it's just so hard...

which i guess is why it took me so long to come to the decision i did...

not that i am naive enough to think that break-ups are easy: on the contrary...but i thought that 2 weeks on i might be feeling better and not so sad...

truth is i AM doing better than i was, but the hurt hits me in waves - one minute i feel good, and then i realise that i'm not gonna wake up...

and don't get me wrong - things weren't fantastic for some time, but they weren't bad either (in fact some things were still good) and i keep thinking that if i hated ben or was angry with him it would help me...truth is i don't hate him and i'm not really angry...i'm just sad, and come tomorrow, when my mum goes home (meaning i'll be on my own for the first time since it all happened) i'm gonna find it really hard...

i know that everyone says time heals (i even say it) and i know that it's gonna take me time to get back on my feet, but there is a HUGE part of me that just wants to wake up when i feel good again...when i'm not scared to go out on my own, when i don't wake up in a cold sweat realising what i did, when i no longer reminded of him and our relationship together by sooo many things - silly little things - but those things that are the fabric of relationships - the language we shared, our little rituals, the names we had for each other, our tea drinking, his shoes under the table - all of which i miss terribly...

and right now i just CAN'T imagine that i'm gonna feel better, that i'm gonna be able to move on or that i'm not gonna feel scared about what my future holds...

all i know is that i hope the universe has something amazing in store for me - the last year has been a year of enormous growth and a lot of grieving - a lot of courage, and a lot of sadness...surely something good must come of this time?

what i am hoping is that 'this too shall pass'....