i now have actually feels like a sense of loss and lack of direction....
sounds weird right? but for so long i had to organise stuff and i felt responsible (note use of word felt, this was not imposed on me other than by myself) for so much and now all i have to be responsible for is me...
and whilst that represents freedom it also represents a loss and now i'm starting to see why it was so hard to give it up - and don't get me wrong, taking on that amount of responsibility was at times crippling and drove me nuts, but perhaps i had defined myself by it?
which is kinda interesting as if i am to define myself, then intellectually at least, i wouldn't make any reference to taking on responsibility for someone else's happiness as one of my things...
helping others to lead happy and fulfilling lives sure....
so as the days march on (they do apparently, my grief is not capable of stopping the world from turning on it's axis...) and the sun continues to rise (which is a good thing, coz i do love the sunlight streaming in the bedroom in the mornings) i learn more about myself, about what i had and what i have, about what i want and what i don't want....
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