because it's hard....so rather than just make a decision for the sake of doing so, i'm going to just sit with it...

sooo i'm off now to change into my jim jams, to make a cup of tea and to prepare for my evening in...

tomorrow my chandelier goes up - let's hope it works!