despite a great day

yesterday, i'm feeling very flat today and a wee bit jaded...

i feel as though ben and i are very close to ceasing all communication and then of course he says that he wants his best friend back - and i guess, if i'm honest, so do i, but i didn't spend nearly 2 years in a relationship with him coz i wanted a best friend...i wanted so much more and when i think that i am missing him, i am missing that friendship and companionship which he is also missing, but where to from here?

seriously, what does one do in these situations? i am not happy to have just a friendship (and given the intimacy of our previous relationship, could not do this without mental torture and heartache for me)...so what do we do? do we cut off all communication so we can both move on with our lives, even though, and i'm sure it normal when you've been with someone for a significant period of time, to not want to 'move on' as it were?

what does move on really mean? i mean every day since we've broken up i wake up, the sun is shining, the world continues to go on and life really does go on - and i've done my best to embrace that...i've started meditation classes, i've joined a bookclub (and whilst i didn't go last month coz the book they chose wasn't what i would ever read - maybe that's why i should have read it!), i'm spending more time with friends and throwing myself into work...but there is still that wall of loneliness to confront when i come home - and it's getting better, it is, but truth is, i really do want to be in a relationship - for years i'd thought i wouldn't be any good at relationships, but i know now, that in fact, I am...

so, perhaps it's because i'm tired and haven't slept well for 3 nights, perhaps it's because i'm not at home (and i like being at home), perhaps it's because i did have a good day yesterday at my former bosses annual conference, perhaps it's because i met a nice bloke yesterday who i spent some time chatting to at the end of the night....

anyway, perhaps it doesn't matter why i feel like this, perhaps I just have to sit with it...