and if i'm honest, i'm missing ben...i know that a lot of what i've written of late has been less about missing ben and more about missing someone or the idea of someone, well today, i really miss ben...
and even though the logical side of me kicks in and says 'but things weren't right' - sure, i know that, but my heart, the non logical side of me, the side of me that let myself be vulnerable with him in the first place and let him into my life, she misses ben....
i've had a shit day - in fact ever since i went out with a girlfriend on sat night (she wanted me to go out with her and another friend to a pub so i could used to talking to men i don't know) i've just felt miserable and realised that i really do miss ben - and sure, not all of him, and not the stuff i didn't like, but i do actually miss him
and today it feels worse - so saturday night out with the girls, tonight i went to one of those 'arranged dinner's and it was all i could not to cry all the way home...and don't get me wrong it wasn't a horrible evening, the company was good, the food was good, but the reason to go to these things is to ultimately find a partner, and right now i just can't imagine being with anybody else...
maybe i've jumped in too soon, maybe i'm not ready, maybe i thought i was over ben - i think i might have been kidding myself, and this doesn't mean i'm not getting better coz i am, and it doesn't mean i'm not getting on with my life, coz i am doing that too, and of course i enjoy a lot of things, but since saturday all i can think of is just how lonely being single is sometimes...and i guess this is why so many people stay in relationships that perhaps aren't right for them coz they think it's better than being alone and right now, i agree with them...
what i miss most of all is the time when everything seemed rosy, when we were in love and every moment we got together was great - reality is i'd been missing that even while he was here, but it doesn't make today any easier...and then i get angry with myself for staying so long and angry with him for staying when he didn't want to be here, and angry that he couldn't love me enough...
i'm just angry and sad and i haven't cried this much since the very early weeks...is it a relapse? is it a bad day or am i just trying to move too quickly???
anyway, i can't type coz i can't see thru my tears so i'm going to bed....
i miss you benny....
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
i had a good and busy
day today...
started with an intro meeting with a potential new client - think he's going to sign up! then a strategy meeting with a colleague (good meeting), then lunch with a friend, then a break, then a 2 hour client session where i took him through his mbti type...it was the first time i'd done one 'for real' so was a wee bit anxious, but it went really well :-)
so, all in all a good day - productive and enjoyed it, and yet, even after 2 hours of meditation class, i still feel a wee bit flat....
soooo gonna get a cup of tea and crawl into bed - a less busy day tomorrow (one meeting and lunch with a colleague, followed by a massage and pedicure if i can fit them both in), a phone coaching session at 5pm and then dinner with some new friends in the evening...
am sure i'll be ok, and this too will pass, but the last few nights (actually since saturday night after the 'going to the pub and coming home feeing old, fat and without hope') have not been so good....
nite xx
started with an intro meeting with a potential new client - think he's going to sign up! then a strategy meeting with a colleague (good meeting), then lunch with a friend, then a break, then a 2 hour client session where i took him through his mbti type...it was the first time i'd done one 'for real' so was a wee bit anxious, but it went really well :-)
so, all in all a good day - productive and enjoyed it, and yet, even after 2 hours of meditation class, i still feel a wee bit flat....
soooo gonna get a cup of tea and crawl into bed - a less busy day tomorrow (one meeting and lunch with a colleague, followed by a massage and pedicure if i can fit them both in), a phone coaching session at 5pm and then dinner with some new friends in the evening...
am sure i'll be ok, and this too will pass, but the last few nights (actually since saturday night after the 'going to the pub and coming home feeing old, fat and without hope') have not been so good....
nite xx
Sunday, March 28, 2010
the mornings and the evenings
are still the hardest times...and not every day and not the same time each time, but generally, they seem to be the times i tend to feel most sad...
of course there are whole days at a time when i get on without feeling sad at all, and then there are whole days at a time when i find it difficult to find my groove...
and of course i'm now looking at my calendar and realising that my period is due, so of course the last few days won't be a real indicator of my emotional state or how well i am 'getting over' the breakup...and then of course there is the lurgy - yes the one i got after visiting friends last weekend, where both lots of their kids seemed to be afflicted with different lurgies, and i have had some combination of them both...all week...
sooo no wonder i'm feeling sad really - the breakup wasn't that long ago, i miss having a companion, i miss being in a relationship, i miss the little things, i miss the language we used with each other (and this i mean that language that couples have that only them understand), i miss having someone to come home to, i miss so much about being in a relationship....and of course i'm sick and have pmt - no wonder i'm feeling sad!
of course there are whole days at a time when i get on without feeling sad at all, and then there are whole days at a time when i find it difficult to find my groove...
and of course i'm now looking at my calendar and realising that my period is due, so of course the last few days won't be a real indicator of my emotional state or how well i am 'getting over' the breakup...and then of course there is the lurgy - yes the one i got after visiting friends last weekend, where both lots of their kids seemed to be afflicted with different lurgies, and i have had some combination of them both...all week...
sooo no wonder i'm feeling sad really - the breakup wasn't that long ago, i miss having a companion, i miss being in a relationship, i miss the little things, i miss the language we used with each other (and this i mean that language that couples have that only them understand), i miss having someone to come home to, i miss so much about being in a relationship....and of course i'm sick and have pmt - no wonder i'm feeling sad!
what is it about going
to a pub on a saturday night that i find truly soul destroying:
- the number of thin, young, scantily clad women (of which I am not one)
- the volume of the music so i can't hear myself (or anyone else) think
- the reality of when i leave and come home, it is just me?
i don't know - i really enjoyed catching up with my friend (and her best friend) but i'm just not sure the pub scene is for me....
i came home and felt so lonely that i did something even i thought i shouldn't do....and went to sleep feeling really sad and very lonely and actually like a little bit of my old (read negative) thinking had re-emerged....
so i'm gonna go very gently today...
- the number of thin, young, scantily clad women (of which I am not one)
- the volume of the music so i can't hear myself (or anyone else) think
- the reality of when i leave and come home, it is just me?
i don't know - i really enjoyed catching up with my friend (and her best friend) but i'm just not sure the pub scene is for me....
i came home and felt so lonely that i did something even i thought i shouldn't do....and went to sleep feeling really sad and very lonely and actually like a little bit of my old (read negative) thinking had re-emerged....
so i'm gonna go very gently today...
Friday, March 26, 2010
footy season is finally here...
it seems every year i get to about mid feb and start longing for the afl season to start, and i'm not sure why really coz in recent years being a carlton fan hasn't been much fun at times...
so imagine my delight when i'm all geared up (emotionally and actually - new blues tshirt!) and sitting down to watch, and giving myself the pep talk that without fev (he went to the lions...hiss) and without judd (he got himself suspended!), we might not stand a chance...and we win!
so imagine my surprise when half way through the first quarter we are 18 points up and looking HOT! the boys played great, Tigers came back at them only once and we ended up winning by 56 points - not as good as last years 83 points (who will ever forget that?) but bloody good...
the young boys played well, the old boys did their job, the forward line looks good, the defence was good - really i can't fault a single player - they backed each other up, they fought hard, they played with their heads up and with some fight - this is what i want to see week in week out - even if they lose, i don't mind if they have given it their all...
only one criticism i have is this: in typical (of recent times) fashion with 5 minutes to go in the 1st qtr they start giving each other than 'hold the ball up' signal - i am over that crap and am inclined to email/write to brett ratten to tell him it's not good - not only did the momentum change at this point and the tigers pulled back a big lead with a few back to back goals, but it gives the opposition a mental advantage - knowing that the blues are afraid of giving up the lead! why they don't just try and extend the lead, rather than protect it, i will never know - perhaps it's a bloke thing, perhaps it's a footy thing - either way, i've been watching footy a long time, and obviously, i'm not a bloke, but seriously...
so anyway, i'm getting off the soapbox and congratulating the boys on a great win...
so i spoke to my neice before the game (she's 3) - turns out when she found out judd wasn't playing she cried (gotta love that) and then i told her that if the boys won, i'd call her today to sing the song and she says to me 'i don't want to aunty, i'll sing by my very own self' - ok then! of course i did ring my nephew tonight (he's 8) and in traditional fashion, him and i did sing the song...it's one of my favourite aspects of the carlton win really - singing the song with either him or my dad...
so imagine how chuffed i am to hear that when my neice gets up this morning she asks her Mum (my sister) if the blues won, when she finds out they do she says 'oh well we have to sing the song with aunty'...don't you just love the fickleness of a 3 yr old!
go blue baggers...
so imagine my delight when i'm all geared up (emotionally and actually - new blues tshirt!) and sitting down to watch, and giving myself the pep talk that without fev (he went to the lions...hiss) and without judd (he got himself suspended!), we might not stand a chance...and we win!
so imagine my surprise when half way through the first quarter we are 18 points up and looking HOT! the boys played great, Tigers came back at them only once and we ended up winning by 56 points - not as good as last years 83 points (who will ever forget that?) but bloody good...
the young boys played well, the old boys did their job, the forward line looks good, the defence was good - really i can't fault a single player - they backed each other up, they fought hard, they played with their heads up and with some fight - this is what i want to see week in week out - even if they lose, i don't mind if they have given it their all...
only one criticism i have is this: in typical (of recent times) fashion with 5 minutes to go in the 1st qtr they start giving each other than 'hold the ball up' signal - i am over that crap and am inclined to email/write to brett ratten to tell him it's not good - not only did the momentum change at this point and the tigers pulled back a big lead with a few back to back goals, but it gives the opposition a mental advantage - knowing that the blues are afraid of giving up the lead! why they don't just try and extend the lead, rather than protect it, i will never know - perhaps it's a bloke thing, perhaps it's a footy thing - either way, i've been watching footy a long time, and obviously, i'm not a bloke, but seriously...
so anyway, i'm getting off the soapbox and congratulating the boys on a great win...
so i spoke to my neice before the game (she's 3) - turns out when she found out judd wasn't playing she cried (gotta love that) and then i told her that if the boys won, i'd call her today to sing the song and she says to me 'i don't want to aunty, i'll sing by my very own self' - ok then! of course i did ring my nephew tonight (he's 8) and in traditional fashion, him and i did sing the song...it's one of my favourite aspects of the carlton win really - singing the song with either him or my dad...
so imagine how chuffed i am to hear that when my neice gets up this morning she asks her Mum (my sister) if the blues won, when she finds out they do she says 'oh well we have to sing the song with aunty'...don't you just love the fickleness of a 3 yr old!
go blue baggers...
gotta love my dad...
so i'm busily writing up a proposal and my phone rings...it's mid afternoon and it's my Dad...
we talk briefly about Carlton's win lastnight (very happy, beat the Tigers by 56 points) and then he says he was calling to see how i am, as he realised that it's been 2 months today since i broke up with Ben...
how nice is that? i hadn't even noticed, but he remembered...and he just rang to see how i was doing...
i really am blessed! i am surrounded by people who really do love me and even though there are times when i do feel really lonely, for the most part, two months on, i am doing great...i am starting to feel like the new old sarah, and by new i mean, the old me but with some great improvements! and by old i mean the person i used to be, not that i'm old...
i am loving the creativity that is coming as i apply myself to getting more clients (i think the big boys call this business development!), i love being my own boss, i even love working at home (although as i mentioned to my Dad in this conversation when he asked me if i enjoyed working at home 'yes, but i need to make sure i get plenty of contact with people because two days straight with little or no reason to leave the house makes me feel morose'....)
so today's post is really just about my Dad and how much i appreciated his call - actually how much i appreciate him!
we talk briefly about Carlton's win lastnight (very happy, beat the Tigers by 56 points) and then he says he was calling to see how i am, as he realised that it's been 2 months today since i broke up with Ben...
how nice is that? i hadn't even noticed, but he remembered...and he just rang to see how i was doing...
i really am blessed! i am surrounded by people who really do love me and even though there are times when i do feel really lonely, for the most part, two months on, i am doing great...i am starting to feel like the new old sarah, and by new i mean, the old me but with some great improvements! and by old i mean the person i used to be, not that i'm old...
i am loving the creativity that is coming as i apply myself to getting more clients (i think the big boys call this business development!), i love being my own boss, i even love working at home (although as i mentioned to my Dad in this conversation when he asked me if i enjoyed working at home 'yes, but i need to make sure i get plenty of contact with people because two days straight with little or no reason to leave the house makes me feel morose'....)
so today's post is really just about my Dad and how much i appreciated his call - actually how much i appreciate him!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
i'm in a mood
and i'm not overly happy...i'm sick again (headache, snuffles, total and utter lethargy), i'm pretty sure i also have pmt, my back hurts and so consequently i'm in a mood...
and of course add to that my building anger about why i stayed with ben so long when i knew things weren't what i wanted and the constant flashbacks to things that happened that i should have taken more notice and i find myself in a mood...
being sick doesn't help - being sick and alone doesn't help as i have no-one to make me a cup of tea and tell me it'll be ok...
so i hope this mood will pass - i cancelled my morning plans (which i didn't want to have to do as i really wanted to catch up with this friend) and stayed in bed a bit - might actually get a cuppa and go back there - seems at least in there i can try and rest!
girl with the dragon tattoo here i come...finally am into this book!
and of course add to that my building anger about why i stayed with ben so long when i knew things weren't what i wanted and the constant flashbacks to things that happened that i should have taken more notice and i find myself in a mood...
being sick doesn't help - being sick and alone doesn't help as i have no-one to make me a cup of tea and tell me it'll be ok...
so i hope this mood will pass - i cancelled my morning plans (which i didn't want to have to do as i really wanted to catch up with this friend) and stayed in bed a bit - might actually get a cuppa and go back there - seems at least in there i can try and rest!
girl with the dragon tattoo here i come...finally am into this book!
Monday, March 22, 2010
i can see more clearly now...
and no i'm not bursting into song...so after much contemplation and frankly, procrastination, i had all of the windows in my apartment cleaned today (professionally - inside and out) and you know what: not only were they amazingly dirty but I can see so much more, there is much more light out there than i had remembered!
an even more amazing is how much of a metaphor for my life the clean windows are - the last few days have represented a real shift in my outlook and mood, and i really do feel as if i am able to see things much more clearly now...
perhaps the time is starting to assist, perhaps the distance is starting to make things seem more obvious or perhaps i am just now beginning to be really honest about what happened and feel comfortable to talk about it (not to everyone...)
so not only are the windows sparkling, not only is the chandelier gonna look amazing tomorrow morning when the sun comes up, but i am enjoying being able to see things as they really are...
an even more amazing is how much of a metaphor for my life the clean windows are - the last few days have represented a real shift in my outlook and mood, and i really do feel as if i am able to see things much more clearly now...
perhaps the time is starting to assist, perhaps the distance is starting to make things seem more obvious or perhaps i am just now beginning to be really honest about what happened and feel comfortable to talk about it (not to everyone...)
so not only are the windows sparkling, not only is the chandelier gonna look amazing tomorrow morning when the sun comes up, but i am enjoying being able to see things as they really are...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
good friends are worth their weight in gold...
don't you think? today was just one of those lovely days...morning cuppa with one of my best friends (and his wife, kids and new puppy) at their house in cremorne, and then afternoon movie and tea with my best friend at her place...
did the just the trick after my almost 2 solids days at home, studying with little or no interaction...
i really am blessed! i have great friends who have reminded me just how great they are since the breakup...i am really enjoying seeing them more! and i'm really grateful that even though i was pretty 'quiet' and scarcely seen whilst with ben, they are still my good friends...
so one of them asks me 'when am i getting back on the bike'....so it got me to thinking and i'm taking some steps in that regard...
so, thank you universe for the amazing friends i have! life truly wouldn't be the same without them...
did the just the trick after my almost 2 solids days at home, studying with little or no interaction...
i really am blessed! i have great friends who have reminded me just how great they are since the breakup...i am really enjoying seeing them more! and i'm really grateful that even though i was pretty 'quiet' and scarcely seen whilst with ben, they are still my good friends...
so one of them asks me 'when am i getting back on the bike'....so it got me to thinking and i'm taking some steps in that regard...
so, thank you universe for the amazing friends i have! life truly wouldn't be the same without them...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
so i've just been reminiscing
and by reminiscing i mean reading over my posts for the last year or so and man it makes me sad...i can only recall a handful where i actually mentioned ben and there are a lot where i won't talk about (at least not in the blog) what's really going on for me - which was basically my struggle to find my voice, which ultimately lead to the breakup...
guess i knew it was coming for some time - i knew things weren't right for ages but my fear of being single and what breaking up would mean to ben allowed me to keep going - to stay in a relationship with someone i loved deeply, but who didn't love me in the same way, with someone who i put first almost all of the time, who hardly ever put me first, with someone who rarely lifted a finger even when i kept asking for help...
how sad it makes me that i spent so long trying to extract myself from a situation that simply made me sad and not feel loved...how sad that in a years worth of posts, there are only a handful of positive things to say about this person who was supposed to be my 'partner'...
he accused me of telling centrelink he'd moved out this week (which of course i didn't do - in fact i have no idea how they know) which was really the final nail in the coffin for me - i'd beeen hanging on to our text communications, not really knowing why, since contact with him (even whilst he was here) wasn't what i wanted in a relationship...it's funny though because as he accused me i realised that he perhaps never saw us as 'partners' or as a 'team' which is something i'd said to him over and over whilst still together - that i so desperately wanted to have a shared future, some shared goals...it fell on deaf ears...
so as i reminisced tonight i cried - the tears streamed down my face and into the keyboard (oops) as i realise now (have done for a little while actualy) that a lot of my sadness and disillusionment last year was to do with my relationship and not with my life, or the events of my life....
sad is really the only way i can describe it...but i knew even when it was hard that i was in the middle of an important universal lesson for myself, and of course, i now know (at least in part) what that lesson was, but boy o boy it was a difficult and painful year...
of course i'm not naive enough to think the journey is ever 'over' and i know that there is going to continue to be some sadness as i really put myself back together...
i'm just sad that for so long i thought it was ok to put someone else's happiness ahead of mine :-(
so please please please let me have learned this lesson...
guess i knew it was coming for some time - i knew things weren't right for ages but my fear of being single and what breaking up would mean to ben allowed me to keep going - to stay in a relationship with someone i loved deeply, but who didn't love me in the same way, with someone who i put first almost all of the time, who hardly ever put me first, with someone who rarely lifted a finger even when i kept asking for help...
how sad it makes me that i spent so long trying to extract myself from a situation that simply made me sad and not feel loved...how sad that in a years worth of posts, there are only a handful of positive things to say about this person who was supposed to be my 'partner'...
he accused me of telling centrelink he'd moved out this week (which of course i didn't do - in fact i have no idea how they know) which was really the final nail in the coffin for me - i'd beeen hanging on to our text communications, not really knowing why, since contact with him (even whilst he was here) wasn't what i wanted in a relationship...it's funny though because as he accused me i realised that he perhaps never saw us as 'partners' or as a 'team' which is something i'd said to him over and over whilst still together - that i so desperately wanted to have a shared future, some shared goals...it fell on deaf ears...
so as i reminisced tonight i cried - the tears streamed down my face and into the keyboard (oops) as i realise now (have done for a little while actualy) that a lot of my sadness and disillusionment last year was to do with my relationship and not with my life, or the events of my life....
sad is really the only way i can describe it...but i knew even when it was hard that i was in the middle of an important universal lesson for myself, and of course, i now know (at least in part) what that lesson was, but boy o boy it was a difficult and painful year...
of course i'm not naive enough to think the journey is ever 'over' and i know that there is going to continue to be some sadness as i really put myself back together...
i'm just sad that for so long i thought it was ok to put someone else's happiness ahead of mine :-(
so please please please let me have learned this lesson...
nights in rodanthe...
so i watched this movie a coupla months ago, not long before Ben and I broke up...and you know what? it made me really sad that in a relationship i could be so sad for what i saw as the difference between what they had and what we had...
i so desperately wanted that sort of love with Ben...or did I? i'm not sure i did want it with him but i know one thing for sure - i want it! maybe Ben just wasn't the right man for me...and of course that doesn't mean i didn't love him, or that at some time, he didn't love me...but in the end he didn't love me the way i wanted to be loved...to use a carrie-ism inconvenient all consuming love or something like that - that's what i want...
and at least i'm no longer afraid to admit it!
so i want the sort of love they had - real, heartfelt, passionate, lasting (of course he died so maybe it doesn't count)...
would seem that a lot of people are breaking up right now (and not that i compare myself to movie stars)...kate winslet, sandra bullock - is something in the air? does this mean something better is round the corner? my friends keep telling me there is...
so now i need to start believing it, and you know what, when i'm not sad or angry (this isn't a consistent feeling, but pops it's head up every now and again) or feeling lonely (like tonight) then i really do feel positive about what's in store for me!
coz you know what: i really deserve to be happy and i have a lot to offer...my old boss (who's known me since i was 13) said to me a coupla weeks ago that i'd make some man a fabulous wife and you know what: he's bloody well right!
so universe, i am starting to get myself ready!
i so desperately wanted that sort of love with Ben...or did I? i'm not sure i did want it with him but i know one thing for sure - i want it! maybe Ben just wasn't the right man for me...and of course that doesn't mean i didn't love him, or that at some time, he didn't love me...but in the end he didn't love me the way i wanted to be loved...to use a carrie-ism inconvenient all consuming love or something like that - that's what i want...
and at least i'm no longer afraid to admit it!
so i want the sort of love they had - real, heartfelt, passionate, lasting (of course he died so maybe it doesn't count)...
would seem that a lot of people are breaking up right now (and not that i compare myself to movie stars)...kate winslet, sandra bullock - is something in the air? does this mean something better is round the corner? my friends keep telling me there is...
so now i need to start believing it, and you know what, when i'm not sad or angry (this isn't a consistent feeling, but pops it's head up every now and again) or feeling lonely (like tonight) then i really do feel positive about what's in store for me!
coz you know what: i really deserve to be happy and i have a lot to offer...my old boss (who's known me since i was 13) said to me a coupla weeks ago that i'd make some man a fabulous wife and you know what: he's bloody well right!
so universe, i am starting to get myself ready!
a $9.5m blood red diamond....
was in my dream lastnight! i really am having some weird dreams this week and since i also started antibiotics this week, it leaves me wondering if there is some link??
so lastnight, the fabulous friends i am staying with in upstate new york were in this dream, along with my sister and my parents - in fact these friends (who are my parents age) were meeting my parents for the first time and i think we might have been at my parents (although in the dream the room i woke up in was my room...ie my room at my house!)...
following a scene where i look very unattractive (interesting, this might something else that warrants analysis, but not here!) Elliot comes out of the bathroom in only a towel (this is something he would never do in company) and PA (who is a down to earth and truly beautiful human being) arrives with all manner of very big and brightly coloured jewellery on...including a massive (and I mean massive) red stone on her wedding finger - they have recently (in real life) renewed their vows, so perhaps in my subconscious i have all of this information swirling around...
so having suggested to my parents that they meet at some point and telling them how wonderful, down to earth and simply lovely people they are, in the dream PA (when I admire her new ring) says 'isn't it wonderful, it cost $9.5 million dollars'....
gobsmacked! then of course i wake up, so i have no real idea what was going on!
on an entirely unrelated note i have installed something called VUZE so that i can download my own movies/tv shows (i used to rely on Ben to do this for me) and watched SVU on it successfully - my foxtel box failed to record SVU on Thursday night (mental note to call them and lodge a complaint as the box is certainly becoming dodgier!)....but i love the idea of it - just need to check it doesn't blow out my download time...
am on a lifestyle kick, did i mention that? i guess not....started tuesday - even weighed myself (groan) - actually didn't weigh as much as i thought i would and my goal is to lose 6 - 7 kgs before i get on the plane on 2nd june...weigh in days are tuesday's and i am aiming to exercise at least 4 times a week...
ok well i have an entire day all to myself with absolutely no plans, bar the million things on my list of things to do!
have had some great phone coaching sessions this week and despite my very obvious concerns about phone coaching, i am finding that in fact they work really WELL!!!
have a great weekend everyone xx
so lastnight, the fabulous friends i am staying with in upstate new york were in this dream, along with my sister and my parents - in fact these friends (who are my parents age) were meeting my parents for the first time and i think we might have been at my parents (although in the dream the room i woke up in was my room...ie my room at my house!)...
following a scene where i look very unattractive (interesting, this might something else that warrants analysis, but not here!) Elliot comes out of the bathroom in only a towel (this is something he would never do in company) and PA (who is a down to earth and truly beautiful human being) arrives with all manner of very big and brightly coloured jewellery on...including a massive (and I mean massive) red stone on her wedding finger - they have recently (in real life) renewed their vows, so perhaps in my subconscious i have all of this information swirling around...
so having suggested to my parents that they meet at some point and telling them how wonderful, down to earth and simply lovely people they are, in the dream PA (when I admire her new ring) says 'isn't it wonderful, it cost $9.5 million dollars'....
gobsmacked! then of course i wake up, so i have no real idea what was going on!
on an entirely unrelated note i have installed something called VUZE so that i can download my own movies/tv shows (i used to rely on Ben to do this for me) and watched SVU on it successfully - my foxtel box failed to record SVU on Thursday night (mental note to call them and lodge a complaint as the box is certainly becoming dodgier!)....but i love the idea of it - just need to check it doesn't blow out my download time...
am on a lifestyle kick, did i mention that? i guess not....started tuesday - even weighed myself (groan) - actually didn't weigh as much as i thought i would and my goal is to lose 6 - 7 kgs before i get on the plane on 2nd june...weigh in days are tuesday's and i am aiming to exercise at least 4 times a week...
ok well i have an entire day all to myself with absolutely no plans, bar the million things on my list of things to do!
have had some great phone coaching sessions this week and despite my very obvious concerns about phone coaching, i am finding that in fact they work really WELL!!!
have a great weekend everyone xx
Friday, March 19, 2010
some days it feels like a rollercoaster
one minute i'm fine, next minute i'm not and don't get me wrong, i'm not still really upset, but my mind does seem to wander...and i find myself feeling sad or lonely or angry...
so today started ok, but then as i was doing something in the kitchen i just started to feel really lonely...it really does just sneak up on me, with no apparent trigger and no warning...
then as i went to get into the shower i remembered that early on we occasionally used to shower together but as time moved on and he became more and more removed from me, he would often shut the bathroom door...i guess it made me look back over things and i realised that i had been in relationship with ben and sad for a long time :-(
and of course that realisation (which isn't new, meaning i've talked about it before) brings with it some anger - anger towards him and anger towards myself - i really did NOT put myself first and continuing to put him first to my detriment is just something i look at now and wonder...
i wonder what on earth i was thinking?
i guess what i miss most is having someone to talk to and the thought of someone being here - and i don't mean the deep emotional moving sort of talks, i just mean the talk of the everyday...coz truth is towards the end i didn't feel connected to ben in that way, after my birthday when he'd asked me if i would be happier with someone else i kind of shut off - of course it wasn't long after that we did in fact break up...but i miss being able to comment on the weather, or the bridge works or what i ate for lunch (you know, the boring minutiae of life) with someone...
actually a tightrope is probably a more accurate description with freedom at one end and loneliness at the other, and whilst i manage it well most of the time, occasionally i find myself at the loneliness end, and i don't like it!
ok, on with my day - loads of things to tick off the list today!
so today started ok, but then as i was doing something in the kitchen i just started to feel really lonely...it really does just sneak up on me, with no apparent trigger and no warning...
then as i went to get into the shower i remembered that early on we occasionally used to shower together but as time moved on and he became more and more removed from me, he would often shut the bathroom door...i guess it made me look back over things and i realised that i had been in relationship with ben and sad for a long time :-(
and of course that realisation (which isn't new, meaning i've talked about it before) brings with it some anger - anger towards him and anger towards myself - i really did NOT put myself first and continuing to put him first to my detriment is just something i look at now and wonder...
i wonder what on earth i was thinking?
i guess what i miss most is having someone to talk to and the thought of someone being here - and i don't mean the deep emotional moving sort of talks, i just mean the talk of the everyday...coz truth is towards the end i didn't feel connected to ben in that way, after my birthday when he'd asked me if i would be happier with someone else i kind of shut off - of course it wasn't long after that we did in fact break up...but i miss being able to comment on the weather, or the bridge works or what i ate for lunch (you know, the boring minutiae of life) with someone...
actually a tightrope is probably a more accurate description with freedom at one end and loneliness at the other, and whilst i manage it well most of the time, occasionally i find myself at the loneliness end, and i don't like it!
ok, on with my day - loads of things to tick off the list today!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
i had the weirdest dream lastnight...
so much so i woke up feeling quite uncomfortable...and no, it's not some bizarro sex dream but it is bizarre...
so in this dream (and i don't know where it was set) a really good family friend of ours (who is 10 years younger than me) asked me to marry him...kinda weird coz in reality he is married...in the dream he was engaged only...so he asks me to marry him, i say are you sure, he says yes...so i say yes...
then i ask him if he's told agatha (let's call her that so this remains very much anonymous) and he says not yet...
next thing you know i see agatha walking past without her rock of an engagement ring...then my 'fiance' (hilarious) gives me some makeup and i tell him i'd never wear it, and he says, oh no, i'm going to wear it on our wedding day....
complete spin out or what! so this is someone i think of as a little brother, albeit he is a massive spunk who loves cricket and the navy blues...anyway i digress, he's like a little brother to me - first time i met him he was 3 years old...
so not sure what to make of it but if i take a freudian approach then of course the wish fulfillment aspect would suggest that i do in fact want to get married someday - which is true - and you know what, it's taken me a LONG time and an amazing amount of therapy to feel ok to say that out loud!
not sure what to make of the fact that in this dream my fiance wants to wear makeup...will have to let that one go through to the keeper!
so what do you make of all of this?
should i be certified??
so in this dream (and i don't know where it was set) a really good family friend of ours (who is 10 years younger than me) asked me to marry him...kinda weird coz in reality he is married...in the dream he was engaged only...so he asks me to marry him, i say are you sure, he says yes...so i say yes...
then i ask him if he's told agatha (let's call her that so this remains very much anonymous) and he says not yet...
next thing you know i see agatha walking past without her rock of an engagement ring...then my 'fiance' (hilarious) gives me some makeup and i tell him i'd never wear it, and he says, oh no, i'm going to wear it on our wedding day....
complete spin out or what! so this is someone i think of as a little brother, albeit he is a massive spunk who loves cricket and the navy blues...anyway i digress, he's like a little brother to me - first time i met him he was 3 years old...
so not sure what to make of it but if i take a freudian approach then of course the wish fulfillment aspect would suggest that i do in fact want to get married someday - which is true - and you know what, it's taken me a LONG time and an amazing amount of therapy to feel ok to say that out loud!
not sure what to make of the fact that in this dream my fiance wants to wear makeup...will have to let that one go through to the keeper!
so what do you make of all of this?
should i be certified??
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
it's been a week of
firsts for me...
have finally managed to scrape up the courage to sleep with the windows open - doesn't sound like very much, but for me, it's a big thing...
finally went for a walk, for the first time since we broke up - also not a major thing but since we exercised together, i'd been having something of a 'block' emotionally...
and i got angry with ben - this is something i hardly ever did without the fear of what it would mean when we were together (and that's my stuff, not his)...i let my fear of what might happen dictate so much of my truth....no more!
have also done a couple of the things i've been putting off which feels good...including getting a quote for the windows to be cleaned so that i can see more clearly...it's only gonna cost $100 for all the windows in the apartment (inside and out) to be cleaned, so i figured, why the hell not!
soooo today was going so well - despite the anger i went to bed with, i managed to sleep ok, not fantastically, but ok...got some stuff done - had 2 coaching sessions, both good, picked up a few more supplies (for my health plan!), did my walk (40 minutes today and it hurt - i am sooo unfit) and then got a text from ben as i was making dinner...
so i've suggested to him that we cease contact for a while - if we still have something to say to each other at some point then maybe we should do so in person - i don't want to keep feeling the pull towards him when a text comes in and seriously, what could i possibly have to say to him that i haven't already said? well maybe quite a bit as it seems i still have some anger - although from my meditation class monday night i have realised that my anger hurts me and others so really it's not something i want to cultivate..
truth is though i am angry with ben - for not being honest with me until it was too late, and i'm angry with myself too for having stayed so long and crucifying myself in the process...but really it would do me good to let go of that anger - but does letting go mean forgiving??? so sure, i can forgive myself for the reason it took me so long to make the decision was simply my journey...but can i forgive ben? and if i can't forgive him, can i let go of the anger? good question...guess if i frame it as 'he maybe couldn't be honest with himself, so how could he be honest with me' that makes it more palatable - but you know what? it really doesn't....
sooo from this moment on it's forwards for me...hanging onto the seeming security blanket of the occasional text and email has got to be put behind me...of course this is no easy task - when you spend nearly 2 years with someone and love and care for them, it's hard to let that go entirely....
so universe if you are listening, please support me as i do this, please look out for me as i take each day as it comes and focus on me and my life, and please look out for ben....
have finally managed to scrape up the courage to sleep with the windows open - doesn't sound like very much, but for me, it's a big thing...
finally went for a walk, for the first time since we broke up - also not a major thing but since we exercised together, i'd been having something of a 'block' emotionally...
and i got angry with ben - this is something i hardly ever did without the fear of what it would mean when we were together (and that's my stuff, not his)...i let my fear of what might happen dictate so much of my truth....no more!
have also done a couple of the things i've been putting off which feels good...including getting a quote for the windows to be cleaned so that i can see more clearly...it's only gonna cost $100 for all the windows in the apartment (inside and out) to be cleaned, so i figured, why the hell not!
soooo today was going so well - despite the anger i went to bed with, i managed to sleep ok, not fantastically, but ok...got some stuff done - had 2 coaching sessions, both good, picked up a few more supplies (for my health plan!), did my walk (40 minutes today and it hurt - i am sooo unfit) and then got a text from ben as i was making dinner...
so i've suggested to him that we cease contact for a while - if we still have something to say to each other at some point then maybe we should do so in person - i don't want to keep feeling the pull towards him when a text comes in and seriously, what could i possibly have to say to him that i haven't already said? well maybe quite a bit as it seems i still have some anger - although from my meditation class monday night i have realised that my anger hurts me and others so really it's not something i want to cultivate..
truth is though i am angry with ben - for not being honest with me until it was too late, and i'm angry with myself too for having stayed so long and crucifying myself in the process...but really it would do me good to let go of that anger - but does letting go mean forgiving??? so sure, i can forgive myself for the reason it took me so long to make the decision was simply my journey...but can i forgive ben? and if i can't forgive him, can i let go of the anger? good question...guess if i frame it as 'he maybe couldn't be honest with himself, so how could he be honest with me' that makes it more palatable - but you know what? it really doesn't....
sooo from this moment on it's forwards for me...hanging onto the seeming security blanket of the occasional text and email has got to be put behind me...of course this is no easy task - when you spend nearly 2 years with someone and love and care for them, it's hard to let that go entirely....
so universe if you are listening, please support me as i do this, please look out for me as i take each day as it comes and focus on me and my life, and please look out for ben....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
seething is the only
word i have for what i'm feeling right now...so i get some obscure text from ben (which turns out to be an excerpt from one of my novels in progress - turns out he has some of my stuff on a usb stick)...then a few texts later he asks me if i told centrelink he'd moved...like i'd do such a thing
i'm so angry it's a good job he's not here coz i would take a swing at him...what an idiot - having spent nearly 2 years together surely he knows what sort of person i am - in no way is it my business to update centrelink with his address - not only no business of mine but not my responsibility
and instead of just coming out and asking me he skirts around it and then lobs it in - just like in our relationship - he didn't have the balls to end our relationship even when he knew it wasn't working...noooo, like everything, i had to fucking do it
what an idiot i am - how could i let my feelings for him over rule what i knew to be the truth? well i know why and he probably has no clue, but irrespective it's not something i can share here...i did however share it with my therapist on saturday and she was not surprised that in the end, it took me so long
how could i have been so stupid - to put him ahead of me all that time and not see that to him i was, well actually, i don't really know what i was to him...then he says he wants his best friend back - well i can tell you, none of my best friends would ever treat me with the sort of disregard that he showed me, and none of them would accuse me of dobbing them in to centrelink...
i think this is the final straw - a sign from the universe perhaps - i hadn't heard from him since saturday night and i was starting to feel ok about things, and now this...
i'm so angry it's a good job he's not here coz i would take a swing at him...what an idiot - having spent nearly 2 years together surely he knows what sort of person i am - in no way is it my business to update centrelink with his address - not only no business of mine but not my responsibility
and instead of just coming out and asking me he skirts around it and then lobs it in - just like in our relationship - he didn't have the balls to end our relationship even when he knew it wasn't working...noooo, like everything, i had to fucking do it
what an idiot i am - how could i let my feelings for him over rule what i knew to be the truth? well i know why and he probably has no clue, but irrespective it's not something i can share here...i did however share it with my therapist on saturday and she was not surprised that in the end, it took me so long
how could i have been so stupid - to put him ahead of me all that time and not see that to him i was, well actually, i don't really know what i was to him...then he says he wants his best friend back - well i can tell you, none of my best friends would ever treat me with the sort of disregard that he showed me, and none of them would accuse me of dobbing them in to centrelink...
i think this is the final straw - a sign from the universe perhaps - i hadn't heard from him since saturday night and i was starting to feel ok about things, and now this...
Monday, March 15, 2010
i'm sad and angry and not liking the
reality that is now my life...
so of course making a decision to end a relationship is in itself not very easy - then there's the shock of what you've done, then there's the trying to re-build your life without them in it...those bits seem to have gone ok (well bar the months and months i spent working out what i really wanted)...
so now, some 7 weeks on, why do i feel so flat? the freedom that i had been starting to enjoy is now starting to feel like something else? and i can't quite put my finger on it - of course i still have that freedom, but now it feels, in some ways, like punishment...punishment for making the only decision i could...
so the reality of the situation is now becoming almost painfully clear and the reality is this (the negative side only, coz there are many positives, which until i'd started this post, i was finding hard to remember): i am on my own again...this is not somewhere i wanted to be...and there are aspects of it that i really don't like....
soooo how do i put myself back into that positive space - do i in fact need to put myself back there or would i be better served by simply acknowledging where i am right now, how i feel right now and sitting with it?
i know what my therapist would say!
so of course making a decision to end a relationship is in itself not very easy - then there's the shock of what you've done, then there's the trying to re-build your life without them in it...those bits seem to have gone ok (well bar the months and months i spent working out what i really wanted)...
so now, some 7 weeks on, why do i feel so flat? the freedom that i had been starting to enjoy is now starting to feel like something else? and i can't quite put my finger on it - of course i still have that freedom, but now it feels, in some ways, like punishment...punishment for making the only decision i could...
so the reality of the situation is now becoming almost painfully clear and the reality is this (the negative side only, coz there are many positives, which until i'd started this post, i was finding hard to remember): i am on my own again...this is not somewhere i wanted to be...and there are aspects of it that i really don't like....
soooo how do i put myself back into that positive space - do i in fact need to put myself back there or would i be better served by simply acknowledging where i am right now, how i feel right now and sitting with it?
i know what my therapist would say!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
sundays really are the hardest
and not like there was any special significance of sundays when ben and i were together, although towards the end it was the day we had (at my insistence) set aside to get out and explore - go somewhere we'd never been before, go to the beach etc....
perhaps it's coz it's the end of a week (or the start depending on how you look at it) and it's a reflection or the fact that now the shock and enormity of what i have done is wearing off and what i am left with (despite me being comfortable with the decision i made and all the reasons that got me there) is the reality of living my life alone....at least for the time being....and you know what, that makes me sad...
i didn't take any sort of sleeping tablet the last 2 nights and this morning i woke up feeling woeful - more likely due to the sinus infection i have that i've been pretending isn't there...i've really gotta get some antibiotics and try and knock it on it's head as the permanent headache i think is more a function of my sinuses than the neck pain i have been having...that has eased somewhat - slept on my back lastnight and rubbed in voltaren gel before bed - all good!
so anyway, i'm sad is what i was writing about and perhaps the start of the NRL season has heightened that? perhaps not? not like ben showed much interest in football (or any sport for that matter) as our relationship neared the end...in fact he didn't show much interest in anything, including me...that's pretty sad too :-(
it's funny though, even when i am sad now he is still the first person i think to go to for comfort, and yet, for some time, even whilst we were together, he wasnt' the comfort i so desperately wanted and a large part of that was me knowing that things weren't working and that he didn't want to be there - even though when asked, he always said he did...but the reality is this: he couldn't be honest with himself, and worse, he couldn't be honest with me...when i asked him if he loved me, if he was in love with me, if he wanted a life together...he always said yes - why couldn't he have been honest with me? why couldn't he? seriously? i crucified myself for months wondering what more i could have done - i wonder if he has put himself through the same misery...i doubt it...
soooo here i am! 41 and fabulous! not in a relationship, but not feeling as alone as i did the last few months with him...hopeful that the man of my dreams is around the corner, hopeful that i continue to heal and learn and stay open to love...
sooo on that note, methinks it's time for a cup of tea and an early night...
au revoir xx
perhaps it's coz it's the end of a week (or the start depending on how you look at it) and it's a reflection or the fact that now the shock and enormity of what i have done is wearing off and what i am left with (despite me being comfortable with the decision i made and all the reasons that got me there) is the reality of living my life alone....at least for the time being....and you know what, that makes me sad...
i didn't take any sort of sleeping tablet the last 2 nights and this morning i woke up feeling woeful - more likely due to the sinus infection i have that i've been pretending isn't there...i've really gotta get some antibiotics and try and knock it on it's head as the permanent headache i think is more a function of my sinuses than the neck pain i have been having...that has eased somewhat - slept on my back lastnight and rubbed in voltaren gel before bed - all good!
so anyway, i'm sad is what i was writing about and perhaps the start of the NRL season has heightened that? perhaps not? not like ben showed much interest in football (or any sport for that matter) as our relationship neared the end...in fact he didn't show much interest in anything, including me...that's pretty sad too :-(
it's funny though, even when i am sad now he is still the first person i think to go to for comfort, and yet, for some time, even whilst we were together, he wasnt' the comfort i so desperately wanted and a large part of that was me knowing that things weren't working and that he didn't want to be there - even though when asked, he always said he did...but the reality is this: he couldn't be honest with himself, and worse, he couldn't be honest with me...when i asked him if he loved me, if he was in love with me, if he wanted a life together...he always said yes - why couldn't he have been honest with me? why couldn't he? seriously? i crucified myself for months wondering what more i could have done - i wonder if he has put himself through the same misery...i doubt it...
soooo here i am! 41 and fabulous! not in a relationship, but not feeling as alone as i did the last few months with him...hopeful that the man of my dreams is around the corner, hopeful that i continue to heal and learn and stay open to love...
sooo on that note, methinks it's time for a cup of tea and an early night...
au revoir xx
Friday, March 12, 2010
so i've found a link
between how i feel in the morning and whether or not i have taken any sort of sleeping tablet the night before...not rocket science i realise, but i haven't slept well the last three nights - actually not true - i have really struggled to get to sleep so have caved in and taken 1/4 of a tablet - and you know what? each of the mornings after i take this i wake up feeling not so much groggy as a wee bit slow and it takes me some time to find my good mood setting....
soooo do you think it's possible that sleeping tablets are mood altering??
had a good day actually - finished the 3rd of my 3 days training with this company i'm going to be working for and they offered me 2 days of work throughout april, which is exactly what i had hoped would happen :-)
on the way home dropped by my favourite clothes shop and bought a top and jacket, then came home, went to officeworks and picked up some stuff, then cooked myself dinner and had a relaxing night at home...
pedicure with best friend tomorrow, followed by french movie, sunday with another best friend followed by french movie (seeing a theme here?)...so a nice weekend planned!
enjoy yours :-)
soooo do you think it's possible that sleeping tablets are mood altering??
had a good day actually - finished the 3rd of my 3 days training with this company i'm going to be working for and they offered me 2 days of work throughout april, which is exactly what i had hoped would happen :-)
on the way home dropped by my favourite clothes shop and bought a top and jacket, then came home, went to officeworks and picked up some stuff, then cooked myself dinner and had a relaxing night at home...
pedicure with best friend tomorrow, followed by french movie, sunday with another best friend followed by french movie (seeing a theme here?)...so a nice weekend planned!
enjoy yours :-)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
today was kinda hard...
and i'm not really sure why! although there are some contributing factors....
caught up with 3 friends that i haven't seen since the break-up so of course there was the inevitable 'are you ok?', 'what happened?' etc - all of course with great intentions, but i guess i find sometimes i get sad when i talk about it all, and of course it's becoming more obvious to me as i move forward, that it was never going to work with ben and not because i didn't love him or care for him, and not because i didn't want it to, but because we simply did not want the same things....
i remember saying to him a while before we broke up during one of our many conversations 'do you think loving each other is enough?'...he kind of looked at me funny and even as i said it i wasn't entirely sure what i meant, but it's now becoming very clear to me...
what i meant is that when you love someone but don't want the same things and need to be loved in different ways, it's very hard to continue in a way where both people can be happy....
so i'm a bit sad today - despite having had a good day, which ended fantastically as i caught up with a new girlfriend (meaning a recently acquired one) who's in Sydney for work - we had a couple of drinks, a great and very open chat - but the reality of coming home to an empty house on my own feels very real right now - my 'aloneness' is palpable...and i don't like it!
perhaps i should have done meditation this week, perhaps it's coz i've had to resort to a sleeping tablet the last 2 nites and consequently i'm really tired, perhaps it's coz my neck is really sore (pillow problems combined with car accident the other week)....perhaps it's just part of the grieving process...anyway, what i know is that it will pass...
soo lots going on, including a lot on my mind...let's hope that tomorrow provides a different perspective!
nite x
caught up with 3 friends that i haven't seen since the break-up so of course there was the inevitable 'are you ok?', 'what happened?' etc - all of course with great intentions, but i guess i find sometimes i get sad when i talk about it all, and of course it's becoming more obvious to me as i move forward, that it was never going to work with ben and not because i didn't love him or care for him, and not because i didn't want it to, but because we simply did not want the same things....
i remember saying to him a while before we broke up during one of our many conversations 'do you think loving each other is enough?'...he kind of looked at me funny and even as i said it i wasn't entirely sure what i meant, but it's now becoming very clear to me...
what i meant is that when you love someone but don't want the same things and need to be loved in different ways, it's very hard to continue in a way where both people can be happy....
so i'm a bit sad today - despite having had a good day, which ended fantastically as i caught up with a new girlfriend (meaning a recently acquired one) who's in Sydney for work - we had a couple of drinks, a great and very open chat - but the reality of coming home to an empty house on my own feels very real right now - my 'aloneness' is palpable...and i don't like it!
perhaps i should have done meditation this week, perhaps it's coz i've had to resort to a sleeping tablet the last 2 nites and consequently i'm really tired, perhaps it's coz my neck is really sore (pillow problems combined with car accident the other week)....perhaps it's just part of the grieving process...anyway, what i know is that it will pass...
soo lots going on, including a lot on my mind...let's hope that tomorrow provides a different perspective!
nite x
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
every day i get to do this work is a
celebration...
this was my answer to a great question today! today was a very coaching intensive day, not that this should be a surprise since i am in fact, a coach! but i was coached by two different people today...great thing about getting this coaching is that it's helped me become clearer on some things i need to do and it was also great to talk about some of the 'stuff' that's been going around in my head - stuff about my business that is, and stuff i probably needed to talk about earlier than today...
anyway i digress! so at the end of the 2nd of these sessions (the 2 sessions were with 2 different coaches) my 'coach' asked me how i was going to celebrate when i reached my goal - and what i said is this: "every day i get to do this work is a celebration....sure i could buy a book or some nice shoes or perhaps even treat myself to something material, but really, every day i wake up and am able to do this work is already a celebration" and by this work i mean coaching, counselling, helping people lead happier and more fulfilling lives....and it's so true!
i am truly fortunate and priveleged and i try not to forget that - and sure i have bad days, and sure there are days when it's not all coming together how i'd like, and other days when the people i think i might work with don't work the way i do so i end up feeling frustrated etc...but that's normal right? when you are setting up a business this is all normal stuff..but i don't let that stuff get in the way of the fact that i am living my dream...
every day i work with people, every time i have a positive impact on someone's life, every day i get to work with who i want and pretty much when i want - what more could i want?
actually in my work space probably only one thing: more clients! coz then i can do more of what i love :-)
and in my personal life, well, in time, and when i'm ready (and i'm on the mend) to meet that special someone - that special man who will love me for who i am and what i'm passionate about, who will lsupport me and look out for me, who will be on my side, who will be there for me and let me be there for him, to share my life with (and by life i mean my life and the things in my life that are important to me), to live my life with, to explore the world with, who holds my values dear to his heart (coz they are his values to), who cares about people, who wants to make the world a better place to live in, who gets that success isn't about money but about fulfillment and meaning, who will have integrity and passion and dreams, who will value a life shared, who is loving and can be loved, who is capable of great feeling, who is kind and compassionate, who wants to live a meaningful life...
i could go on, but i won't - i'll continue to refine what it is that i want and i'll continue to hold onto the dream that he is out there for me somewhere - and i'm not ready yet but i know that one day i will be....
this was my answer to a great question today! today was a very coaching intensive day, not that this should be a surprise since i am in fact, a coach! but i was coached by two different people today...great thing about getting this coaching is that it's helped me become clearer on some things i need to do and it was also great to talk about some of the 'stuff' that's been going around in my head - stuff about my business that is, and stuff i probably needed to talk about earlier than today...
anyway i digress! so at the end of the 2nd of these sessions (the 2 sessions were with 2 different coaches) my 'coach' asked me how i was going to celebrate when i reached my goal - and what i said is this: "every day i get to do this work is a celebration....sure i could buy a book or some nice shoes or perhaps even treat myself to something material, but really, every day i wake up and am able to do this work is already a celebration" and by this work i mean coaching, counselling, helping people lead happier and more fulfilling lives....and it's so true!
i am truly fortunate and priveleged and i try not to forget that - and sure i have bad days, and sure there are days when it's not all coming together how i'd like, and other days when the people i think i might work with don't work the way i do so i end up feeling frustrated etc...but that's normal right? when you are setting up a business this is all normal stuff..but i don't let that stuff get in the way of the fact that i am living my dream...
every day i work with people, every time i have a positive impact on someone's life, every day i get to work with who i want and pretty much when i want - what more could i want?
actually in my work space probably only one thing: more clients! coz then i can do more of what i love :-)
and in my personal life, well, in time, and when i'm ready (and i'm on the mend) to meet that special someone - that special man who will love me for who i am and what i'm passionate about, who will lsupport me and look out for me, who will be on my side, who will be there for me and let me be there for him, to share my life with (and by life i mean my life and the things in my life that are important to me), to live my life with, to explore the world with, who holds my values dear to his heart (coz they are his values to), who cares about people, who wants to make the world a better place to live in, who gets that success isn't about money but about fulfillment and meaning, who will have integrity and passion and dreams, who will value a life shared, who is loving and can be loved, who is capable of great feeling, who is kind and compassionate, who wants to live a meaningful life...
i could go on, but i won't - i'll continue to refine what it is that i want and i'll continue to hold onto the dream that he is out there for me somewhere - and i'm not ready yet but i know that one day i will be....
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
happy anniversary....not
so today is a difficult day and one i have been dreading for some time, although bar a bad start, i seem to have gotten through it ok...
see today would have been my 2 year anniversary of being with ben and to me, it represented something of a milestone, as i guess all anniversaries do in their way...
so i got up a bit later than expected, having woken up after having a horrible nightmare...cancelled all my meetings bar my midday client and my afternoon with leah - i felt it was important to do something so that i didn't sit around moping, and i enjoyed both the things i did, which is good...
i am however, not inclined to go to meditation, which is unlike me as i know it will be relaxing and i will learn something but i am sooo tired that i just want to crawl onto the couch and feed my senses with tv...
is that bad? so that's exactly what i'm going to do - i keep telling my clients to be kinder to themselves and my good friends keep telling me to go gently, so rather than forcing myself out of the house, i am going to take some of my mum's lamb and potato curry (yum) out of the freezer, put on some jim jams and have a night in...
meditation will still be there next week...
i was also (and only briefly) talking to leah about the 'decision' i feel i need to make about my contact with ben - and she said 'why make a decision at all'?...which has given me food for thought...
so perhaps i'm just going to go with the flow and not make any conscious decisions...if we want to talk then we will, if we don't then we won't etc...
so pressure is off and whilst ben might actually be waiting for me to advise him of my decision, i'm not going to be pressured - and if you are reading this ben, then it's not out of disrespect for you, but the reason i am struggling to make a decision is because it's hard....so rather than just make a decision for the sake of doing so, i'm going to just sit with it...
sooo i'm off now to change into my jim jams, to make a cup of tea and to prepare for my evening in...
tomorrow my chandelier goes up - let's hope it works!
see today would have been my 2 year anniversary of being with ben and to me, it represented something of a milestone, as i guess all anniversaries do in their way...
so i got up a bit later than expected, having woken up after having a horrible nightmare...cancelled all my meetings bar my midday client and my afternoon with leah - i felt it was important to do something so that i didn't sit around moping, and i enjoyed both the things i did, which is good...
i am however, not inclined to go to meditation, which is unlike me as i know it will be relaxing and i will learn something but i am sooo tired that i just want to crawl onto the couch and feed my senses with tv...
is that bad? so that's exactly what i'm going to do - i keep telling my clients to be kinder to themselves and my good friends keep telling me to go gently, so rather than forcing myself out of the house, i am going to take some of my mum's lamb and potato curry (yum) out of the freezer, put on some jim jams and have a night in...
meditation will still be there next week...
i was also (and only briefly) talking to leah about the 'decision' i feel i need to make about my contact with ben - and she said 'why make a decision at all'?...which has given me food for thought...
so perhaps i'm just going to go with the flow and not make any conscious decisions...if we want to talk then we will, if we don't then we won't etc...
so pressure is off and whilst ben might actually be waiting for me to advise him of my decision, i'm not going to be pressured - and if you are reading this ben, then it's not out of disrespect for you, but the reason i am struggling to make a decision is because it's hard....so rather than just make a decision for the sake of doing so, i'm going to just sit with it...
sooo i'm off now to change into my jim jams, to make a cup of tea and to prepare for my evening in...
tomorrow my chandelier goes up - let's hope it works!
Monday, March 8, 2010
i have seen 2 beautiful movies
in 2 days...
yesterday 'blind side' (and i'm just thrilled to see that sandra bullock, who i love, won an oscar for her amazing performance) and tonight 'hedgehog' a french movie which was just beautiful - in a way only french movies can be beautiful...
i'll be getting hedgehog on dvd whenever i can get my hands on it...beautiful, simple, free of the american 'plot'...delectable - i'd see it again over and over and over and over...
on an entirely unrelated note, i have a decision to make in the next few days and aside from the decision to end my relationship with ben, it's proving to be a very difficult one to make.....and here's me thinking that the year of the tiger was supposed to be easier than the year of the ox...perhaps my year ain't done with yet...
so universe, as i try and decide what's right for me, please guide me in making the right decision...i seem to be ok when i'm busy and when i'm doing things i love (of which there are many), but as i come to the end of each day i find it difficult to crawl into bed without him...even when things weren't great with us, some of my favourite memories are of our in bed chats - i can't even remember what most of them were about but i guess that's the point - they don't have to be about anything in particular to mean something....
anyway i have to get into bed - i have a big day tomorrow and i really need a good nights sleep...
so universe, please guide me through this decision - yet another decision i really don't want to make....
yesterday 'blind side' (and i'm just thrilled to see that sandra bullock, who i love, won an oscar for her amazing performance) and tonight 'hedgehog' a french movie which was just beautiful - in a way only french movies can be beautiful...
i'll be getting hedgehog on dvd whenever i can get my hands on it...beautiful, simple, free of the american 'plot'...delectable - i'd see it again over and over and over and over...
on an entirely unrelated note, i have a decision to make in the next few days and aside from the decision to end my relationship with ben, it's proving to be a very difficult one to make.....and here's me thinking that the year of the tiger was supposed to be easier than the year of the ox...perhaps my year ain't done with yet...
so universe, as i try and decide what's right for me, please guide me in making the right decision...i seem to be ok when i'm busy and when i'm doing things i love (of which there are many), but as i come to the end of each day i find it difficult to crawl into bed without him...even when things weren't great with us, some of my favourite memories are of our in bed chats - i can't even remember what most of them were about but i guess that's the point - they don't have to be about anything in particular to mean something....
anyway i have to get into bed - i have a big day tomorrow and i really need a good nights sleep...
so universe, please guide me through this decision - yet another decision i really don't want to make....
Sunday, March 7, 2010
despite a great day
yesterday, i'm feeling very flat today and a wee bit jaded...
i feel as though ben and i are very close to ceasing all communication and then of course he says that he wants his best friend back - and i guess, if i'm honest, so do i, but i didn't spend nearly 2 years in a relationship with him coz i wanted a best friend...i wanted so much more and when i think that i am missing him, i am missing that friendship and companionship which he is also missing, but where to from here?
seriously, what does one do in these situations? i am not happy to have just a friendship (and given the intimacy of our previous relationship, could not do this without mental torture and heartache for me)...so what do we do? do we cut off all communication so we can both move on with our lives, even though, and i'm sure it normal when you've been with someone for a significant period of time, to not want to 'move on' as it were?
what does move on really mean? i mean every day since we've broken up i wake up, the sun is shining, the world continues to go on and life really does go on - and i've done my best to embrace that...i've started meditation classes, i've joined a bookclub (and whilst i didn't go last month coz the book they chose wasn't what i would ever read - maybe that's why i should have read it!), i'm spending more time with friends and throwing myself into work...but there is still that wall of loneliness to confront when i come home - and it's getting better, it is, but truth is, i really do want to be in a relationship - for years i'd thought i wouldn't be any good at relationships, but i know now, that in fact, I am...
so, perhaps it's because i'm tired and haven't slept well for 3 nights, perhaps it's because i'm not at home (and i like being at home), perhaps it's because i did have a good day yesterday at my former bosses annual conference, perhaps it's because i met a nice bloke yesterday who i spent some time chatting to at the end of the night....
anyway, perhaps it doesn't matter why i feel like this, perhaps I just have to sit with it...
i feel as though ben and i are very close to ceasing all communication and then of course he says that he wants his best friend back - and i guess, if i'm honest, so do i, but i didn't spend nearly 2 years in a relationship with him coz i wanted a best friend...i wanted so much more and when i think that i am missing him, i am missing that friendship and companionship which he is also missing, but where to from here?
seriously, what does one do in these situations? i am not happy to have just a friendship (and given the intimacy of our previous relationship, could not do this without mental torture and heartache for me)...so what do we do? do we cut off all communication so we can both move on with our lives, even though, and i'm sure it normal when you've been with someone for a significant period of time, to not want to 'move on' as it were?
what does move on really mean? i mean every day since we've broken up i wake up, the sun is shining, the world continues to go on and life really does go on - and i've done my best to embrace that...i've started meditation classes, i've joined a bookclub (and whilst i didn't go last month coz the book they chose wasn't what i would ever read - maybe that's why i should have read it!), i'm spending more time with friends and throwing myself into work...but there is still that wall of loneliness to confront when i come home - and it's getting better, it is, but truth is, i really do want to be in a relationship - for years i'd thought i wouldn't be any good at relationships, but i know now, that in fact, I am...
so, perhaps it's because i'm tired and haven't slept well for 3 nights, perhaps it's because i'm not at home (and i like being at home), perhaps it's because i did have a good day yesterday at my former bosses annual conference, perhaps it's because i met a nice bloke yesterday who i spent some time chatting to at the end of the night....
anyway, perhaps it doesn't matter why i feel like this, perhaps I just have to sit with it...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
so just when i think i am moving
forward, something happens to test me...
take friday - i organise a group of girls to go to the theatre, go for dinner beforehand and generally have a FANTASTIC evening - when i get home there is a msg with a sad face in it...
today i get home feeling good and after nearly 3 weeks of no mail, there is mail for ben...
some days it's really hard to not be sad about this stuff, but it is getting easier...
take friday - i organise a group of girls to go to the theatre, go for dinner beforehand and generally have a FANTASTIC evening - when i get home there is a msg with a sad face in it...
today i get home feeling good and after nearly 3 weeks of no mail, there is mail for ben...
some days it's really hard to not be sad about this stuff, but it is getting easier...
what a lovely start to my day...
so this might be a bit lengthy...
yesterday i met up with a former westpac colleague who has become a friend - actually virtually from the time we met, we got on really well...
so we hadn't caught up for a while and yesterday we had lunch - it was lovely...nice to catch up on a lot of news, to chat and just to hang out...
so of course we talk about my recent break-up coz she's keen to know how i am doing etc etc...and she say to me 'i don't want to say i told you so but do you remember that conversation...?' etc etc
so essentially she tells me 'she told me so' - see a few months into things i was having a rough time with something and i sort of mentioned it to her without going into any details - of course now i can't even remember what it was all about...
she asked me then what my friends and family had said following the break up - i said nothing really - and that most people had simply been concerned for me etc...so she says she's sorry, that she shouldn't have said anaything and i just said, i get it, it's fine etc etc but of course a part of me was thinking that it's easier when people don't offer their views, even when they come from a place of good intention, which hers did...
sooo now to the good bit - the start of my day today - i see my phone flashing with her number before 9am this morning and i pick up...she starts by saying she's sorry and that she shouldn't have done the i told you so - when i said it was fine, it was just her caring for me and not wanting to be hurt, she says (something like this) no, actually it's because i have you on a pedestal - i think you are amazing, capable, articulate etc and i judged him as someone who wasn't your equal....
amazing! and how lovely of her to realise that what she said might not have been what i wanted to hear and possibly hurtful...i was really touched that she chose to call and to say sorry...so i told her that she should hurry up and join my on the pedestal as some days the view up here ain't that great!
yesterday i met up with a former westpac colleague who has become a friend - actually virtually from the time we met, we got on really well...
so we hadn't caught up for a while and yesterday we had lunch - it was lovely...nice to catch up on a lot of news, to chat and just to hang out...
so of course we talk about my recent break-up coz she's keen to know how i am doing etc etc...and she say to me 'i don't want to say i told you so but do you remember that conversation...?' etc etc
so essentially she tells me 'she told me so' - see a few months into things i was having a rough time with something and i sort of mentioned it to her without going into any details - of course now i can't even remember what it was all about...
she asked me then what my friends and family had said following the break up - i said nothing really - and that most people had simply been concerned for me etc...so she says she's sorry, that she shouldn't have said anaything and i just said, i get it, it's fine etc etc but of course a part of me was thinking that it's easier when people don't offer their views, even when they come from a place of good intention, which hers did...
sooo now to the good bit - the start of my day today - i see my phone flashing with her number before 9am this morning and i pick up...she starts by saying she's sorry and that she shouldn't have done the i told you so - when i said it was fine, it was just her caring for me and not wanting to be hurt, she says (something like this) no, actually it's because i have you on a pedestal - i think you are amazing, capable, articulate etc and i judged him as someone who wasn't your equal....
amazing! and how lovely of her to realise that what she said might not have been what i wanted to hear and possibly hurtful...i was really touched that she chose to call and to say sorry...so i told her that she should hurry up and join my on the pedestal as some days the view up here ain't that great!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
very exciting...
my trip to paris is booked and confirmed following a quick call to the reservations desk...
my leadership client has said he is getting value from the work we do together and would like to sign up for another 8 sessions - very exciting! more exciting is to see the progress he's making....
so the up and down day may well end on an up, even though i have a fair bit of sadness and 'what if's' right now...
perhaps a new book might help??
my leadership client has said he is getting value from the work we do together and would like to sign up for another 8 sessions - very exciting! more exciting is to see the progress he's making....
so the up and down day may well end on an up, even though i have a fair bit of sadness and 'what if's' right now...
perhaps a new book might help??
and the sadness continues
today :-( i just feel so sad today and even though i've had a good day (coffee with a friend and lunch with another, and a call from another before that) i just feel flat...
my lunch friend told me that when she was sad and worried she wouldn't meet anyone her Dad used to say (in portugese which of course means it won't sound as good in english) that 'there is a lid for every pot'...i kind of like that
i just hope that when i'm not feeling so sad and when i'm not still hurt and missing ben and when i feel ready again, my lid comes along!
on a more positive note, even though i don't feel very positive right now, autumn has arrived and did so with a bang! yesterday was cool and wet and for the first night in what feels like ages i reached for the winter doona...
and when i blow dried my hair this morning it didn't go frizzy - gotta love autumn!!!
my lunch friend told me that when she was sad and worried she wouldn't meet anyone her Dad used to say (in portugese which of course means it won't sound as good in english) that 'there is a lid for every pot'...i kind of like that
i just hope that when i'm not feeling so sad and when i'm not still hurt and missing ben and when i feel ready again, my lid comes along!
on a more positive note, even though i don't feel very positive right now, autumn has arrived and did so with a bang! yesterday was cool and wet and for the first night in what feels like ages i reached for the winter doona...
and when i blow dried my hair this morning it didn't go frizzy - gotta love autumn!!!
Monday, March 1, 2010
i feel really lonely today...
probably because tomorrow would be 2 years to the day that ben and i first spoke and 9th march (next week) would be our 2 yr anniversary....
me sad :-(
me sad :-(
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