soon...you know the ones my good friend told me to write and the reason is that when i am feeling sad i can go to the list of the things i don't miss, rather than right now sometimes when i'm sad i immediately go to the 'things i do miss' list...
if i write it down, perhaps it will stick! and don't get me wrong, i am very aware of the reasons that our relationship didn't work and we are no longer together, but doesn't mean to say that everything wasn't working...
what i did come to realise though was a few key things: the values that i hold dear to me were not shared by ben, and this isn't an accusation, but merely an observation - and i guess as we spent more and more time together i felt this drove a wedge between us....i think what we wanted in relationship was different and i think our needs were different - so between our wants and our values, there was just too much that wasn't aligned....
which of course is sad...sad that it took me so long to come to know this, but moreso so long to come to know it and realise that it meant we couldn't be together - see when i met ben there was something different about him and i guess for me a large part of being with him was to overcome some my stuff (and in some ways i did, thanks) but in other ways it has made me realise that the things i thought were important in a relationship are, but there are other things too that are way more important...
so i hope that in time as i heal and get over the hurt of a broken relationship and a broken heart, i will remember these lessons and be thankful for ben and our relationship and be able to move forward...
there are moments when i have such intense fear about being on my own that i wonder if what i've done is right for me, but you know what - i know that it is - i just have to get used to the idea...i need to remember who i am and what i stand for - i need to remember to 'be' this person and not 'do' anger or close myself off to the world (this is what i've done before), i need to remember that i am loved (even though i really do want that special sort of love between a man and a woman, the sort of love that maybe comes only once in a lifetime, the sort of love that transcends the day to day crap that can get in the way when it's just not the right person)...and i need to remember that EVERYGHING no matter how bad it feels and how sad it can make me at times, is and did happen for a reason...
so universe if you are listening, which i know you are, please give me faith to believe in myself, to believe in my decision and to believe in my future...
thank you
ps to the three people who told me to burn sage incense - thanks! loving it :-)
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