so back when Ben and i first started going out he told me about a movie he watched and about a line in the movie that really resonated with him...something about the indifference of good men being worse than whatever evil men do...
anyway, what occurs to me now (in fact it occurred to me well over a week ago) is that, in the end, Ben was actually indifferent to me...
no wonder I sensed that something was wrong, no wonder I felt starved of affection and the sort of love that I wanted and deserved, no wonder I went to sleep crying so many nights before we parted...
in many ways it would have been easier to part had he been mean to me - at least then I could be angry with him, but in many ways i simply feel angry with myself for letting myself stay in a relationship where the person I loved most in the world, the person whose needs I put ahead of mine, the person I wanted to be loved by, was simply indifferent to me and all I had to offer...
makes me really really sad...
it's true what they say: some people really don't know a good thing when it's right in front of them...
i don't know how long my grieving process is gonna take and i'm doing all i can to get through this difficult time (work, catching up with friends, joined a book club, gonna try do a 2 hour meditation class each week, looking into joining a tennis comp, work etc) but I know that getting over the fact that Ben's indifference to me and our relationship is gonna take some time...coz you know what: it really bloody hurts...
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