the only word i have right now...
so ben and i finally talk - it's been 3 weeks - it was weird - his voice sounded so different...so he tells me some stuff that has not only really upset me but makes me realise that it was no wonder we didn't make it - things that relate to something that happened some 3 months into our relationship that he says made him think differently about me...
so i ask him why he didn't bring it up and he says he didn't want to hurt my feelings! yeah, coz how i'm feeling right now is so deliriously fucking happy...
my god i'm angry - i'm angry, shocked, and incredulous (there's a word i haven't used in a while) that he could have spent 20 months with me and not said anything - and then, as if to make me feel worse, he drudges up other so called incidents that he never mentioned...and i begin to see why we aren't together...
communication is KEY in relationships - being able to be honest with yourself, being able to be honest with your partner and being able to talk through things to resolution - rather than holding on to them and talking about them when it's all over...seriously, why is it so hard to get communication right...
no wonder that for months before we broke up i felt we were drifting apart and that we had no connection - no wonder that EVERYTHING i tried to do didn't work, what hope did i have when he couldn't be honest with me...
and i get that it's hard coz it was hard for me too - one of the things about my relationship with ben that stands out is that in order for me to break up with him, i had to truly find my voice and put myself first - and this sounds weird i know, and kind of ironic, but it's true...
so i'm now sad - but angry too - and perhaps that anger will help me...and it's funny coz i have tried really hard to go about this in a respectful and grown up way, but inside my head all i can hear is a voice that is screaming 'get fucked'....
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